Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[adinva]

Hi T, glad you appreciate my twisted humor lol! You gotta laugh, it's more fun than crying.

Planet, hi! Not rude at all, I think your question is sensible. My answer though, is what does quitting look like?
- not being as pleasant as I can when I interact with H?
- not trying to live my life completely and fully, right through the middle of separation and divorce, as if it's the last and only life I'll get?
- not reading and posting frequently here to remind myself not to be bitter, to keep my focus on me, and other valuable advice from DB that I'm afraid might fall by the wayside if I don't hang out here...it is still counterintuitive for me.

I see no advantage to quitting these things.

I gave up long ago on the idea that there was some list of things I could do that would save my marriage. I believe it is possible to get out of your own way, and stop shooting yourself in the foot, with DB techniques...but it is not possible to get a spouse to come back who doesn't want to.

However, I don't think two years is past the point of no return. I don't think five years is. I don't think there's a set amount of time after which H isn't coming back so I should resort to crying and bitterness, throw all the blame at him, and QUIT. Quit what.

I'm not waiting for him though. I'm not going back to an abusive relationship. I'm taking this space and time to learn what I did to myself and what I allowed to happen to me, so I can learn not to allow it again. I found my worth and potential. I will be so glad to find love again and remarry sometime in the future.

Right now, I am in no hurry. I'm still figuring out how to live separate from H. I've got my crazy boys and my dying mom and my stressful job. I'm not looking for anyone to date or marry, and I'm not spending the necessary time finishing up my separation agreement and getting the divorce moving along. I'm not blocking it, just not facilitating it. If H said anything about wanting to move it along I'd get moving on it.

I don't want him back as he currently is, or has been. I don't like having him around much. My house is more peaceful and loving. I don't feel judged and coming up short. I feel free to express love and not get made fun of. I feel free to challenge anyone who verbally abuses my boys or me. I feel much better than in the past 10 years at least. Even with financial worries and life stresses I feel happier than I did then. It was so hard to not understand why my H wasn't more loving, it was so embarrassing how little regard he showed for me, it was so demoralizing to be so less-than-him. I was married for life and would never have stepped out on him, but he gave me a gift of a second chance here.

So, if he looks back and has remorse and regret there would still be a long long road back home, and I can't say I'd be interested or that we'd be successful. I don't say it could never happen, but I don't see it happening. I'm not waiting, just too busy to really move on and finalize the divorce yet. I will get there at some point. Is that quitting? Even some marriages reconcile during or after divorce. That's why I say, I don't know what quitting looks like. I'm just living.