Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I suppose I need to have a "boundaries" conversation, I just need to think about/take advice on how best to approach it.

So much to think about. This is tough.

I realize that I'm still playing chess sometimes. Trying to play the game so I can win in the end. And if I take away the game, the stress of the talk and the decisions start to melt away.

I HATE losing intimacy and closeness with her. She is my only "friend" and I enjoy spending time with her, for the most part. She and I get along well.

I HATE pushing her away. I FEAR that she'll easily replace me and what I offer.

But none of that should get in the way of doing the right thing, which is setting up some post-D boundaries - for both our sakes. She wants to be friends, and we probably will be one day, but I don't know if we can be right now. She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too, and that isn't healthy for either of us.

I really abhor seeing her in pain and not being able to help. I can't stand to see her in pain and reaching out to me, and I am having trouble trusting that NOT being there for her when she is reaching out is the right approach, but I am putting my trust in this different strategy.

This is hard.

I think we are both attracted to each other, have children together, enjoy each other's company...I just don't think she can open herself up to me again. I'm holding out hope that one day she will. For now, I suppose it's time for boundaries and the uncomfortableness of uncertainty as those boundaries manifest out in our relationship.

It's funny because I don't fear anything. Snakes, spiders, loose dogs, even war when I was a Marine. Yet I am afraid of this. It's even funnier because I KNOW I'll be fine.

Oh well. Push forward. I can't let her have all of me anymore, as much as I want to give it to her. That's the consequence of divorce.

-PM