Time for me (part 4)

[Spartan]

Been a couple weeks so time for another update on me...

Kids and I have been having a great time with weather finally turning for good. Lots of bike riding, hiking, swimming, and general playing outside having a blast. They've also taken an interest in golf so we've been screwing around with that. D7 and I are going to family camp and we got the rustic tree house accommodations so she's really excited to sleep in a tree fort (mom would never stay there in years past due to no power). S5 and I are going Go-Karting this weekend and to a Tigers game in July and D7 and I are going to Cedar Point since she's a little adrenaline junkie like I am. Trying to spend time with 3 of us together and with each of them separately doing things they really like the other one may not. The questions from both have started back up now that school is out since they know things were going to start happening after school ended. They still don't seem to ask W any questions so I get them all...

I've been hanging out with friends (golfing, movies, hanging out, etc) a lot more then I ever have which is nice. Coaching just finished this Saturday (S5 was MVP of 6UO team ) so now have Saturday AM's and Wed nights open. Plan to start doing more longer distance runs with Marathon team now that I'm healed up. About a week or so ago I was feeling like I was moving too fast into the single life and, with help, decided to slow it down a bit. Needed to make sure I was doing things rationally and not shifting into my own version of MLC. I may still do some of these things but I was rushing into things like skydiving, new high HP car, buying a Harley, looking at a new quad, etc... No interest in dating at all but other stuff was really pulling on me.

W and I have been pretty distant for most part. We haven't had an argument of any type in weeks and are just kind of coexisting in the house. It's kind of a mixed bag for me. I feel really detached from her and I'm surprised to admit it but right now I really have no interest in her life and she has no real affect on mine (her moods, what she does, etc...). As I think I've said before this has just happened on it's own and not something I'm forcing. I won't lie to you guys, the fact that I've gotten to this point with the woman I love does depress me a little. I know it's where I need to be and it's helped me to start to move on but deep down it's something I wasn't sure would ever happen, at least to this level. Even with this level of detachment at times I still miss my W (or at least some parts of her, other parts I don't miss at all). Just normal emotional type stuff and nothing that has me spinning. With time I'm sure it will get easier. This Friday would be our 16th anniversary; last year we were on a cruise together having time of our lives. What a difference a year makes. Rather then getting all turned around with that thought I think about how good things can be a year from now...it keeps me going. Bunch of friends are taking me out Friday night. I'll have a few drinks (I don't get drunk anymore) and will have fun watching them get stupid.

Did receive paperwork from her L and most everything is in order, most importantly the custody time is right. My L is verifying child support figures because they seemed a little off but nothing surprising for first draft. My guess is it will be locked down within the week and I'll sign the papers next week and be D'd at next scheduled court date (7/1) where judge can sign agreement. One odd thing occurred so far with discussions we've had over paperwork. W asked if we should write in that we would all spend time together as a family on Christmas day. I didn't know what to say to that, I had to have look of bewilderment on my face. I finally asked her why she wanted that. She said kids enjoy spending time together as a family. I told her that hopefully we can do that one day but I didn't think it was probably worth writing in since the purpose of this paper was to redefine our 'family'. Reinforced to me that she really hasn't thought through what D is going to mean or maybe she really is out of her mind.

House is finally going on market next week. Just finishing up a few more things and it will be ready to sell. Houses are selling pretty quick around here now so we'll see what happens. I've also started looking at homes. My kids seem more excited for a new house than I am.

With all that she knows where I stand on the D; still wish we could try to work it out with changes from both of us. I've left the path home as smooth as possible. Not saying it will ever happen or if she'd ever be willing to put in the work but the potholes aren't there. I've made things as easy as they can be through this process (maybe too easy...). Most importantly I also know there is no way I would ever just take her back as is which I wouldn't have been able to say months ago. I feel strong as I ever have and know exactly what I will, and will not, live with.

Personally I'm doing pretty good all things considered. Like I said earlier feeling stronger than I ever have in my life and I know without a doubt I will be ok and my kids will be as good as they can possibly be under the circumstances. Most days for me are good and when the 'down' emotions come up they don't last that long and I'm able to work through them pretty quickly. We're still doing some stuff as a family and they are still very enjoyable for me. They do tend to get me a little down later in the day since that is what I'll miss the most after the D.

There's this weeks novel...see you in a couple weeks