Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

[hotwheelsaust]

You are right, in a way I do resent not being invited. It is just another one in a long line of, what I feel, are let downs. While the FIL party isn't really a major issue, it is just has made me feel like the downhill of the rollercoaster ride somehow. Throughout this whole separation experience I have been blamed for everything by everyone. I see what happened to the husband of the SIL, happening to me. Complete loss of care, concern and love. The family simply swept him under the carpet and moved on.
Yes I do understand why I wasn't invited, fully. And yes I did send him a birthday card. Still don't know whether he got it or not.
I am trying my best to focus on me, certainly a hard thing to do when a big issue in the marriage was my selfishness.

[hotwheelsaust]

Sorry GALbaby, your reply must have come through while I was typing mine. Seriously the party isn't really too much of a problem. Yes, being the weekend, it was something that made me go on the downhill rollercoaster ride. But I am not focusing on it. Just needed to vent. Maybe I should put that at the front of the message in future.
I am keeping up the PMA, in fact had a coffee with a male teacher the other night, who was quite impressed with my mental changes. We discussed issues about dealing with other drivers, school kids and admin, and I helped him with dealing with a work issue.
I do feel good about myself and my changes. What I am still struggling with is the detachment. My W is constantly on my mind, I get emotionally upset thinking about her, tears and all.

Patientman wrote something the other day that just hit me like a ton of bricks.
"I was in the bathroom yesterday brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, and for the first time I looked myself right in the eyes (in the mirror) and just out of nowhere said to myself, "she divorced you. Things were so bad that she can't/couldn't even work on it...she DIVORCED YOU."

There are so many examples of couples who have done some of the most unforgivable things and suffered though some of the most terrible treatment, yet were able to reconcile. And I'm divorced".

My reply to it was: "PM, I so understanding of what you said. I feel exactly the same way and I haven't yet reached the divorce point. I hate listening to the couple next door yell and scream at each other daily, hearing about issues in the media that couples go through and even my own SIL whose husband hit her and spat on her. But my W, doesn't want to or can't see any hope in a husband who is prepared to change and has changed for the love of his life."

I am simply so scared that my detachment, or the start of it, is just going to cause her to step further away. I still struggle with whether I should move back home at the end of the year or not. I feel that if I move back, then I have walked out from her. But if I stay, then I have another year of no contact. The crossroads feel like a lose/lose choice, rather than a win/lose option. I am so scared the more we stay apart, the more it is easier for the W to enjoy the single life. I just feel that there is something else I should be doing, but am not.

Sometimes I think I am in a worse state that what I started with 8 months ago.

[InnerStrength]

Hey HWA, I don't have any advice to add, and it seems like you're DBing fine anyway -- but I just wanted to empathize. I have decided to go dark as well, because while W and I had gotten pretty close as friends it just seemed to be going nowhere over the months. Pulling back makes me fear losing her completely as well. I try to jump on these boards and read success stories where the LBS had to disappear for a bit to catch the WAW's eye to make me feel better about it -- sometimes, though not always, it helps. Keep on going, man.

[GALbaby]

I hear you HWA. There is no rhyme or reason to why our S's act like they do. We embark on this journey, knowing that there are no guarantees, even though we are willing to try anything to get them back. Some of us get another chance, others don't. You are a person like me, who does all the right things and then expects everything to fall into place, of course it doesn't always work that way and we get frustrated and disappointed. There is no easy answer, and you are free to go whichever way you please.

You can try to talk sense into your W, but you may end up regretting that, and you may not. Honestly, there is no simple answer. You are trying all you can, but you also need to remember to give things time. You have made a decision to go dark, maybe you are hoping your W will make contact with you and because she has not, you are second guessing your decision. Its tough stuff. I love this board, but I also got confused by it. That's why I just made a decision to go with what the book and my coach advised.

It paid off for me, but I also took a leap of faith, not exactly advised here, but you do what is in your heart also.

Keep posting, you are doing great. Take good care of yourself, as I know you are. You are doing the best you can.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks InnerStrength and GALbaby. I know I am doing the right thing as per the forum and DB. Day by day I am doing what needs to be done, it is the future that messes up my head. The stuff that you know will need to be sorted out eventually. The problem is that stuff is major and can lead to so many more issues.
GALbaby, no I am not second guessing going dark, I know for me it is what has to be done. I also know that I need to be dark for a lot longer for me to make a choice in staying dark or trying something else. Like a lot of LBS, I still wonder if there is something else that I should of, could of and would of done.
I will be organising my next DB coach session for after the school holidays, so the session will be around mid July.
Let's see what the holidays bring, for me and my PMA, for what the friends and family see and to be out of this country town for two weeks.
I definitely won't be trying to talk sense to the W. That is a guarantee that I know won't work at all.

[JuneReN]

I went dark for two months after finding out that H was seeing someone. Communication between us started shortly after that. It gave me a chance to work on myself, because I was so unhappy with the situation and mad etc.and depressed.

I did what was best for me at the time with really no thought of " will this drive my H further away?" Anyways, to where? Lol, he was gone...

Difference though, I had younger kids, so he would be in touch once in a while, although during that period he rarely saw them.

I think it comes down to doing what is best...for you.

[hotwheelsaust]

In all truthfulness kate's_place, I have no idea anymore what is best for me.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks for the positives amy1982, somehow I managed not to see your comment until it came via email update.

[hotwheelsaust]

Some days are good, some days are bad. Sometimes I feel I am achieving the DB things, somedays I feel I am not. Yes I fully understand I have only gone dark in the last 19 days, but combined with the lack of anything from the W for nearly the whole 8 months, I am simply lost. Yes I understand GAL and PMA, but it is still in my head. Even simple things like losing enough weight that my wedding ring is falling off, do I resize it, take if off (not really an option) or risk losing it.

In 48hours I will be going on school holidays (two weeks) back to my two sons for some time with them. How much I don't know, as they both are working. I won't have any internet, unless I use wifi at McDonalds.

I have booked a coaching sessing for when I get back from holidays.

What is on my mind, right or wrong, it is on my mind.

1. At the only MC session we had, within two weeks of BD, the counsellor told me the W was very depressed, as per the questionaire we both filled out. I still worry if she is depressed and the lack of communication with me, the change in her communication with the family (very reduced) is part of this.

2. I wonder if she is WAS or MCL/Empty nester or non of these based on how she is acting ie: simply no communication and no contact with regards to the houses being sold or names changed on the car registrations.

3. I wonder if she is feeding of the EA and vica versa (based on what this person has been like previously) or whether it is a PA.

4. I don't know how to handle my transfer back to the city. The approval will come to me in September and I have 7 days to go with it or decline. I feel if I go with it, I have let the W down and not supported her, especially if she is depressed and needs the support, even if she doesn't say so. I also feel if I don't take the transfer I will spend another year in the country without my W, without communication with her and counting the days down.

5. I am worried that I will simply get a letter from the lawyer saying I am divorced and have xx amount of time to purchase or sell the houses. Based on the valuations, I probably won't get a loan to purchase off the W, and we both lose a lot of money selling them.

6. I worry if I move back after being transferred, to our house, I will get the above letter from the lawyer and then my world is upside down again.

7. I will always worry that I am not doing enough to have the W want to work on the marriage. As though I am missing something.

8. I am worried that I have gone back to being an emotional wreck like I was 8 months ago, maybe I haven't changed, as I am finding it harder and harder to being positive about this all.

9. My worst worry is that I have been thinking about trying to fix my pain with an easy way out of all this. Simply getting all the financials in order and that is it.

True I understand every queston has been a worry for me. But I don't have any other answer, each of these questions are worrying me.

I will spend these two weeks trying to get answers. Then come back and speak with the DB coach. Please don't advise me to go to a professional that is not going to help anymore. I am simply not happy without my W.

[GALbaby]

Oh dear HWA..as I was reading your post I was thinking ...maybe you need to speak with a counsellor to help with your emotional struggles. Then I got to the end. Sorry I wish things were better for you. It is tough when there is no communication at all. Its as though she has fallen off the planet. One day you had your W, then you didn't. I actually think death is easier. It's final. Sorry if that offends anyone. I've just always thought D is tougher to get through. Maybe...I've not experienced either. All I can offer you is my sincere hope that it gets better.