What the...?

[lovethehub]

It has been a long few days and I don't even know if I can sum it all up, I will journal as best I can:

I could feel H pulling away & shutting down last week, then we had the fight Thursday night.

Friday

I was shocked when H acted normal at breakfast, a change from past behaviors.

We had a long conversation where I did my best to validate what he was saying but also share some of my concerns. (Blurry, hard to remember exactly how things went at this point)

We talked about D's trip and he said he wasn't trying to be negative he just didn't see how I could plan a vacation. I was calm and explained that I wasn't planning a v, D needed to get there and this was the most cost effective solution. We agreed I would pick her up and stay out there for a few days. He feels that even though it costs more money, what to do with S for 10 days is also an issue. I disagree with the choice but I kept my mouth shut because I truly don't want to go if it will hurt us in the long run.

We talked about my lack of trust. I calmly asked him to try to understand me for a change instead of being upset by me. I shared my feelings on his friendships (EA's, or all were on there way to EA at one point). I told him how I felt about seeing K at field day and said "I am not going to tell you to end the friendship but I will tell you that I am no longer comfortable with it. I hope that you will get to the point that you care enough about my feelings to end it, and if you do, I would like you to let me know"

Unfortunately, in between my telling him how I felt about seeing her at FD, and making that statement, he spit out that OM had been in his restaurant the weekend before and stayed at the bar for a couple of hours. I chose to ignore it at that moment. My bad decisions do not excuse his and I kept my focus on what we were talking about. After I said what I said, I told him I was very sorry that he had to deal with that and have it thrown in his face. I think OM is an "bleep" for not leaving when he found out he was there.

conversation went longer than it should have and there were more tears on my part


Saturday

seemed ok, somewhat distant

Sun

Very distant in the morning, went outside and sat on patio alone and clearly gave me the impression he did not want me to join him. We had baseball and he talked some but was still pulled away and not talking much. I quit talking to him unless he spoke to me and then I was nice but only answered whatever he said.

At S's bedtime he asked who was putting him to bed. I said that's completely up to you and he laughed and smirked at me. I was really upset as him laughing at me has been a huge issue over the years. I told him I wasn't sure what was funny, I just wanted him to have whatever he wanted. He put H to bed and I went to bed while he was up there.

Today

H said he isn't sure that I really want to be in our M because I do things to sabotage it. I asked if he meant recently or in the past and he listed examples that were quite old. I said I understood why he felt that way and that I had never truly wanted out although I knew my actions had said otherwise at some points and I was sorry. I asked if he thought of anything in the last few months to please let me know because it is unknown to me and I want to correct it if there is.

Then he said he doesn't see where things are different and he referenced an incident from a few weeks ago that was very minor. I said it made me nervous that he expects perfection and one little thing seems to send him out the door. He said that's how he felt for years so I said "I understand, I am sorry you felt that way" (I used that more today than any other time in my life!) I said "I don't believe that things will be any different until you get to the point where you are willing to create a new M together. You are here because it makes sense to stay but I still get the feeling that you are expecting all of the changes to come from me. Things won't work that way because we both have changes we need to make. Even if we commit to working on things, I don't believe it will change overnight and, in the meantime, we are just here doing what we have done before. I can only focus on me and what I need to do at this point"

He mentioned me reading 5LL and that it just feels like more of the same, that I am always reading and wanting to try this or that and it doesn't make a difference. I said "I understand...., we both know that follow through is something I lack in most areas of my life and I am trying to work on that. I always have good intentions but I don't always f/thru. I explained the concept of 5LL and said it made a lot of sense to me. I told him mine were qt and pt and I didn't know what he wanted to do with that information but I wanted him to have it.

He said last spring I was spending a lot of time with you and I said "I know, I was very happy last spring". He said "so happy you went back to OM?" (I did not go back to OM, this is his belief) I said that the situation happened exactly as I explained, I wish I could take it back because it was a stupid, thoughtless split second decision. He said he looks in bar parking lot every single time he goes by and he hasn't seen his truck there since so he finds it hard to believe that he just happened to be there. I said I have seen it once or twice but no, he does not hang out there the way he used to and that is clear because his truck isn't there, however,it happened the way I told you and I said I am sorry you do not believe me but I understand why.

Then he said he still had a lot of unresolved feelings with OM and that one of these days if he does see his truck there and he is "in the right frame of mind, or the wrong one, I am going to go in." I said I understand, I would like your ok to send him a text and tell him to stay out of your restaurant. He said no, if he sees him again he will go tell him to leave.

At that point he had enough and took a shower to run errands. When he got out I said "I don't believe I have ever given you the credit you deserve for handling this the way you have. I know it took a lot, thank you"

He said "thanks, and I want you to know you can quit worrying that I am seeing someone. I am not now, nor have I ever. I made that mistake once with someone else, and then having it done me to, I had to make a decision about the kind of person I wanted to be. It would have been easy to do it but I made the decision not to"