Let my love open the door...

[uRworthy]

Hi sweetie, believe me, the magnet meant a lot to him. And I think it was a perfect gift.

I am not surprised that everyone loved your dinner.

As far as his mother, I think that she is not done as far as saying something to him. Too bad for him. His problem.

You know, I always said that a MLC was not a get out of jail free card. That at the end of the day, my xh was responsible for his actions.

I do believe, though, that it is a crisis and so, there is a chip broken and they cant reconcile the guilt, the depression and the bandaid that is the affair.

It is all scrambled up in their jello brains.

The hope is that they eventually can reconcile it all.

As far as the texting, well, in my situation the affair was out of the bag and I am a little nuts.LOL! Hence, the making of the outfits for the cell phone and inviting it to Thanksgiving dinner. LOL!

You can try to do something different like saying, "Would you mind not texting when we are talking as it is rude?" And see how it goes. My guess it that he will either get a little snippy or will say ok. I can tell you it will probably not stop so you might just be spinning your wheels.

While I would not ever disagree with Snodderly, I do think that going to where he says he is playing golf would not be the way I would go. Simply because he will make up some excuse as to why he wasnt there and then get angry. Not that it matters if he gets angry, because it doesnt. But, I am not sure it would serve any real purpose except to get you upset.

I know this is so difficult for you. I wish that it wasnt. You just take it one day at a time. Live your life. You will know without a single doubt if or when it is time to move on.

And if you do, you will know in your heart that you did everything you possibly could to save your marriage and your family. And that matters, T. It matters.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi guys!

T, I estimate the A to have started as an EA sometime in the fall of 2011, then turned PA early in 2012. So things have been going on for about a year and a half.

From what I know about both of them - who they were and who they are now - I believe them both to be in crisis. Not sure if this prolongs things or not.

I do believe that my H may feel "inferior" in some ways to me. Even during the crisis, he is still complimentary to me as a mother. He has even said I was a good wife. He has stated several times that it is not me, it's him.

I often wonder if OW plants ideas in his head like "You know TVS would never accept what you have done, but I accept you" or "we are more alike and better together". I could be wrong, but I could also see her doing something like that.

Hope you are doing well! Did you have a nice Father's Day?

Hi UW

I think an attempt on my part to "bust" him would be turned around on me to say I was "spying" on him. I've worked too hard to let that happen. Plus, you are right, he will just lie and deny till the cows come home.

I have a feeling too, that we will here more from his family. Like you said, his problem. Will it be a reality check for him?

I have been reassessing how I act at home. I think I have become very good at distancing myself from him - I never ask where he is going or with who. I never ask him questions in general about his outings.

I had posted about asking him to crack my back, and that it went well. I asked him for a mini shoulder rub the other day, and that went well too. First time he has touched my shoulders in a year and a half!

I think a lot has changed since the bomb, and I need to change with it. So, I am looking for little ways to connect with him, both physically and emotionally. He seems to be open to it now. Also, in thinking about what needs OW fills, he does seem to like to do things for me and the positive reinforcement he receives. I am going to try to build on that.

Thanks for taking the time to give me advice - I know you have a lot going on. As you always say, it matters

[RosaLinda]

TVS, I am trying to wait my H's A out and let it die a natural death also. It's easier for me because she's over in Russia now, but I'm not looking forward to their next conjugal visit in Sept. A year and a half is a long time to keep standing during a PA. Especially with an ex-friend. T^2 is right, you DO rock!

It's great, very wise I think, that you are thinking about which needs Twinkle fills, looking for little ways to reconnect with your H, and giving him lots of positive reinforcement. My DB coach advised me to touch my H a couple of times a day, a hand on the arm, touch the shoulder, but he's really skittish about it still. But I keep doing it LOL!

I'm going to try and think of what needs RT fills. Besides her tasty oatmeal recipes I mean How do you go about it though? Is it because you know Twinkle? I would only be guessing, no idea of what it could be besides admiration and stuff like that, which I also give him now.

Bea -- what do you mean when you say you wish that you had tolerated less, and stood up for yourself more? What do you wish you had done differently? Kicked him out?

[TSquared2]

I estimate the A to have started as an EA sometime in the fall of 2011, then turned PA early in 2012.

Oh, I wasn't including any EA time, I wonder if there was any EA or it was just an easy, available lust outlet......but I do know she started her online "playing" in Aug 2011, and he was in her IM contacts that popped up with a x-rated message when s3 and I were on his computer in Nov...so somewhere in there?? Not that is really matters in the big picture, just my detective/details side running amok now...

Guess I am somewhere close to your time frame then...but at least I wasn't "sure" (though had suspicions that something was up somewhere) until Feb this year, so I wasn't tested nearly as long as you...man, you are strong!!

[GALbaby]

TVS..for what its worth..I believe that the small acts of physical touch are a good move in the right direction for you. I have thought about your situation a lot, and I do very much admire your strength of character and your steely resolve to dismiss the actions of your H.

I love this board, but the advice differs slightly from the advice of the DB coach, in my limited experience, in that area. My coach advised a small touch here and there, make the most of non sexual flirting, make eye contact which is regarded as a huge aphrodesiac and ask the H occasionaly to join you in a non-threatening activity. I have read others posts and the same advice is given. Of course, it may depend on the individual's circumstances.

I have the belief that your H may think you are completely fine with this arrangement. The TT is in a relationship that she obviously has no intention on leaving either, they could continue down this path for a long time because it is convenient for both of them. No-one questions anything, they have the best of both worlds and they get their kicks from one another, as well as having a family life that, to the outside world, is the envy of many. My opinion, as I said for what its worth, is that you may need to move more towards your H and let him know that you are still attracted to him and your intention is to re-connect. Of course, if he re-coils you take a step back and re-assess.

Playing stand-offs all the time is seeming like a cheeseless tunnel to me. You deserve happiness and only desire the best for you, I worry about you. I would be interested in your thoughts on this as my advice differs a lot from others here and also yours.

[Takevowsserious]

Linda ~ figuring out what his needs are and what she is doing to fill them is a work in progress for me.

I am piecing together things that he told me pre and post bomb. Also taking into consideration things like her personality and all the things that people get out of a R when it is new.

This taken from an online article "Cheating spouses: Six Reasons the Affair Won't Last":

"2. Their needs aren't being met. The affair partner may meet one or two of the spouses needs perfectly, but the husband/wife are meeting all the others.

During the affair, the cheating spouse may believe that they feel so alive with their affair partner and that person is all they need to make them complete and happy. Little do they realize though, that the cheating spouse is being fulfilled in other by their wife and family."

It's a very good article - reinforces a lot of what we hear on the boards.

T, I don't think I ever realized our time frames were that close.

I think we find out when we are ready to find out, when the Big Guy upstairs thinks we can handle finding out.

I remember reading in one of HB's posts that she found about the A as it was ending. She felt that if she had found out sooner, she would have thrown her H out and not saved the M.

And although I knew pretty much from the get go that there was someone else, I bounced around - A LOT - as to who it was. I believe I found out it was ex friend when I was strong enough to handle it. And even then... Boy, did it make my heart hurt... Still does...

You have been a guiding light for me since I started here, and I think you are a strong, patient man. (Not to mention funny too!)

As you always tell people - you rock!!!!

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Gal!

I just finished posting, and saw your post

I do understand what you are saying, and there are things I totally agree with.

I feel like H slowly distanced himself from me, so he would have to slowly work his way back towards me. Don't want to spook the guy lol!

He was soooo anti- me after bomb, didn't want to be near me, certainly didn't want me to touch him.

But now that he is becoming slightly receptive to touching me, I feel I need to adjust how I approach him, and try to build on that.

For a long time, H has craved physical attention from me - asking for scratches, lotion application, rubs. I have often thought I should say no, that this is cake eating. But I believed this has helped keep us connected. I know this doesn't mean it would work for everybody...

And I have often thought what you said - that they are getting everything that they want, so why change?

But I also believe that is exactly what needs to happen. He may be getting exactly what he wants, but he still isn't happy. His health is worse than ever, he doesn't sleep. Her true colors are showing, and they aren't exactly a beautiful rainbow lol!

Thanks so much for your support Gal, you know I love ya, and have much respect for any advice you give me

[Raine]

Bea, I completely see this in my H too. I'm realizing this is not about any "who" for him, it is a total addiction. He does not want me to know and get hurt, but I also think a big part of it is the secrecy high, the secret life, another compartment. My guess is there have been flirtatious and the first physical encounter was late 2010, with it really upsetting him and him being good for a few years. And then it went full blown crazy with lots of OW almost exactly two years later. The thing that is also weird to me is his hold back on full sex with them...I don't understand the hold back on that.

My H does feel inferior to me. This came up before BD and continues to come up. This could be a "not you it's me" tactic though.

I think that was so sweet that you did that magnet! I'm sure that meant a lot to him. I'm so impressed with you and how you handle yourself TVS!

[reachingHigher]

Hi tvs,

Only time for a quick post. Just read the last few ones and I like what GALb said, as always. As you know, as H & I were moving toward D in December, I also went out to eat with him a couple of times and some other selected activities altho I had stopped ML by this time. I was always trying to follow HIS lead and also turned down some requests.

It's really a tricky connection phase you are in & you hafta do what works. Connecting with eye contact about the song and h smiling in the family photo are really good.

Keep up the good work and thanks tons for your posts on my thread. I thought the magnet idea was so clever and thoughtful!

Hugs,
rH

[uRworthy]

I feel like H slowly distanced himself from me, so he would have to slowly work his way back towards me. Don't want to spook the guy lol!

But now that he is becoming slightly receptive to touching me, I feel I need to adjust how I approach him, and try to build on that.

I believed this has helped keep us connected. And I have often thought what you said - that they are getting everything that they want, so why change?

I also believe that is exactly what needs to happen. He may be getting exactly what he wants, but he still isn't happy. His health is worse than ever, he doesn't sleep. Her true colors are showing, and they aren't exactly a beautiful rainbow lol!

I agree with you. He has to figure this out for himself. My xh told me that exact thing. He realized that he wasnt any happier in the affair and that is when the affair ended.

You should always see what works and tweak it. I think you are on the right track with having h engage in some physical touch with you when appropriate. And I do feel you are doing a lot of what the db coach told Galbaby, with small touches, eye contact and doing things as a family.

T, you are so intuitive. You know your h and your sitch best. And believe me, your h knows that you are not ok with this. Deep in his jello brain. LOL!