Looking to keep hope alive

[ALF213]

Just a little journaling...I caved a little on my decision not to leave the house at all. I did a lot of thinking about the kids, and trying to keep their lives as stable as possible is most important to me. Having them stay in a cramped apartment on a regular basis with my W and her friend didn't sound like the best idea. We talked about it, calmly. I told her I would explore ways to be out of the house on certain days so she can be there with the kids. The talk seemed to go well.

I had a great father's day yesterday! W had to work , so the kids and I spent a fun day together. They made me gifts that said/wrote some amazing things. I kept it together but I did have to excuse myself to the bathroom where I broke down a little. I thought it would be a rough day, but after the W left for work, the kids and I went out and about. Just kept busy and had fun. I am a lucky father.

At one point while we were out, I found myself wondering if I am better off without her. Maybe not "better off", but that I'll be just fine. Its the first time that those feelings just came over me, and weren't forced.

W arrived home after work with my favorite item from our favorite restaurant. She also had two small gifts for me. One was a favorite "cheat item" (we live a fairly healthy lifestyle), and the other was something she knew I needed but hadn't ask for. She used to buy me gifts like this a lot, but not much at all in the past couple years. I didn't read into it as much as I would have in recent months.

We talked briefly again about what will happen in regards to our separation. I did ask if she had any interest in separating, without filing, just to see where it goes. Probably not a good question to ask. She responded to it fine. Said she would think about it, but don't expect her to change her mind. I don't, but I felt it was something I needed to put out there. It also gave me a chance to handle her answer in calm way. In the past, hearing an answer I didn't like would cause me to be quiet. After her answer, we went back to talking positively about how to handle the kids. Then she made a comment about how she knows a D will make things extremely difficult on everyone, but if we end up back together, it will all be worth it. I guess I was kind of surprised that is even a thought in her head right now.

Overall I thought it was productive talk. We were able to talk about the hard things in a more calm manner. Less quietness and/or tears by either one of us. If tears happen, it is usually by her. She can't be married to me "right now". She doesn't know where that will go. She feels the M is wearing her out. Maybe in time she will she its not the M itself. Who knows. I do know that I am doing better overall week to week. There are some bad days/times, but overall, my PMA is getting better, while the W's appears to be getting worse.

I start my new job with a great company on the 24th! Very excited about this. The kids are excited for me as well. That kind of makes the eyes water a little.