New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[Hadlee58]

Hi Guys, I have been avidly reading the threads on these boards for the last few months and there is a lot of great advice to take in which I am failing miserably at doing. 3 months in and I seem to be living in a dream, portraying to all (pleasing everyone but myself) that I am getting on with my life and being strong and confident when inside I am a quivering wreck and not at all!!

I have been married to my wife (35) for 9 years in August and together for 14 years. We have two wonderful children (B 7yrs and G 4yrs). My wife decided in March that she wanted to put an end to our M, although we have both threatened this in the past I never thought it would be for real this time. She stated that the marriage had been bad for years and she now has the opportunity to do things for her, blaming me for controlling her for that time (I have a different view on that). That said I know I haven’t been the great husband and had got myself into a rut, working hard, coming home and watching TV not engaging in conversation (she’s always on face book). Some of these actions of hers probably have been caused by my actions. I have been the typical “mr nice guy” throughout our marriage (great book!!). I have my wife on a pedestal and would always try to do things to make things right for her and paid no intentions to my own personal needs, had low self esteem and pretty much did as she said, although she says I was the one controlling her….. I help so much around the house and always would buy her flowers and gifts (part of my resentment that built up was she never did the same).
We did have some fiery encounters over the years for which we were both partly to be blamed for and I am truly sorry for my part in them but I always seen them as part of married life, surely everyone has major rows at some stage?
Back in March I moved out for a couple of weeks and one night we had a really great conversation (probably the best we had had in years) in which I told her I was sorry for the wrongs I had done, I luckily managed to get her to give things one last go, or at least I thought lucky!! I do think at this time I was just doing whatever she wanted to me to do to get back with her.
I spent the next 8 weeks doing everything I could to make her see I had changed and although there was some fleeting good days my overall opinion was that she had lost the fight and wasn’t trying, Although she did say it was both of us all she could see was the bad things I had done and could only see the bad things in our relationship, something I thought we both needed to do to draw a line in the sand and move forward. During this time I was needy and down and did all the things I shouldn’t, beg/cry/plead etc all which make me feel such embarrassment now. After the 8 weeks she decided it was time again to move on and offered to move out, Mr nice guy stepped in and told her I would move out whilst there was still a chance, I did say that I would only do this whilst there was still hope and as soon as she made a decision I would move home. Staying away for the last 3 weeks has been the hardest thing I have done, during this time she would post on face book what a great time she was having which would break my heart some which were below the belt, I even wrote her a letter which she acknowledged ‘meant a lot’ but unfortunately for me not ‘enough’.
Last Friday we decided to go for a few drinks and it was a great night although she was occasionally weepy and I returned to my 4 walls feeling a lot better and that I might be making slow progress. On Saturday morning she rang me to tell me that she had been to view a house to rent and that was that. True to myself and my word I moved back home on Saturday evening and its been fairly tense since (she thinks she will be able to move out early July). She has said she doesn’t want a divorce yet but can never see us together again, in effect its all over. I still love her and want to work on our marriage but everything I do seems to be met with a brick wall, she cant see any of the good memories at all, which I think far out weigh the bad!! Last September I had a vasectomy and although I don’t want any more children (whatever the future holds) it really hurts that surely you only have this done if your in your marriage for life, to find out a couple of months later its all over causes me great distress. We have both been so committed to our children’s lives (probably too much) that I think we have parked our own and now things are getting easier on that front it seems such a shame that we did that and it caused our downfall, I have told her its surely worth trying again for the sake of the children (careful to point out that I don’t want to stay and be unhappy) but that it’s a reason to try every last thing. If this is to end in divorce I would always regret that we didn’t try with every fibre of our bodies to make sure, it would still be such a shame but I think I could square it with my own conscience at least if we had tried everything. All I want is us to draw a line in the sand forget the past (acknowledge the bad bits and work to put right) and try to return to the good times, she is more interested in a concert in a few weeks with her palls 

Any advice would be much appreciated:
Am I too far gone that its time to give up?
How can I make her see the good times?
How do I work around her friends all giving her advice to move on?
How do I handle these next 3-4 weeks in the same house? My heart is broken!
I have offered to sleep on the sofa which I am, is this coming across as I would do anything? Do I need to toughen up?
All she says is she wants to be happy, how can I get her to a place that I am part of that?
Thanks in advance for any help!!!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Any advice would be much appreciated:
Am I too far gone that its time to give up? NOPE
How can I make her see the good times? By doing 180's
How do I work around her friends all giving her advice to move on?
By Being stong and confidant
How do I handle these next 3-4 weeks in the same house? My heart is broken!
I have offered to sleep on the sofa which I am, is this coming across as I would do anything? Do I need to toughen up?
All she says is she wants to be happy, how can I get her to a place that I am part of that?
It is all going to take TIME and it is all the OPPOSITE of what you think.
Stop pursuing and be more mysterious.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks for the advice Cadet i have read it many times before and i am trying my best it seems the right thing! My mind is totally gone at the moment and i am consumed by this whole situation and am on some rollercoaster ride at the moment. A quick update:
We cleared the air on monday night and after the kids went to bed we sat and talked like never before until the early hours, it felt so right (although i probably admit i did most of the talking!!). I promised her i would never beg to go back to the way things were before and thought if we know the issues it would be worth one last go to try to fix them, she never said yes or no and sent me a text the following day saying it was great to talk and she has lots to think about, maybe some encouraging signs??
Spoke again last night and again good although i think i need to step back now as you have said (difficult though it may be).
I dont think she has yet signed for another house but i am afraid to ask so am still stuck in lala land.
Not planning on bringing it up again tonight unless she does.
I am GAL 'ing' at the moment and run every night (fitter than i have been for years!!) and try to portray that i am moving on although that i find so difficult.

Thanks Again, i will keep updating as it seems to help me to do this

[Fartiltre]

Welcome on these boards! You are here, I am here and we are here with a lot of other nice and caring people – we are all sorry to be here and at the same time happy that this forum exits!

I am European as well – so perhaps we can support each other a little. Please realize that I am only 3 month old in this and therefore not a VET. I think I can advise you a little and since I am still living with W perhaps more than a little.

Start by realizing WHY you are here! Accept the fact that your W is leaving and then:

Sandi2 list
Start by reading Sandi2 list - this is important! Read it every day for the next month. You will find it as a sticky in the top of this forum. Follow it! This will prevent further mistakes at the moment.

Read DR
It will help you on what you are about to start!

Why did she drop the Bomb.
Have you sorted this out? (Don’t ask W!)

180s
What are your 180s. What have you changed? Work on you?
If you have sorted out the reason for the B you will have an excellent list to start with. Then add all the things you have thought of yourselves over the last years. Things you should have done! Things you would have done, if only…..? Be concrete, prioritize and then do it and keep doing it!
Consistence rules above all! (You will find a lot of posting in here saying “Do it for you!” Changes will not last and you will fall through if you do this to win W back!)
Start changing you!

Act-as-if.
Read DR and get a hold of this concept! If you follow Sandi2s list you will be on the right path!

GAL (Get A Life)
You need to get your head of this so start doing things: Exercicze, read, go out with friends…. Do stuff you like!

Keep the hope!
It can be done! You will find out as you obtain knowledge!
It will be hard!!
It will demand all your patience and then some!!!
...but it can be done!


The list of things you can do could be much longer! You will meet the word DETACHMENT a lot of times in here and it is an extremely important word but DETACHMENT is also very hard and it takes time. The reason I have picked the subjects above and not a lot of other things is that these subjects can be implemented quickly and especially Sandi2s list!

Any advice would be much appreciated:

You have come to the right place. Keep posting and you will be of moderation.
Hopefully a VET will come by but otherwise I hope the list above will get you startet!

Am I too far gone that its time to give up?

Not in my opinion and I am very certain that almost everybody in here will agree with me!
But only one opinion matters here and that opinion is yours.

How can I make her see the good times?

You can’t at the moment and do not try! Do not try to explain anything or argue with her!
What you have to do is show her a new you – a man that nobody will leave!

How do I work around her friends all giving her advice to move on?

You don’t! You work on you and nothing else at the moment!
If you meet them or see them, then:

By Being stong and confidant

How do I handle these next 3-4 weeks in the same house? My heart is broken!

Trust me on this one!!! I get you! I am in the same place!
You MAN UP and show her somebody who is nice to be around!! That’s what you have to do! Read Sandi2s list and do it! You have a window of opportunity! For the next 3-4 weeks she will be able to see your changes so use it wisely

I have offered to sleep on the sofa which I am, is this coming across as I would do anything? Do I need to toughen up?

I believe you do! She is leaving! Stay in the bed – if she doesn’t want to sleep next to you then she can move to the sofa!

All she says is she wants to be happy, how can I get her to a place that I am part of that?

Start with the list above, educate yourself on these matters and make your path!
This is about you and not her (for now!)



This is by the way totally normal so don’t read anything in it (We all hear them):
She has said she doesn’t want a divorce yet but can never see us together again, in effect its all over.
…everything I do seems to be met with a brick wall…
…she can’t see any of the good memories at all….


Get it???
if NO: ASK QUESTIONS! (be specific!!)
if YES: DO IT! - NOW!!

[Hadlee58]

Thanks Fartiltre some great words of wisdom there that are much appreciated. I take great comfort in knowing there is others out there like me and i am not alone.
I know at this stage its all about me and i have had a lot of time to think of waht i need to improve and am working through them, I am fitter today than i have ever been which has given me some real energy however like most this gets drained quickly from time to time. I am trying to show a man who she would never want to leave and in the past i would have done everything to please her, i am different now and realise that couldnt be sustained.
My mind is telling me i have a few weeks until she moves out and i should be doing everything to keep her to stay but you are right work on myself is the priority.
I have gave myself a pat on the back this morning as last night i never mentioned our situation at all, polite and nice, listened to her (really listened!!) when she spoke and kept myself busy with the gym and reading my book, when she went to bed she asked me if i would like to go to her mothers 65th birthday celebration tonight as they had asked, i did press if she wanted me to go but she said it was up to me.... I have made plans for tonight (which i told her) but mentioned i would call in for a short while. Part of me wants to walk in head high full of confidence and show that i can do it. Much as i dread seeing all her family maybe this is an ideal window for me to show i am moving on...
Do you think this is a good idea?

Thanks again hopefully we can support each other, i will check through your threads today.

Looking forward to the weekend!!!!

[ForeverYoung]

Am I too far gone that its time to give up?

It's never too far gone/time to give up unlrss you want to.

How can I make her see the good times?

You don't. Don't try to convince her that her present feelings are wrong.

How do I work around her friends all giving her advice to move on?

You don't. You keep your nose out of her life with her friends. Ignore them and work on yourself.

How do I handle these next 3-4 weeks in the same house? My heart is broken!

Of course it is. You HIDE IT. She doesn't care right now. Play it cool, and she may come around, IN TIME.

I have offered to sleep on the sofa which I am, is this coming across as I would do anything? Do I need to toughen up?

Do not offer to leave your bed. If you already did, reclaim it. (I did this)

[Fartiltre]

I would go!
But you have to:
Have a high PMA (Keep your head high)
Prepare for questions. You can NOT discuss your sitch with anybody so prepare some answers to the questions and comments you expect (What going on?, It must be tough.. and so on)
– be prepared!!!

Thanks again hopefully we can support each other, i will check through your threads today.

That’s a lot of reading…..
Use the time available on you and your own sitch for now – that will do you better!

[Hadlee58]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for all the positive messages much appreciated!
Update Monday 17th June:
Well i called into the party on friday night for a quick hello, i made sure i looked great and smiled and talked to everyone as if nothing had happened and i actually quite enjoyed it, stayed longer than i thought!! I was very nervous beforehand but had it under control before i opeened the door. When i returned home later that evening everything was fine and we talked not too much about R. My wife went out on Saturday with a divorced friend and stayed at her house (she lives quite far away) so i got to spend a great day with the kids and loved them waking me up on sunday (fathers day) with breakfast and presents, they are great kids!!!
My wife returned at noon on sunday and decided to tag along to the chinese restaurant i had booked for myself and the kids, we all had a great time, i think its the first time in a long time that we have done something together (all four of us).
We talked again on Sunday night after the kids were in bed and she said that she hasnt followed up the rental place she veiwed last weekend and needed a bit more time to make her mind up, she did say that she had been dreading me returning home last week and yet she has enjoyed this week, she even indicated that she had discussed with her mother that she felt a little different this week....
I am trying not to read anything into this, too many times before i have built my hopes up only to find it was a false dawn. But plan on not mentioning our R unless she brings it up and continuing on my own goals, painting the fence tonight!!

Feel in a slightly better place today!!!

[Fartiltre]

Hi H

Way to go! Good job at the party!

Keep on the track! Read Sandi2s list again, again and again
.....and keep on the track!

Read about and practice VALIDATING!

F

[Hadlee58]

Hi F,

Thanks for the words of encouragement they really do help!!
I have printed out Sandi2s list and keep it close by. I have also been researching validating and have learned some interesting things. Its funny how in the past when my wife was talking my mind would be wondering and i never really thought to stop and listen properly, this would cause arguements later down the line when she would wonder why i hadnt 'picked up this', 'posted that' etc. I have started stopping whatever i am doing, maintain eye contact and really listen without chipping in with advice (something i used to do alot). Early days yet but i plan to keep it up regardless of the situation.
I have been keeping my distance (in a nice way) and keeping busy on me, i do find this particularly difficult as my gut tells me to talk more, these last few days her moods havent been the best and i try not to let that bring me down. I have arranged a night out with the guys on friday night which i am looking forward to, however it does seem that its getting like a competion, she is now going out on saturday with her friends, is this a normal reaction?
The sleeping situation is something that is troubling me at the moment.... I am sleeping on the sofa downstairs, part of me thinnks i should man up and move back to our bed and let her make other arrangements however i dont want to rock the boat at this delicate stage. She has offered to swap night by night but the gentleman in me says not matter what happens i wouldnt let someone i love sleep on the sofa, that just isnt me. I could go out and buy a pop up bed that would be more comfortable however i dont want this to come across as a long term soloution when i might be fairly close to a better place, any thougts would be a help.

Thanks Guys!!!