New and need encouragement

[Not Quitting]

Long story short. Hubby tells me on Christmas Eve 2012 that he wants a divorce, he loves me but he's not in love with me, and that he is having EA (not his words) with someone else - his words were "you've got competition". Did everything wrong - begged, pleaded, cried, became clingy. He tells me several days later that he and OW "had taken the next step" - in other words now PA. Says he wants to work things out but she isn't going anywhere until he knows that "we're definitely good". We have S13 who knows there's problems between us and isn't very happy, but doesn't know details. I'm getting tired of the friends who tell me I should just kick him to the curb. I still love him, I'm willing to forgive and forget and I definitely want to save my marriage. I've got both Michele's books on order - expected next week. Looking for support in my decision to not quit.

[Not Quitting]

Thinking I might need to give a bit more detail.

Hubby drops the bomb on Christmas Eve, says marriage been "over" for a long time. I knew we had a problem - he's always been more sociable than me and would often go drinking with his buddies but this had increased to just about every night that he wasn't working over the preceding few months. Never suspected that there was an OW in the picture until BD. Turned blind eye to the increased absences because I didn't want to admit problem in marriage.

I come from a line of "lifers" with being widowed the only reason for any married family member becoming single again. He comes from a line of broken marriages, including two previous ones himself - both short term. He has two adult children from first marriage, none from second and both his sons have now got children of their own. There is no contact with either as they don't want anything to do with him. He is in contact with 1st ex-wife through Facebook which is only way he can keep up to date with his boys.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage because I think he is worth it. The last six months have been a living nightmare. Any friend of mine that knows the situation are all telling me to walk away, and we only have one mutual friend who has just gone through a marital breakdown himself which he had no intention of stopping so I don't consider his advice much value. I don't want to quit and have actually been told by a divorce lawyer that I'm not ready to take that step anyway, which I already knew - only saw the lawyer to check on my rights and make sure I had everything in place should worst case scenario come about. I do have a sister who went through something similar when her common-law actually moved his OW into their shared apartment - she got through it and their relationship not only survived but is stronger than before.

He has said he's going to move out more than once but then does nothing about it - don't know wether that's a good sign or just because financially we're both in a bad place. We need both salaries to cover debts. We had to move in with my father several years ago, but he was only there one or two days a week but since his long-term partner died just before Christmas, he has now moved back in full time.

H says he doesn't know what he wants, isn't sure the marriage can be saved. He says he still lives with me because he still has feelings, but I know the OW is still on the scene and neither H or the OW are doing anything to end that relationship. OW has S16, has been divorced for over 12 years and is 11 months younger than him. Basically at this point, I'm the only one 100% committed to saving the relationship, although H says he does still want to work on it.

I don't have any spare money to pay for counselling so I'm doing this on my own, with moral support from my dad and two sisters. I'm tired of the negative advice my friends seem more than willing to dispense, and really want encouragement and positive advice.

[Not Quitting]

Detaching isn't easy and pulling back is even harder. When he did BD, he said we'd drifted apart and he didn't feel part of the family any more. How is pulling back going to help? Won't that be adding to the reason H is unsure whether he wants to work things out?

Giving him space isn't a problem. I've never stopped him going out or even questioned where he's going, so no change needed there. It hurts to know he might be with her, but I'm trying to make sure that he doesn't see the tears any more.

Help, I really need encouragement and advice from the vets here. I haven't been able to read the books yet - they're both on order but should be here within the next week.

[Not Quitting]

So, things have just changed up a step. We had a long talk last night. He says he does want to save our relationship but just doesn't know how. He admitted that OW is still in picture but that he has been ignoring texts from her lately if he's with the family. He admitted he knows that having her around still is not being 100% committed to saving things. It seems that an older couple he is friends with have told him he needs to try harder to save his marriage because we've "been together too long to just walk away without fighting to save it". They have offered him use of their spare bedroom so that he can have space and time to figure out how he wants to proceed. He also hinted that maybe they'd have an insight into making things work since they've made their marriage work for decades.

He moves out at the end of the month, but has stated that he doesn't want it to be permanent. In fact, he is only going to take some of his clothes, toiletries and his laptop with him, nothing else at this time because he wants to work things out between us and come back to the family. We'll be telling S13 on the weekend about what he's referring to as a trial separation. He asked if I still want to work on us, and I told him that I did. We'll spend the next week working out logistics of finances and visitation. He wants to tell S13 that he's moving out for a while so that we can have a fresh start. He doesn't want it to be "no contact", and I've agreed to that.

At least he's admitted that he does want to work things out - that's a big step IMO as up until now he's only said he wasn't sure what he wanted. He's also admitted that he doesn't know how to move on from this point and has asked that we do it together, albeit living under separate roofs for now.

He was also a lot more open and affectionate, and made more eye contact than lately. He commented that he wasn't sure how I felt because I'd been withdrawn - pulling back may not work for us as feeling neglected has been given as one of the problems we have.

I'll be so glad when I have the books and can read up and get a better idea how to move forward. I'm trying not to read too much into this attitude change, and struggling to stay detached, but I'm going to keep doing my best.

[AnotherStander]

Hello! It looks like your posts have kind of gotten lost in the shuffle, hopefully you'll be off moderation soon and they'll pop up to the top of the forum when you post.

So, things have just changed up a step. We had a long talk last night. He says he does want to save our relationship but just doesn't know how. He admitted that OW is still in picture but that he has been ignoring texts from her lately if he's with the family. He admitted he knows that having her around still is not being 100% committed to saving things.

He's not ready to reconcile. You are plan B and for now he's happy keeping you there. You've got to break out of that. Make it clear to him that unless OW is out of the picture, you're not his doormat. Quit doing anything for him, no cooking/ cleaning/ etc. If he wants to room with you while pursuing OW then he should expect to take care of himself.

They have offered him use of their spare bedroom so that he can have space and time to figure out how he wants to proceed.

If he wants to move out then don't agree or disagree, just tell him you support his decision (whatever that may be).

He moves out at the end of the month, but has stated that he doesn't want it to be permanent.

DO NOT leave the door open for him. If he says he doesn't want it to be permanent, then you tell him you'll cross that bridge when you get to it because you can't say whether or not you'll want him back. He needs to know that while leaving is HIS decision, returning is YOUR decision.

At least he's admitted that he does want to work things out - that's a big step IMO as up until now he's only said he wasn't sure what he wanted.

It's a non-starter unless OW is out of the picture and he's willing to give you total access to his phone and email to prove she's out.

[Demoted26]

Sounds like our sitches have some similarities, in that distancing from our husbands hasn't seemed to work for us.

I sincerely hope your husband REALLY tries to leave the OW behind & make things work for your family.
Sorry you are going through this...
Hugs!

[Demoted26]

BTW, your husband's timing had me SMH.
Wow, these WAS amaze me with their coldness.
Fine, go....but do you HAVE to be cruel too?!

[Cadet]

So here it is - H has definitely given up on R. Still living in house but that is probably only because he doesn't have first and last rent yet. OW has a tight grip on him - she is the one who's been doing most of the chasing from what I've seen. She knows he's married, but it's like she doesn't care - like it's case of her marriage failed years ago and no one else deserves to have a happy marriage.

There were problems in our R before she was introduced to him, but they were all easily fixable if he had talked to me instead of people outside the marriage, people who took it upon themselves to fix him up with one of their friends. He now blames me for everything that is wrong with the R, says he doesn't trust me (and he's the one who broke the marital vows) and thinks I'm only trying to "win him back" because of OW. How would he know whether that's true or not when she's still around - he's always going to think that so long as she's around.

He texted me last night, but I suspect it was meant for her, not me as we'd only been texting about S13 - "Sometimes it's hard. I've never had to deal with anything like us before. Sometimes I'm insecure and that's just not me".

He's gone almost frigid with me - barely speaks, stays out or up late, little to no eye contact when we do talk, one word answers. S13 is starting to feel neglected by him and has talked to me about it. H even refused to go to school presentation today with S13. All I can say to S13 is that his mom and dad are having problems, but that he must always remember that it is not because of him and that we will both always love him, also that sometimes it's hard for people to show their love when their mind is in turmoil. I think he understands, but it hurts watching him try to connect with H when H's mind is not in the family anymore.

This is not where I want to be. My vows meant something and I never thought "Til death do us part" would mean the death of one's love for the other. The last time we had any kind of conversation he said he still had feelings for me and that is why he's still here. I thought I had my emotions under control and was detaching pretty well, but the last few days have opened up wounds again and the slightest things set me off.

Nothing I do is right. If I pull back, I'm ignoring him. If I try to talk or connect, I'm being clingy. If I get mad, I'm wrong and if I cry, I'm too needy. I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle and I don't like the feeling. I don't ask where he's going or when he'll be back, I've stopped asking what he wants for dinner - but then he says that's the problem in the first place.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2360041#Post2360041

Brought this over from your second thread, please stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.

I would suggest you use this one

[Not Quitting]

So today is the day H is moving into spare bedroom of the older couple he sees as surrogate parents. He doesn't want S13 at the house when he actually leaves, so we're off to the drive-in tonight. Have to admit I'm not sure I want to be there anyway - this is what he wants, not me. He's hinted that they've given him some advice on what he needs to do to make the M work - hopefully he's got enough respect for them to actually listen to what they have to say - they've been married for decades and are old school - you know, "fix it, not throw it out". In their opinion, only abuse is a reasonable cause for walking away from M without trying everything possible.

H took the three of us out for dinner last night and has kept S13 up late for two nights so they can have some time together - maybe should have thought of that before announcing he's moving out. Good thing school is almost finished so it doesn't matter if S13 is tired in the mornings. He keeps trying to reassure S13 that the move out is only temporary, that we are working on fixing things and staying together. Not sure if he's convinced, but I do know he's hurting, scared that he's gonna lose his dad.

DR book arrived yesterday - it's hidden away from H's sight until after he moves out then I'm going to sit and read it. DB should be here in the next day or two. They're both very popular at the library and I've had to wait for them to come available. If I find they're really helpful I'll probably go and buy my own copies, but borrowed ones it is for now. Got to save every penny.

A comment made by H implies that OW is not the option he once thought - got a text from her the other night and his comment was "for f*%k sake" and he switched the phone off. Maybe a step in the right direction if he continues like that. A mutual friend has implied that OW has become demanding and knowing H that will definitely not go down at all well - he doesn't like being given orders. Not going to read anything into it yet - way too early.

[Not Quitting]

DB came in at library today. Now H is out of house for his "trial separation" I can sit and read that and DR in peace. Also read Michelle's book on improving self and others around me. Found that one really helpful - already feeling a bit less depressed.

H left 48 hours ago. First contact since then was text from him this afternoon asking how S13 was doing. Sent short response that he seems ok and left it at that.

Working on detaching and GAL. Now he's not home I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time so I'm much more relaxed. The break is going to do me some good, whatever the outcome, I'd like to think. Picked up a hobby I've been neglecting completely for the last several months and spending minimal time on prior to that for a number of reasons - got some catching up to do with it.

H is coming round tomorrow afternoon to spend some time with S13. Let's see how he is after his dad leaves again. Hopefully he'll be ok still. And hopefully I'll be able to stay as relaxed as I feel right now.