THE GREAT LAND

[gunny]

Hello everyone, have been lurking around the board for the last few months, popping in where appropriate, trying to keep up on everyones sitches, etc, trying to move on in life, heal, and find some joy.

Have been doing pretty well, started dating, realing building up my support network, taking classes at local community colleges, continuing to get my tweaking from my therapist as needed, training for a half marathon, etc, all the good things that gal calls for.

About a month ago my ex called and said she was going on vacation and would I like to take the dog for a couple of weeks to spend some time with him. We had done this last year and things went very smoothly, we each drove 300 miles across pennsylvania, her from ohio, me from jersey and met at a mcdonalds. We arranged to do the same thing this year. This year we are divorced, last year we were still separated. For the last two weeks my anziety level has been growing, which hasnt really been a problem for me over the last year. As the day approached I started to dread the meeting.

So yesterday we met. She walked up to mcds and had a smile on her face and gave me a hug, she looked generally happy and very alive. We went inside and had a cup of coffee and talked for a couple of minutes. When she left me in oct 2011 it was a very sad ocassion, we left on amicable terms, and have both worked hard to keep things friendly.

We parted, and as I drove away yesterday I felt a steady anger rising up in me. I have worked very hard not to let the anger and disapontment and betrayal I feel not get the best of me, but I found myself thinking yesterday that she has a brand new car, a new house, and a new boyfriend, and a new life. I on the other hand feel like I am stuck. I live in a tiny little rental that my female friend calls a hobbit house, my car is 10 years old, and I am really finding it hard to get really close to anyone i AM dating. I feel like I was a good husband, I loved, honored, and cherised her, and I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick here.

This is all venting,in a few days I will be feeling better, but I just have to get this out, I know it is part of the healing process. The thin scab that was covering the wound was just ripped off yesterday, ouch! I know now that this will be the last year I will be seeing my dog, seeing her at this point is not healthy.

Anyone else have similar experiences? Thanks for listening!