Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

[hotwheelsaust]

Sorry GALbaby, your reply must have come through while I was typing mine. Seriously the party isn't really too much of a problem. Yes, being the weekend, it was something that made me go on the downhill rollercoaster ride. But I am not focusing on it. Just needed to vent. Maybe I should put that at the front of the message in future.
I am keeping up the PMA, in fact had a coffee with a male teacher the other night, who was quite impressed with my mental changes. We discussed issues about dealing with other drivers, school kids and admin, and I helped him with dealing with a work issue.
I do feel good about myself and my changes. What I am still struggling with is the detachment. My W is constantly on my mind, I get emotionally upset thinking about her, tears and all.

Patientman wrote something the other day that just hit me like a ton of bricks.
"I was in the bathroom yesterday brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, and for the first time I looked myself right in the eyes (in the mirror) and just out of nowhere said to myself, "she divorced you. Things were so bad that she can't/couldn't even work on it...she DIVORCED YOU."

There are so many examples of couples who have done some of the most unforgivable things and suffered though some of the most terrible treatment, yet were able to reconcile. And I'm divorced".

My reply to it was: "PM, I so understanding of what you said. I feel exactly the same way and I haven't yet reached the divorce point. I hate listening to the couple next door yell and scream at each other daily, hearing about issues in the media that couples go through and even my own SIL whose husband hit her and spat on her. But my W, doesn't want to or can't see any hope in a husband who is prepared to change and has changed for the love of his life."

I am simply so scared that my detachment, or the start of it, is just going to cause her to step further away. I still struggle with whether I should move back home at the end of the year or not. I feel that if I move back, then I have walked out from her. But if I stay, then I have another year of no contact. The crossroads feel like a lose/lose choice, rather than a win/lose option. I am so scared the more we stay apart, the more it is easier for the W to enjoy the single life. I just feel that there is something else I should be doing, but am not.

Sometimes I think I am in a worse state that what I started with 8 months ago.