Now 2+ yrs time to get off this limbo

[newman7977]

Oops I forgot to ask the q, so in females perspective is this respectable, turn on turn off? I mean she was almost ok to ML but there was doubt. So I pulled back. It almost seem that I'm thinking to myself make her miss it more?...idk

That would be great if I can get some female opinions on this thanks.

Newman

[littleGTO]

Well, sounds like a good Father's Day anyway, newman!

I am impressed w your no-S control. That takes a lot, esp from a man!

I wonder how long she was thinking about the "are you sure you are ready" question...and then she had to be surprised at the outcome. Seems to me she was pursuing you a bit today, or it could just be Father's Day. Who knows, but you did great!

[newman7977]

Thanks GTO, yeah she seem to give me these crumbs along the way. I suppose, she's trying to reel me. I have to stay on my plan of action though. I'm just scratching my head at roller coaster we're in.

Just feels like she's very confused on what she want to do...I'm like just drop the OM and get your head back in the M! But it's not that easy I suppose, I hope somehow her IC get her to think right. Oh well this is her issue nothing change for me and will stay in the course of action.

[SemperFi00]

Newman, sounds like you had a good Father's Day and handled things well. Nice job.

Keep up the good work. Stay strong!

[HopefulStill]

Newman,
Read a number of your posts. Your story reads very much like mine did before my wife and I got our marriage back. For me it was two years of making mistakes before I got it right. If I only knew then....

Couple of initial questions:
Is the other man married?
What support structure do you have (folks that know what's really going on)?
Are your kids aware of the EA?
How have the OM and your wife been communicating?

Additionally, other than her lack of "in love" feelings, would you say that you are doing and being everything she has always wanted in a husband? Would she agree (again, other than she isn't "in love" with you)?

Thanks!

[newman7977]

Couple of initial questions:
Is the other man married? Yes

What support structure do you have (folks that know what's really going on)? DB boards, IC, SIL, BIL, my mom, my sister and OM wife (she's not my support but she knows the EA)

Are your kids aware of the EA? No and I wouldn't tell them about this, I won't want them to get hurt, this is between my W & I.

How have the OM and your wife been communicating? Face time, it doesn't show on phone logs but I have my ways and know when she was talking to him...nowadays the EA is probably underground but they're messy so it is bound to come out.

Additionally, other than her lack of "in love" feelings, would you say that you are doing and being everything she has always wanted in a husband? Would she agree (again, other than she isn't "in love" with you)?

-well her biggest complain is my lack of interactions with the kids. Now she tells me that I've changed and she's glad that what this sitch has brought up is that it got me closer to my kids. She tells me she noticed my changes, but it's a little too late. I'm also no that co-dependent to her. I used to wait for her to whip out dinner now I take care of myself and do it. I've been also took charge of going to the market for all of us, that chabge is for me not for my W. I also not get in a bad mood when kids or her ask me for a favor like fixing her computer or loading/backing up phones.

I'm a changed man hopeful, I feel it the changes I've incorporated about myself still stick...it's been 2 yrs, but like everyone else I'm not perfect.

I read some of your post, but I don't know if there's a piecing thread. I like your style but not too over the top but tough I think that's needed if the WAW is in an EA/PA. How long did ur W got over the OM? Also did she backslide, mine keep backsliding so makes her start all over again...I believe it's an addiction and withdrawals and every time she connects with him she start from the beginning.

I call her out every time and she seem to respond but like I said she falls for it again. I don't control her she's free to go but my boundary is just that no OM if we're living together.

I believe the 3rd party is the roadblock and must be eliminated before the M will improve that's the first step. The OM is out of state, owns his own business so the only contact is long distance. So knowing this the more this could drag on, and he can hide his deficiencies behind the phone..unlike an A where they get together every day, the true colors will show up.

My W won't move out , I'm not gonna kick her out but she knows where I stand on her A and she knows I'm not gonna allow her to step all over me.

Anyway tell me more about your success and where you're at now. Thanks for stopping by.

Newman

[HopefulStill]

Newman,
I did post about our marriage recovery with a (long) digest of how it came together, but it was posted in the "infidelity" forum, which appears to have been reset! If I search for my posts, any that I made in that forum are gone.
Not sure why the entire board was eliminated, but my posts went with it.

My wife was involved in the ea for 2 years. She would constantly lie to me an tell me there was no contact, but there was. Each time I caught it, she would change tactics (hide phone numbers under someone else's contact info, or under notes in her phone etc.). We saw a counselor for a year and she flat out lied to her as well. She would say: "it's not him- I don't even think about him. It's me. I'm broken inside. I just don't love you."

So yes, I'm in 100% agreement with you that it's an addiction. They behave just like those rehab folks you see on tv! Deny, deflect, blame, guilt, threaten- all in an effort to keep their addiction going!

Making a long story short, my wife was put into a position of having to make a choice- him or me. If she chose him, she and I would never speak again. We'd have an intermediary handle communication about the kids. I refused to fill emotional needs for her while she'd chosen someone else to be with her. If she chose me, I promised that all of the changes she had witnessed in me over the previous two years would continue, and I'd do everything I could to make it the marriage of her dreams. I told her that our relationship foundation was built on years of friendship, love and trust, and that the only thing she could be sure the OM relationship started with was that he was a cheater. I knew all of my wife's flaws and loved her in spite of them- he knew none of them, only her best side. Leaving for him would be a huge risk on her part, and she knew it- like a moment of clarity.
She said "but I don't love you, and I don't think I can ever get it back". I told her that I knew that she didn't love me, but as long as she has ANY contact with the OM she never would. We need to try, REALLY try, to make our marriage work, with zero contact with the OM. (previously they would "break it off" and try to work on their marriages, but it was never done with conviction, and someone would always cave in a moment of weakness and the affair was back on). She asked to sleep on it.

The next morning, she again asked "what if she wasn't able to love" me again. I asked her for a solid year of zero contact. If she didn't love me after that, then we'd go our separate ways. But at least she'd know in her heart that she'd given it her all for her family. Her heart could feel genuine. She agreed to work on the marriage and cut it off 100% with him forever.:)

Did she suffer withdrawel? Yup. She did. She'd get sad, grumpy, tempted- you name it. But she's a strong woman and kept her word of no contact (we had sent him and his wife a no contact letter. She never spoke with him again). We still had no sex for months- she just "didn't feel that way" about me.

Well, I continued to be a great husband. She started saying "were gonna be ok". I knew she was seeing hope and that my attentiveness was working. Then she told me one day that she loved me. Then she started snuggling up to me all the time. She started putting me ahead of the kids. Occasionally I'd see that "look" in her eyes again. You know the look. It's unmistakable- its the one you wish you could see again. Then, we ML. It keeps getting better and better. She's totally devoted to me now. All of the rewriting of history that happened during the affair has been reversed! I was now always a great guy! Weird, huh?

She has thanked me several times for fighting for her, saving her, saving the family. She says that at the time she never would have believed shed feel this way again. She says it the happiest she's ever been (and I thought she was on cloud 9 when we were first married). She says we have the best marriage of anyone she knows, and she feels so lucky to be with me.

Many folks on these boards ride their marriage right down into the dirt. If you are spineless (and I don't mean acting like a jerk), your spouse will lose respect for you and you will give them all the reason they need to leave. You need to make yourself a real alternative to the affair partner- not their foil.

[newman7977]

Hopeful,

I wish I had more time to post this morning thanks for sharing your story. I was following this success story in the infidelity forum and would read it when I'm down this is about a month ago, I even posted there requesting to check out my thread...after reading your story I have no doubt that was your sitch. Even posters there were saying "and that folks is how it's done".

But you're right it's gone even my post to that sitch is gone when I look at my posts. Yep it's been wiped out. Not sure what happened there but I'm glad I ran in to you.

I will post more later I hope you stick around.

Newman

[GALbaby]

Hey Newman, still keeping up with the sitch and supporting your decisions to do what it best for you and your family. Loved reading Hopefulstill's story. It gives hope to so many here. Keep up the good work.

[littleGTO]

It is good to hear Hopefulstill's story. It gives hope where it seems there is little to none.

And, it reinforces the TIME commitment needed and the CONSISTENCY in the changes we make.

I know we all need to hear some positive, success stories to keep us hopeful, too.