so, what's your "take" on why he doesn't just clear out? do you think he thinks he's being "a nice guy" not tossing me on the street? he's the stinkin lawyer- maybe he knows that even renters or squatters have rights - and he can't just do it??? a thought.
why would he bother keeping me around and paying bills - coming here- i truly don't get it.
he clearly doesn't want to be generous about me leaving and just hand over house and say adios. he could make it as quick and painless as he wanted.
honestly dawn- i'm not too kindly toward h either. he has chosen to find someone else more important than me (either him or ow - who?). i asked very little- only had to be the most important person in his life.
i don't think i can "settle" for this life.
idk- i'm getting a bit worn out with the lables and trying to figure what he is- besides a big fat lying jerk. that lable - im sure of. does it actually matter if he's mlc, was or doa? he goes on being nice to me verbally - coming here- no affection i can detect. i don't want to be just friends or platonic - EEUUUCHHHH i don't like being alone- i don't like being with him.
with him here it feels like it's "in my face".
I talked to my neices daughter today- 4yrs. her voice cracked when she was telling me to come down there fast because she misses me and maybe she could visit me. i felt like crying too- she's so little - she doesn't understand. I tell her my mommy needs help because she's old. lying to a baby- straight to hell.
it's been all about HIS life for too darn long- i miss my own life. i gave away too much - too willingly. who ever knew? me and my dopey ole romantic notions about love.
i answered phone "is that you?" cheerily - he said yeah, and i paused a bit and said "oh- wrong "you" - nevermind...-
he's such a putz too. i never would have known what a drip he was either- i was sooooo besotted. would have made excuses til my dying day for him.
oh well-
off to bed- maybe will get a call to work and keep me busy yet another day...
it's hard - isn't it. everyone can have opinions and strategy til the cows come home. we're a couple of people who had love- liked it just fine - thought we knew what our lives would be - and now find ourselves on the receiving end of h's in some sort of (what?) insanity/crisis/changeover.
i'm very tired - cold is now in my chest - he called here to ask about my insurance premium (researching new ins that may be less for both of us) ?? - like, doing something "for" me - like why bother. an excuse to call & touch base. why??- he "ran away" fast- fearful of any conversational fallout about his weekend.
this minute- i may not hate him- i may tho, i sure don't love him or lust after him- i just feel empty. i think he's caused my heart to go into hibernation to save itself. it's small and cold and in a dark dark place keeping safe (from him)
so- that you would even initiate a kiss- interesting. i can't bring myself to want to- and then, there are ALLLLLLLL those rules about do this, don't do that, etc.
just a very tired girl checking in- glad you're having an okay day afterall.
