Why didn't I think of this earlier? When h made his commment about me living in a nice home, I could have said, "you have a nice house in a beautiful setting. Once you settle in you'll find it to be just as comfortable".....or something to along that line.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
You'll get your opportunity to say that about his house and nice setting. Trust me, he'll say something about you living in your house again.
Love the key deal. My xh tried his keys and they didn't work. He tried the garage door opener on our detached garage and it didn't work. Why? Because I unplugged it and he didn't have an opener for my side. My neighbor said he said on his deck and watched him, just knowing xh couldn't get in. He said the show was worth the time and popcorn to watch.
Oh, well...one day they'll learn (hopefully).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, your story about your h is so funny. The neighbor must have been laughing. Great idea to unplug the garage door opener. If my h comes and gets his car, I'll have to remember that. His car is parked in the slot next to mine which has the double door. Hmmm, I may have to scramble the combination.
I read somewhere in archives that your h had an obession about a plastic egg? What was that all about? Does he still check in with you now and then? His ow has cancer, right? Are you worried that if something happens to her that he'll be back at your doorstep?
It's been quiet tonight. No calls, no texts. I think he's trying to make his house a little more comfortable. He's a creature of habit and lately doesn't deal with change very well. I wonder how long it will be before he's back looking for more creature comforts to try to make himself feel "normal".
Today I started moving some of my clothes into the space that he created in the closet when he bagged up his clothes to move. I'm also making a few changes to the furniture and of course the bedroom from which he took the bed. Along with all of my other committments, I'm busier than I want to be but it's good for me and keeps my mind from wandering to the not so pleasant part of my life.
I spent part of yesterday and some of today in the gardens transplanting and dividing plants. H and I spent months and months designing and planting when we first moved in so it brought back some very fond memories. H mentioned coming over to help me keep up with it so he must have forgotten that he hired someone to take care of the yard and lawn. Maybe he plans on cancelling the service and doing it himself. It's very theraputic for him to work with his hands and I'm sure he'll miss it.
I do hope that your h and eventually mine will learn not only never to p^ss us off but that facing their issues head on would have been a whole lot easier.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Yes, it's a great idea to unplug the garage door opener if you don't want things to disappear w/o your knowledge. What's interesting is that he never wanted any of his tools and still doesn't to this day. I would have been more than happy to open the garage up for him when I was home. Oh, well, his loss.
The Easter Egg was the story of the day back in 2000. His mother had given me this old ugly plastic egg to use as a filler in a basket and quite frankly, I had forgotten about it because I had put it away and never used it. I had it for about 4 years. Well, "Eggbert" demanded that freaking egg, his baby photos and my key to his truck. I was more than willing to mail all of this stuff to him, but my lawyer suggested one visit to the home and let it the end of it. So, I agreed. He showed up with 2 deputies to get this stuff and what's funny is I knew the 2 deputies and they thought he was completely nuts. When packing up the rest of the stuff that I had found, he just threw the egg in the suitcase and I guess it got broken...but it was more of a "I'll show you that I can come in my home deal". I think he brought the deputies because he was trying to intimate me...but it didn't work. I served them up cokes and asked about their families while he was huffing and puffing around the garage and in our sight in the home. So, very sad. Eleven years later, he still asks for things from my now home and the answer is always the same...check the divorce decree, you got just what you asked for.
I hear from him once in a while. Yes, his ow (current wife) has ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed just about 2 years ago and is still fighting for her life. She's had various rounds of chemo and tumors have appeared in other parts of her internal organs. He's kind of in denial because he's still off doing his thing and I don't think she's in that great of shape to be out and about for long periods of time. I feel for her and wouldn't wish this type of illness on anyone. You know, you aren't the first person to ask if I'm worried about his showing back up on my doorstep if something should happen to her...if he's anything like his father in his behaviors, he will not try it. He will find someone else because it's too difficult to admit the wrongs he created. Would I take him back? My answer continues to be no. So there you have it...a very short version of the Egg story.
It's nice to rearrange your furniture because it gives the room a new look and it makes you feel better. Have you thought of painting your bedroom? Something fresh and bright?
Gardens are wonderful for the soul. Your hands are working in the soil and just think what takes place once the plants are thriving...Mother Nature provides you w/a beautiful picture of life w/the blooms, etc. I don't think he'll cancel the service. I think it's his way of checking on you and his "territory".
I seriously doubt that my xh ever learn to face his issues head on. BTW, everyone was surprised that my xh would try the things he did w/me just knowing my personality and knowledge of the law...but stupid is as stupid does.
Enjoy your weekend. Enjoy your garden for it will bring a smile to your face when you've completed the planting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Boy NLT, your daughter is one smart, cool young woman. It's one thing to be able to use the non-threatening open ended questions when talking to a patient. But when you're talking to your DAD about his OW!? Amazing! You must be so proud of her.
I'm glad you were able to share with her, and that she is supportive of your DB methods. Maybe she'll be able to give you some more hints on how to deal with a temporarily psychotic person LOL! I'm open to suggestions.
I have trouble remembering the validating statements too. You need to be able to spit it out as soon as the crazy statement comes out of his mouth. Imagine the scene -- your H makes some off the wall statement, so you whip out your list and start scanning it frantically to find just the right thing to say!!! Maybe we should try to memorize 2 or 3?
Have a great weekend in your beautiful home! I'm looking forward to hearing your H's text and phone call count tonight
Boy Snodderly, you have been through some very strange times with your x. The stories make me laugh now but it must have been so hard for you to live through all of his shenanigans back then! Good thing you were able to find his stupid plastic Easter egg, those deputies might have had to bring you in LOL!!
A mind truly is a terrible thing to waste! You said it best though, "stupid is as stupid does!"
Snodderly, Your story about the plastic egg is hilarious. Bringing deputies with him? He was surely thinking about your personality and knowledge of the law when he invited them to accompany him to your home! I bet he wasn't happy when you chatted with the deputies while serving them snacks. I almost feel sorry for him. Well, not really but I say good for you. I hope it doesn't come to that for me. As to him showing up at your doorstep. I wouldn't count on him following in his father's footsteps. In the times that you've talked to him or have seen him, how has he acted towards you. Does he seem to have a clue as to what he's done? Does he act guilty or is he stuck in the same place as when he left all those years ago? I guess some have trouble admitting that they've made a mistake but maybe his experience with twinkle twat and helping her through her cancer treatments will wake him up.
Linda, Only four phone calls yesterday. No texts. I answered the last one late last night. He had left a message earlier in the day about coming by to make drinks and sit on the patio. I think he's looking for a Father's Day dinner. Not sure if I want him invading my space. After all he's not MY father but he is the father of our children so I guess I should at least acknowledge that. He's been a good father to them and up until recently haa been so good with the youngest one that that the disabilities. Many father's have trouble with special needs children and from what I've read nearly 50% of families with special needs children end in D. He is very protective of her yet right now I see him getting down at her level with the teenage behaviors. Several months ago they got into an argument. It was about something that she said to him. Typical defiant, teenage behavior (not unlike his right now) and he didn't like it. He pretty much lost it and told her that she was acting like a child and that he wasn't going to put up with it, blah, blah, blah. Yes, she needed to be confronted and corrected but not blasted. He ended up hanging up on her!
This morning I sat outside with my cup of coffee and enjoyed the silence and watched the birds at the feeders. We have a hummingbird feeder that was full of activity this morning. They are always entertaining and many times will come within a foot of my face and just "hover". Not just for a few seconds but for nearly a minute. Curious little creatures and so much fun to watch as the males chase the females away from the feeder.
I didn't give my h a Birthday card this year and am struggling with whether to give him a generic, non specific card thanking him for being a loving, caring father to the kids. Any ideas?
Hope that all of you fathers out there have a wonderful day with your families.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hummingbirds are fasciniating little birds, i.e., always flitting here and there scooping up the nectar for their energy sources. They come in a variety of colors, shapes and sizes too. I enjoy watching them as well.
About the birthday card, keep it very simple/generic.
Try to enjoy the rest of your afternoon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just got a call from h. Says he's on his way over for a drink. He sounds formal and detached. Too much time alone to think, I believe.
He asked me where I've been. Then asked me if I was out on a date. I jokingly said yeah and chuckled. He said, good, good. Then asked me if he could pick up anything for me at the store. Told him if he wants pina coladas that he might want to stop and get some Rum but that I had everything for Margaritas! Said he'd stop and get Rum.
Wish me luck and pray that he's not going to drop another B on me. Don't think I could take it yet.
He seems as if he's on a mission. Hope it's just one of those "moods".
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
HA! Linda, Yes, we did a get just a little tipsy but not until after we made a trip to the paint store. He asked me if I'd help him pick out some paint for the new house. I told him that I'd be happy to do that (thinking that if I didn't he might choose some awful color) so off we went. His mood had changed totally by the time he arrived so I wasn't dealing with what I thought I might.
When we came back he went out to the garage and picked up a few tools while I made Pina Coladas. We took them outside, sat on the patio and chatted. He kept telling me how nice I looked. We chatted about what needed to be done at the new house, the kids, work and then he wanted to know how my social life was. LOL I didn't have trouble this time, it rolled right off my lips! I said, My social life is exactly the way I want it. He asked me what I had done last night. I told him that I went to see a movie. Then I smiled kind of a wicked little smile. He had no response which is unusual for him. I changed the subject and we drank out drinks and shared a sandwich. He was here for about 2 hours. He said he had to get back and put some paint samples on the house before it got too dark. He told me to stop by for dinner tomorrow or the next day and told me again that I was welcome to come by anytime I wanted. When we got to the door I told him to have a good week at work. He turned around and grabbed the waistband of my slacks, pulled me in as close as he could, told me I looked good and gave me a big SMACK on the lips. LOL! It was the old h in living, breathing color. I laughed and said you do too, pulled back a little, smiled, gave him an old familiar look and turned to go back inside. He almost seemed embarrassed but touched my arm said that he'd see me tomorrow.
Snodderly, I had my chance to tell him that response that I couldn't think of after he left the last time he was here. He looked around MY house and noticed the changes that I'd made and said the house looked good. He said he felt as if he was camping and that the house seemed in disarray. I know that isn't true because he is kind of a stickler for keeping thing neat and clean. That's when I told him that he would feel more comfortable in his house after he had everything in order. He agreed but told me about a few more things that he would have to do before he'd feel that way. Mission accomplished! I don't think he's having a very good time there alone. His next step will be to encourage the ow to either come up for a visit or to invite her to move in with him. Oh well, if it has to happen, let it happen now instead of later. The sooner they live together, the sooner they'll either realize that the grass isn't greener or fall deeper into that fantasy world that they've created for themselves.
He had barely pulled out of the driveway when the phone rang. It was my D. We had an interesting conversation. She's in full agreement that if he's so determined to be with the ow then he should do it. Knowing him as she does but looking at it from a more neutral view, she believes that it will end rather quickly. The problem is, she hasn't been here for an extended period of time so she hasn't seen the behavior nor heard all of the nonsensical (is that a word) spew that has been coming out of his mouth. There are just some things you can't tell your kids! Anyway, it's our secret and she is up for the challenge.
I'm beat so off to bed for now with a renewed feeling of determination and resolve.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
LOL! It was the old h in living, breathing color. I laughed and said you do too, pulled back a little, smiled, gave him an old familiar look and turned to go back inside. He almost seemed embarrassed but touched my arm said that he'd see me tomorrow.