My WAW story

[mtb1981]

So, my wife left in the middle of February and moved St. Louis (2 hours away) to stay with her uncle, leaving me with our 2 kids. . We have been together for 7 years and married for 5, with a D4 and S3. I did not know what a WAW was until I stumbled across this forum, and it seems to be exactly what my sitch is. I had thought everything was OK ,and then the BD. i got the whole ILYBNILWY, this has been building up for the past 2 years, I can't be happy here, I want a divorce, etc. Of course, I made the classic mistake of begging, pleading, and pursuing in hopes of changing her mind for 3 months. More intense in the beginning and tapering off towards the end. I finally realized that it was only pushing her further away. She even told me at points that I was pushing her away, but I was too stupid to pay attention and listen.

The first month she was gone, she was very cold, and avoided having contact with me as much as she could. Insisted that she wanted a divorce, had her mind made up, and there was nothing I could do. She finally warmed up and said she wasn't sure that she wanted a divorce and might want to work on it. Keep in mind, the whole time I am still in panic mode, trying to convince her to come home to work on things. She is saying " I love you" again, wearing her wedding ring again, and told me she wanted to take it slow. However, I kept pressuring her to move back home so we could start to work on things as soon as possible. I know now, that was the worst thing to do, but I still kept at it. In my mind, we weren't going to be able to solve our marital problems being physically separated and never being able to spend any quality time together. I felt like by doing what I was doing I was showing her how important our relationship was and that it could indeed be saved. That if I sat around not letting her know how I felt, she would think I didn't care and start moving on.

At the beginning of May I convinced her to go to counseling with me. She attended 1 session and said that she thought it was good. Then, she missed the 2nd session, bc of "car trouble". Missed the 3rd due to work related conflicts. And missed the 4th due to "car trouble" again. I got the hint that she wasn't interested in counseling and we have stopped trying to go. Later, she told me she did think counseling was OK, but she didn't like some of the things the counselor had said about her part in our marriage troubles.

It was during this time, I brought up an ultimatum. Again, I know, wrong thing to do. She was telling me that she wanted our marriage to work and our family to be together, but at the same time she was happy inn St. Louis and felt alive again. She has a part time job there, and several friends she met through work. I felt like she enjoyed the free time, hanging out with friends in the bar, and sowing her wild oats. We married when she was 20 and I was 26 and had kids shortly after. I felt like she was cake eating. I told her that she couldn't have both. She needed to choose between living the single life in St. Louis or coming home to work on us. She said she was going to come home to work on us. I was ecstatic! But first she needed to train a girl to take over her position at her job. I asked how long that would take and she said a week. One week turned into 2, and 2 into 3. The whole time I keep asking her when she is going to be back and she can never give me a timeframe. During this time, she had also been working part time at an insurance agency, and they offered her a full time position around the same time she said she would come home to work on things. Any way, towards the end of May she says that she is not coming home anymore, that she is looking for her own place in St. Louis, and is starting full time at the insurance place. The whole time she said she was going to come home, I had a feeling she was planning on staying there. I just don't know why she wasn't honest with me in the first place. Said she was quitting the part time job to come home, when in actuality she was quitting to take the full time position.

I realize that my sitch is not as bad as many, and would probably be much better if I hadn't been so pushy and needy in the first place, but what is done is done. I have realized my faults and what I have done to cause her to want to leave in the first place and have worked on improving myself since day one. Sorry this is so lengthy, but I have a lot on my mind and want to be as specific as I can so I can get the best advice possible. I'll leave it at this for now and fill in the rest later. Thanks in advance for any advice and help. My family is really important to me, and I appreciate any help I can get.

Thanks,
mtb1981