Another small baby step....well tiny but I'm taking it
Dropped S things off with W this am after dropping S at school. This is the only interaction me and W have when we are alone each week. Usually I stay at least an hour before heading to work and we just chat and drink coffee.
Recently I have started to initiate hugs. DB coach said to try as long as I reacted as if she pulled away. She hasn't pulled away so each time we have parted I give her a hug and she reciprocates. I also wish her a good week/good weekend each time we part company to which she always responds you to.
So onto this am. I couldn't stay long as had an early presentation to give at work. Had a quick coffee with W and then had to leave. She initiated a hug but a big hug. You know the type, a bit more than a social hug. She also said "you have a lovely week" at which point her voice choked.
However, the key point is not what she said but the tone. For the first time she sounded like she actually cared. You know when you have been with someone for so long what the different tones in their voice mean. Well this was different, so different it actually took me back a little and I very nearly told her I loved her......very nearly . She then said 'hugging you feels different, there is a lot less of you' Now I couldn't tell if this was a compliment or not given I have been working out like a madman at the gym and lost a ton of wait. But she sounded genuine and smiling and again in that 'tone'!
Now I have got carried away with these moments in the past and come crashing down so trying to keep things in perspective.
I also can't help thinking what does she want? Is that normal to be so suspicious?
But I needed something as I was starting to doubt my resolve, my feelings for W and whether I would be able to last. The good thing is my motivation and feelings for W came flooding back in the space of a 5 minute hug and interaction.
As far as the possible A goes I have decided to ride it out and not mention it. I have lasted this long I don't want to risk blowing my progress out of the water by being wrong and acting needy. Plus as Wendylon says W has never committed to working on the R and I cannot control her.
So back to me..... had my 2nd soccer match this evening which I really enjoyed. My horse riding lesson went well last week and we are moving onto a canter this week. Running club is going great, gym is going well if a little boring if I'm honest and I continue to build my R with S to new levels. I now have activities every evening (2 activities on Wednesday evening) plus S each weekend. For once in my life I am also getting my work/life balance just about perfect as well.
As for W holiday I am going to have S and let her go. I have not told her but thinking about it I think it would demonstrate to W that I can cope with S on my own for a week, that things could be different if there was any chance of R and more importantly it would give her the chance to have a holiday without caring for S and will be longest break she has had from him in nearly 14 years. There will be a provision that I will need some weekends off to get the work done on the house and during those weekends I spend time with S at hers after work (which she offered previously).
Sorry for the long post and thanks to those who continue to comment. This board continues to be a life line and the people that give their time to help are very special.
"But I needed something as I was starting to doubt my resolve, my feelings for W and whether I would be able to last."
I so get this rky, and have been there myself. We DO need these little positives to help us continue standing. I'm glad you got one.
"Now I have got carried away with these moments in the past and come crashing down so trying to keep things in perspective."
This is normal.
You want to keep things in perspective? Think about this:
I think sometimes, when they sense we may be giving up, they toss out a few crumbs to keep us on the line.
Sorry, but that should keep you grounded!
I like your plan and think you need to change nothing. Just continue DB as you are. I doubt W is really sure what she wants yet, and you are making a great case for her sticking with you.
Oh, and Wendy's post re the possible A made a lot of sense. Thanks Wendy!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
'I think sometimes, when they sense we may be giving up, they toss out a few crumbs to keep us on the line.'
Agree. This is one of the confusing parts. If they have given up and are done, then why keep throwing out the crumbs? But I guess your other point answers this......
'I doubt W is really sure what she wants yet, and you are making a great case for her sticking with you'
Thank you! although they do a great job of convincing us otherwise
'Oh, and Wendy's post re the possible A made a lot of sense. Thanks Wendy!'
Thanks to you all on this. It is something I really value on here.....that I get to hear both points of view on a decision I am struggling with.....and it is these types of decision that I feel I have to get right or risk starting back at square 1.
On a real downer. Over the last couple of days a raging anger is brewing and I can't stop it.
Wife is just getting on my nerves. Stepson getting on my nerves. Can' help think I have spent the last 13 years bringing up someone else's son, giving him stability etc etc etc and my own sons home is now broken into pieces.
Stepson has always been W favourite and it is now just plain getting on my nerves.
I hate my Wife for doing this, hate her selfishness, I feel like I don't even like her as a person anymore with her moaning all the time about what little money she gets as a carer for our sons and how much she is saving the govt. Feel like screaming in her face that its your Son, why the h*ll should you get paid for looking after him. I want to tell her that our cosy chats and coffees are over. That there is no friendship outside of the marriage and I am well and truly done and want to move on. She is welcome to her life on benefits with her f£$%ked up friends single friends.
TBH the way I am feeling at the moment I feel like the last 13 years have just been a bad joke at my expense.
If that's all self pity I don't care, I am entitled to some.
BTW nothing new has happened in my sitch to trigger this. I need a break from DB and a holiday, maybe then I will feel differently.
Why your stepson is getting on our nerves? I would think that he is not taking your situation easy. My H raised my S25 since he was 8. When my son found out what was going on with our M, he was not happy. I think to him it is like going through another parents split all over again. He is 25, and even then it is not easy for him. He is very supportive of me, but he also tries to maintain good relationship with my H when he sees him, which is not often. In your situation you are on the other side of equation, but the feelings of a broken home are still the same for your stepson. This is just my opinion. I don’t remember all the details about your sitch, sorry.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hang in there, Rkyfat. You've been amazingly patient so let yourself feel fed-up bit just don't make any decisions right now.
Is your wife comparing her lot to that of others who are getting more benefits? Tell us more about her moaning if that helps get it off your chest. I imagine that it won't be hard for you to go a bit dim on her for now.
I look forward to hearing more from you and send you strength do deal with all the annoying people in your life
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Brightfuture, SS has either been putting on a brave face or is fine with the sitch. He does a great job of acting "as if" and we have never talk about the sitch...although he has been living away for most of it.
FY thanks for the advice. Yes I have talked with a coach and was saving a session for when I most needed it. Looks like now is the time. Coach said to make W my project, from what I've told him his view is that she has spent so much time caring for others she wants someone to look after her. To make her feel special again. This is similar to Sandi2 earlier post on my sitch on my first thread. Basically he said keep doing what I am doing but to really search to get to know her again.
I won't blow up to her and the letter is a very good idea.
Wendylon - thank you for the comments. W thinks she is hard done to because of her carers allowance. Although when you add everything up including benefits for S it is a tidy sum - enough so she can afford 2 holidays abroad and a weekend away this year!. It just irks me that she feels she should get paid for looking after S. Whilst I agree he is demanding and there should be some recompense if she cannot work. But she could work weekends now etc but basically thinks the state owes her a living.
I won't be making any decisions but I just feel like this is hopeless. The bulk of my anger however is frustration about special needs S. She has made a couple of comments along the lines of he won't know any different and the way she sees this whole sitch as an opportunity for her to get more breaks! It is this I want to get off my chest more than anything else. The fact that just because he cannot talk or communicate well it doesn't mean he is not affected......and to make comments along the lines of lets use this to out advantage so we can go on holiday alone etc etc just gets on my nerves...especially seeing S will probably not get a holiday as it is too much to manage him on a flight or holiday alone.
But as usual when I got to W on Monday to drop S things off she had already made a coffee and got 2 chairs out in the back garden! I ended up staying until lunchtime (the time just flew by). But I think that is my problem. I am getting well and truly in the friendship zone and she isn't experiencing what it would be like without me around at all. I then drive away wishing I had dropped things off and left.
IDK need sometime to think about my strategy. It will be 12 months in August and so far there seems no way of any reverse to my sitch. I even have times when I doubt it is MLC but then I think back to what she was like and guess I only see a small glimpse of her these days so don't know.
Just journaling. Stepson has been home from University for a couple of weeks now.
He has only stayed 2 nights at W so far. I feel bad about getting frustrated with him now as its been good having him around.
W asked to come around today to collect some more clothes. I said fine (I was out at work). She picked up some more clothes but also did some of my laundry whilst here which was a bit bizarre!! I have kept on top with laundry so there wasn't much to do...but hey, it was nice having someone help out especially as I am working full time and effectively got both kids at home during my time off.
I text her and thanked her. She replied your welcome, and went on to say she needs to make another trip as she still has summer clothes in the loft!
I have a long weekend away camping with some friends in 3 weeks time that I am looking forward to.
