having the weekend from hell myself- even laid around in bed sick as a dog and cried- oh man. reduced to this...
read the link you put above -it's good stuff. it helps a bit- BUT honestly- i can't figure it out on my own.
i just don't think i ever will -
i don't think anyone can- i have lost faith in h - i've lost faith that he will ever stop and look at himself and SEE wtf is going on- what he's doing/done-heading for...or care.
no faith in my ability to continue doing this ALONE forever- or as long as it would take. (no faith i'll meet someone to make it easier)
mlc- was? he's got "stuff" of both. i've wondered if it matters what it's called?
maybe he is stuck- maybe he's the one that will never grow up- he does act like a kid- always has. (that "quirky" behavior we thought was okay- put good spin on- ) (still hurts to remember how very fond i was of this man). not as keen as it used to be- i'm getting soooooooo toward the end here...
i've wondered if he will ever re-appreciate us - me- i don't think so. i think he'll do this & be this forever -
i got nothin today- yeah i know- someone said when you're layin at the bottom looking up - there's no where else to go but up ...
ha
he comes back here tue
dread it really- why??? opportunity for him to "check" and make sure i'm still terrible? feels like it-
he'll be perfectly "nice" and "normal" -
i have no desire to woo him- or primp for him- or do anyting other than back over him with the car.
what gives any human being the right to do this to another.
what kind of person CAN do this to another?
sorry- i'm a giant bumnmer myself. i hope your day is okay and you're feeling a bit better.
that post series was really good - i'm going to re read later when i have time. you'e rite also that we learn so much- how the heck to apply it so it HELPS....
what else? I need to clean up a bit. I HATE THAT MY LIFE IS NOTHING MORE THAN the threat of disapproval over - what? everything about me. i'm gettin mighty sick of disapproval- (hey- only took 62years for me to say NO to that...)
sos- i associate him with having to clean up- feeling criticized about it- (his "reason" for defection- mess).
honest or is it his convenient (invented) bs - blamefest?
i vote the latter.
yet- i do it- i hate himn for that and i hate me for that.
i'm okay- i'm not all hate-ie- just felt good to say it out loud.
i'm outta here- it's nice and cool & every day it's not hot i love it and appreciate the stay of execution (hot hot summer heat)
blue-eyed freckle girl signing off-
xxoo ((( ))) we'll get thru- (a bit damaged, but essentially in tact) - but somehow - thru it all in the end... i know it.
