Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I was in the bathroom yesterday brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, and for the first time I looked myself right in the eyes (in the mirror) and just out of nowhere said to myself, "she divorced you. Things were so bad that she can't/couldn't even work on it...she DIVORCED YOU."

There are so many examples of couples who have done some of the most unforgivable things and suffered though some of the most terrible treatment, yet were able to reconcile. And I'm divorced. One of the questions the judge asked was, "There is no chance for reconciliation in this marriage?" "No."

I still don't think I've fully accepted the reality of it. I took my ring off for the first time last week - sitting in my car in the parking lot right after the judge declared us legally divorced. That was something I had figured out about myself: that me wearing my ring - regardless of her wearing hers or how she treats our marriage - represented ME and what *I* stood for. And I was wearing my ring until the divorce was final because of what it said about me. (My ring finger still feels naked, but I haven't put the ring back on even just to maybe feel better...more comfortable.)

I spoke with my couple of confidants lately and am still pondering my decision. A lot of good information from reliable and caring sources. I think I know what I am going to do, it's just a tough row to hoe.

W is still lonely and reaching out for whatever reason. I feel empathy for her and how lost and helpless she feels - I've been there. I respect her decisions, though I don't like them. I know she is struggling with them mightily.

I have the urge to look her dead in the eyes and just very calmly tell her, "I was soooo in love with you. Sooooo...ferociously in love with you...there just have never been words that can describe what I felt for you." And then just leave.

Probably a bad idea, but I honestly don't think it would go over that poorly. Even if it does, what's she going to do?

-PM