Its tough; getting tougher

[amy1982]

Ive enjoyed reading others threads & decided it would be helpful to start my own.
My H & I had a very romantic 1st 5 years & good times off & on in the last 4 1/2 yrs. The trouble began, from my point of view, when he became VERY INVOLVED w/ his best friend & wife 4 1/2 yrs ago. Ever since, his R w/ them has been more imp than our R & they def have more influence. Theyre the kind that anything flies but Im more cautious & conservative. My H began buying his buddys W (Ann) gifts,florist bouquet, kissing, expressing love, etc. Naturally I was upset but my H & the other couple thot I was out of place. I had many painful mo & there was much tension between all of us. That faded out aftr a while, then I realized my H had a crush on a neighbor girl. Again I was jealous & bitched. I don't think it amounted 2 much but sure made me insecure & distrustful. My H & I couldn't communicate about this..he thot I was totally out of place in my reactions. I finally talked w/ SIL & called her when I was in pain. But she gets 2 stressed out so she got me 2 talk 2 her H my H's brothr. So that was my form of release so I wouldn't blow up in my H face. At that point my BIL & I didn't have much in common. Things smoothed out in our R but then my H got secretive, spent time in private on phone etc. One day I found a long love letter 2 a young girl 9 hrs away ( happens 2 be his buddys SIL) I was totally crushed. I called my BIL again in grt distress. over time we got very close, thing is, his W knew & was comfortable w/ it. I couldn't fathom! My H also knew there was a grtr connection but I couldn't tell that he cared. I think he KNEW me, that I was very against loose R. I was afraid @ confront H.. Ive always been afraid 2 rock the boat. He always made me feel like it was my problem & I will admit I was insecure & jealous. I wanted 2 strangle any1 that wd mess w/ my guy. Hes very handsome & winsome. Anyway aftr I found that love letter I kinda gave up. My BIL was very attached 2 me by then & we slowly got int R. Stupid I know. As it turns out I surprised my H & I (still cant 4give myself) but it was the turning point & I returnd 2 our M. I confessed & in a couple mo our R seemed closer than ever. We nevr really dealt w/ everything & I guess it was festering 4 my H. Guess what. That young girl mandy moved..next door & things blew up. My H started spending a lot of time w/ her & I was very afraid & reacted very strongly. I sent him some texts that were very disrespectful about me not being able to trust. That was 6 mo ago (more in next post)

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[amy1982]

Thanks so much cadet. I am giving it my best shot!!

[amy1982]

Back 2 my story..It seems that was the straw that broke the camels back & he closed his heart to me. That was 7 mo ago. Now he spends most of his evenings away..at his BF house where Mandy lives. I don't even try 2 Know whats going on. I have learned some bitter lessons. I used to be dependant, insecure, & looked for him to make me happy. Im learning..sometimes I do great with being unattached but then I slip back 2 my old ways and fret & want to just throw in the towel.
Especially when I think of the odds against me..From all I see he's having EA, his best friends don't respect me & I feel that has greatly influenced my H (I cant say I respect them a whole lot because they don't have high morals;& Im not referring 2 making a mistake & repenting..but what theyre good with). My H also has recently started staying home from church & that's hard on me.
Some things I've recently begun doing is using earphones & relaxing as I listen to Affirmation meditation from youtube. I have also enjoyed looking up Options Institute on Google & listening to the videos they have posted. I would go to their seminar if I could!

[amy1982]

This is Sunday & once again I had to take the three girls to church..alone. It is very hard. People wonder whats up & what can I say? H said one time he didn't want to go bcause I talked to friends but I only did one time at the beginning of sitch when I was tore up that my H went from daily calls & contact to total silence for 5 wks (except 4 coming home on wkends) But I was used to daily calls & it was a real stretcher having him work away from home. So I don't know..I could blame myself but Im only learning & trying not to go crazy. When I got home from church he was just leaving...all dressed up in western clothes & boots..w/ the jet ski. seems weird to me.

[amy1982]

I am the type of person that has to talk to SOMEONE when Im upset & it doesn't work to talk to H right now. I have maintained a good R w/ my BIL & SIL (she knows the situation but realizes I was confused & hurting & still wants 2 be friends)
They are my main support right now. I don't know if this is causing problems but I don't know of a better option. Id split if I couldn't talk to anyone

[amy1982]

This morn my H & I talked. He says the reason he doesn't go 2 church is because of me..how he deals w/ my affair & texts I sent 6 mo ago when I was upset. He says he loves me as a mom of our children, Im a good housewife etc but he cant get back that in love feeling & his way of coping is staying away from the one who caused so much pain. He said that even in Hollywood an affair is pretty much a deal breaker & theres usually not reconciliation. In looking over my H life I see this is his normal response - if someone hurts me I stay away from them , move on & don't look back. I need encouragement.

[amy1982]

I feel a little upset that H doesn't even consider the pain betrayal & rejection I felt from his previous EAs. He knew I was in a lot of pain but I was wrong for reacting (they weren't having sex..whats the big deal??) plus I was told by dif ppl that he was into things I didn't even know about. When I asked about it I was wrong for not trusting but he was not interested in going 2gether 2 clear up the "misunderstanding".

[amy1982]

Thanks to all who viewed my posts. I am hoping some of the vets will stop by & give me advice & hope. Its so hard to hear over & over that I have done the unforgivable & H just cant be "in love " W/ me..Then I feel upset because earlier in our marriage I was in a lot of pain because he took videos of our sex life & showed a friend w/o my knowledge, he opened blinds so that friend could watch us have sex, he let that friend handle me at the same time H was, was buying gifts 4 another women etc. I want to tell him he was the one that broke me down but Im afraid that would come off as justifying myself.

[amy1982]

I want so badly just to talk to a kind fatherly guy (& wife) from our church & tell him what we're dealing w/. He & his wife have weathred a lot in their 35 yr marriage...they were even separated for a while but have a good marriage now. Is that a bad idea?