No more games- suckerpunch

[25yearsmlc]

Ya, I have admitted to myself a LONG time ago that I am scared....that's not a new thing.

As far as GAL and moving forward with my life, I am just at a roadblock. First and foremost, I need to work at my business. I have been catching a LOT of flack for not being as involved as I should be lately, and it is starting to hurt the daily function.

If you need to suck it up at work, do so.

But that is NOT GAL, which I assume you know


My brother and sister have REALLY been picking up the slack. I have been writting off getting involved and making decisions to the fact that I am still upset about my collapsed marriage, and I need to just focus on myself right now. I also realize I have been using that mentality as a crutch for self pity a little as well. I have been selfish in that regard. I need to get back in the game, so to say. The catcher is, once I jump back in and fill my position, my time will be spoken for. We typically go long days, 7 days a week during our season. It doesn't leave much time for self. That has been one of wifes gripes over the years. However, our season only last about 2-3 months....

some good insights. And the one advantage of your w being gone, is that the schedule no longer matters. Accept the upside, however small, that the situation provides. It's part of beginning to look at things better and not always seeing the glass half empty.

To me that is your underlying block to happiness and being as loving as you can be....or at least one big part of it.

I have a good group of friends coming down this weekend. It should be fun, campfires, socializing, bike rides, that sort of thing. However, it is my same old group of friends. I can't help it. I love them and like spending time together, so that makes it even harder for me to branch out and meet new people.

So you think it'd be easier to meet new people if you hated your friends? Stop acting as if having good friends prevents you or hinders you in any way. It's a GIFT!

So Take a class or join something, a club, an organization or even a church or team, WITH one of those friends. Surely one of them is interested in learning or doing something new?

You don't have to go solo. In fact, I'd argue that 90% of GAL ought NOT to be solo.

And here is the thing I struggle with, I already have a great network of friends. I mean everybody can use a new friend, but isn't "moving on" really about meeting new romantic interests?

NO...NO...NO....it's NOT! Goodness gracious no it's not.

LATER on down the road it MIGHT be but it is NOT in the "definition". It means GAL and moving forward in your life with the expecations that your wife won't be in it (outside of parenting) and yet you are happy.

Does that REQUIRE you to be with OW? Interesting...I mean, why can't you be happy for some amount of time, without a woman on your arm?

What's that about?


I mean I meet new people constantly in my line of work, some I connect with others I don't. It is usually very very casual aquintances. That fills a space, but is that what is considered "moving on", just filling my time with new couples or new buddies, or is it really about meeting a new woman?

Neither...didn't I post to you about the GAL things I did? I'm pretty sure I did but you blew it off. Not "just filling my time" OR "meeting a new woman"....wow that is pathetic.

GAL is something you do NOT understand yet SP...truly you must get this concept or DBing will elude you forever.

I GAL the heck out of life...and I maintain some of the things I began then.

I Joined a writer's group, (first time) I auditioned for community theater and the university's theater shows and I soon got roles and that introduced me to fun NEW people. I did stand up comedy,(very therapeutic and FUN) And I get paid to do it now. Not full time or ready to stop my day job, but it feels great and it pays great (by the minute that is...but it's not like you are doing it 40 hours a week).

and I took classes including a pottery class, (very weird but good for me) a Foreign language class and a cooking class. Mostly interesting and always met new people and made at least one new hanging out person who did NOT know my sitch. So relaxing.

I learned to cross country ski, target shoot, deep sea fish, and hunt.

I volunteered at a women's shelter and definitely felt more grateful for MY life.

I coached two girl's teams, I edited a hunting book (really different for me) and I did this for stimulation in a new way AND so I could have some serious fun.

When I joined the Officer's Wives club (first time in 17 years of active duty, plus I myself had been in the service so it always seemed boring to me to join, but I had never gone)...AND there, in Alaska, I made two new, life long friends who saved my sanity...

I worked out and used a tanning booth in the winter, saw a T, looked good if I say so myself.. I found a great church I got A LOT of spiritual help from.

There's more that I did that I am now forgetting but this was about meeting new people and doing/learning new things, improving as a person, being more well rounded, taking up new hobbies and projects...NOT DATING or seeking out OMs... Can you see how different that was?

It was about me being on my own WITHOUT needing my h OR any man in my life, to feel good about myself.

It was about me being really happy with my new/old friends and doing new things, and seeing myself in new ways.

Your old friends know the old you.

Meet some new people with the idea of learning new behaviors and new ways of thinking and seeing things. Meet positive happy centered folks...

Get off the "when do I get a WOMAN?!!" theme.

Honestly SP, it's really needy sounding, and you are nowhere near ready for a mature R at this point. NO OFFENSE, okay?

but, isn't that obvious to you?



I have friends telling me contantly, that I need to start dating.


Really? "Constantly telling you to date"? How odd...a guy not yet divorced and wishing he could reconcile with his wife and start over,

"needs" to start dating...good grief, are these guys all in their twenties? Do they have children?

Are These are the same friends who know the old SP? So that's what they expect from that guy...

WE here, want to encourage you to be the new best YOU that you can be....
and you have real work to do before you can be in a healthy r.

You need to GAL to learn about you. B/C there are behavioral patterns you engage in which PREVENT and hinder your happiness, your attitude towards life and how you treat the woman in your life.

So no, you do NOT NEED to start dating anytime soon. As a woman, I have to say that

none of us would talk like that at this stage...we all "get" that we need to be on our own, "alone" with our family and friends, old AND NEW and discover what and who we want to become.

WE DIG DEEP and you just can't do that while you are on the prowl...I think that's why women seem to heal faster. Most of them sound genuinely happier a few years after their divorce and so do a lot of men...but I think I read some empirical data that says women LBSers tend to reach out more and delay dating
until they have become the best people they can become,
and they seem happier over all, than men who were the LBSers.

No offfense but I think those friends of yours are EITHER not very mature

OR they oversimplify what it'll take for you to be happy again.

They don't want to see you in pain so they suggest you "get back on the horse again!"

Div Remedy discusses this phenomenon a lot. You have to ignore that "Constant" advice. Seriously.

Perhaps you are talking about your w or being lonely so much they don't know what else to say?

Stop the negative thinking and maybe they won't keep harping on it. Just a thought.




To be honest, I am not totally against that. I just don't have a clue in the world who I would date, or if I am even well enough to start looking for that.


Want to guess what I believe??

Perhaps it would help my healing. I don't know.

SIGH...I DON'T SEE HOW it could possibly help you "heal" unless you think you'll suddenly meet MRS RIGHT

in which case, since you are not really truly the new man you want to be, won't you just be here again, with w#2?

I cannot see it "healing" you when you are not ready to have a healthy R, and you are not.

it would be using an OW, imo, and it would not benefit you much. You'll compare her to W and you will STOP the work you are doing on yourself (work I hope you are doing). You will think "no need to now, I have NEW Woman in my life...all is perfect now..."

but it won't be, will it? You will still have your "glass is half empty" problem, and the "like to be right" and the rest of the stuff that got you here.

I would imagine you'd find flaws with the new woman within 6 months...flaws you would share with her...

sorry man but no you are not ready. Ask me in a year. Yeah, a year.

My sister waited a full year FROM the day of the divorce...and the guy who had asked her out "too early" waited til the exact day it had been a year (she had said "call me in a year and we'll see, b/c I am trying to heal"...)

and he did call her on that very day. They've been happily married now 11 years.


.....I am still just spinning on where I am headed, frusturated, scared, still confused about marriage collapsing, just not happy about much.

well aside from how FUN you sound...dating seems to be the last thing you ought to be doing buddy

Perhaps it is my negative mindset, but I am trying to fill every moment with things that are positive as I can be, but still....ugh!

Filling your life with positives is GOOD....Keep doing that. And hang with positive people too. Study them, emulate them in your own individual way.