Quote: Dazed Boy, I'll say this here for you too (before I head down your way): The MOST tough part of this process is the fact that most of the time, it's "all about" our spouses and very little of it can be "about me".
Somehow in my tunnel vision I missed this portion of the discussion…
Yes, it does seem like it is all about them. The walk away spouse just really has it all. We’re bending over backwards trying to get them to see our changes and change along with us. We’re taking on more responsibilities because they walked off and left the responsibilities behind them. We’re busting our butts to make this damn thing work in a way that THEY can live with, and without much help or feedback in return. Yep, damn frustrating.
BUT…I think that this perception is our own. I know personally, I have been guilty of accusing Sting of living the life of Reilly while I run around like a crazy person trying to keep everything together. After all, you don’t see HIM trying to find 350 bucks for extended Gymboree music classes, do you? Or last night, when S was up about a zillion times…where was Sting? Sound asleep in his bed, far away from the turmoil happening in our house. And the clincher…we can’t attack them for it. In the past when he pissed me off at least had the outlet of screaming and ranting and fish-eating. And now? I just have to smile and deal with it.
I’m posting all this because of a very important message I received from A just this weekend. I was standing there, Saturday afternoon, rehashing to her all the reasons that Sting had pissed me off, and the ways the sitch pissed me off and just one of those rip-him-another-one venting sessions. She says…
“Pick a day, any day and get over it.”
Harsh, huh? Not really. She gave me a pretty decent formula to work from. Anything that you do for your LBS, do twice for yourself. I’m sure I’m getting a lot of “huh’s” right about now because that is exactly what I said to her. HUH?
So, here are A’s rules for DB Resentment:
If you are changing for anyone but yourself, don’t bother with the change.
If you ARE changing for yourself, there won’t be a price tag attached for someone else to pay.
If you feel that you can’t handle all that is on your plate, clear some off into the garbage disposal.
If there is something that you truly cannot handle (CANNOT, not not-willing!), get help.
If the WAS does not help you, find someone that will. Friends, family, baby-sitter, etc.
If you feel resentment for the WAS, you’re doing too much for them and not enough for you.
If you always prepare for a life completely on your own, you’ll rarely wind up disappointed.
If you quit assigning obligations to others, you won’t be resentful when they don’t follow through
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
