Tomorrow is Father's Day and that's stirring things up a bit for me. In the past I always acknowledged the day with a new framed photo of the boys for H's office (he loved that) and made plans for time together as a family. Does H even remember those days? This will be the second Father's Day since he left. Does he care? I care a lot. Over the last few weeks I've had moments when my heart is fully open and my mind isn't sabotaging the love I feel. I have had thoughts of sending H a card with pictures and an encouraging note. I couldn't bring myself to do it since anything I do that is sentimental and expresses feelings could be viewed as manipulative. I don't believe H's in a place where he can accept my words as a true expression of my heart.
Something H said a year ago haunts me still. He said "The day I left I decided I would never put the boys first again. I did that for years and I was unhappy." When I brought it up days later he vehemently denied saying that. I know he did, but won't bring it up again.
I do believe H loves the boys. I believe he misses them. He doesn't seem to know how to take steps to start repairing the damage. His rhetorical question to my attorney asking "How can things get any worse" says to me that he doesn't believe there is anything he can do to make things better. He is not an optimistic person. He doesn't believe people or situations change. That's why he leaves. He doesn't see the actions and commitment that are necessary to create change. IDK, maybe I'm assuming too much. This is what I've concluded based on his words and actions, or lack thereof, over the years.
Anyway, tomorrow will be sad for my boys. We will spend it with my parents, but it will still be hard for them. They want their Dad to come back full of love for them. Instead, he continues to threaten their security while chasing a fantasy.
