Mer is absolutely right. I'm not whacking you today... as I've said earlier, I try not to hit people when they're already down. It goes against my grain. And you ARE down.
I'm going to go with Meredith and ask you to identify those behaviors that she discussed.
When I first read your e-mail (which I got before your post), my heart did a few leaps. However, I have to tell you that I became more concerned that there has not been enough time devoted to making those resentments disappear.
Myrrh, this takes quite awhile and a lot of hard work.
I know how discouraging it can be to not get immediate results... for that, you're in good company.
Dazed Boy, I'll say this here for you too (before I head down your way): The MOST tough part of this process is the fact that most of the time, it's "all about" our spouses and very little of it can be "about me".
You know that I'm right there in line with all of you on that one--I get as sick as you do of letting this be "about him" 99% of the time. When I'm PMSing or exhausted, my resentments surface. I'll have you know the former will probably apply to me in the very near future (as in any moment), so look for any negative signs.
Myrrh, I am advocating devoting the next couple months initiating diaglogues where you can address your hurts and resentments--using the techniques. Not only will you get your answers, you may be enligtened as to reasons for behaviors which your H does and how intertwined they are.
Take a deep breath.
I know you love him, Myrrh. Right now, that love is a little bit cluttered with hurt and resentment. It's time to deal with the monster that keeps coming back to bite both of you.
Hugs!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Sadly Myrrh, I'm not real good for much but the demented seal clapping. I can also tell you that I can relate to the PMS issue. It seems to get worse the older I get
Quote: Dazed Boy, I'll say this here for you too (before I head down your way): The MOST tough part of this process is the fact that most of the time, it's "all about" our spouses and very little of it can be "about me".
Somehow in my tunnel vision I missed this portion of the discussion…
Yes, it does seem like it is all about them. The walk away spouse just really has it all. We’re bending over backwards trying to get them to see our changes and change along with us. We’re taking on more responsibilities because they walked off and left the responsibilities behind them. We’re busting our butts to make this damn thing work in a way that THEY can live with, and without much help or feedback in return. Yep, damn frustrating.
BUT…I think that this perception is our own. I know personally, I have been guilty of accusing Sting of living the life of Reilly while I run around like a crazy person trying to keep everything together. After all, you don’t see HIM trying to find 350 bucks for extended Gymboree music classes, do you? Or last night, when S was up about a zillion times…where was Sting? Sound asleep in his bed, far away from the turmoil happening in our house. And the clincher…we can’t attack them for it. In the past when he pissed me off at least had the outlet of screaming and ranting and fish-eating. And now? I just have to smile and deal with it.
I’m posting all this because of a very important message I received from A just this weekend. I was standing there, Saturday afternoon, rehashing to her all the reasons that Sting had pissed me off, and the ways the sitch pissed me off and just one of those rip-him-another-one venting sessions. She says…
“Pick a day, any day and get over it.”
Harsh, huh? Not really. She gave me a pretty decent formula to work from. Anything that you do for your LBS, do twice for yourself. I’m sure I’m getting a lot of “huh’s” right about now because that is exactly what I said to her. HUH?
So, here are A’s rules for DB Resentment:
If you are changing for anyone but yourself, don’t bother with the change.
If you ARE changing for yourself, there won’t be a price tag attached for someone else to pay.
If you feel that you can’t handle all that is on your plate, clear some off into the garbage disposal.
If there is something that you truly cannot handle (CANNOT, not not-willing!), get help.
If the WAS does not help you, find someone that will. Friends, family, baby-sitter, etc.
If you feel resentment for the WAS, you’re doing too much for them and not enough for you.
If you always prepare for a life completely on your own, you’ll rarely wind up disappointed.
If you quit assigning obligations to others, you won’t be resentful when they don’t follow through
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Mer--AMAZING feedback from A. Give her a hug for me!
Here's my 2 cents worth:
There is one BIG thing that we've neglected to mention in the forum about the WAS getting the best of both worlds.
The fact is it is not true.
The WAS is carrying around luggage that contains a different set of difficulties than ours, and it would do well to find compassion instead of judgement.
The biggest weight in that luggage is guilt, which is probably not among the top 5 of our own baggage...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I know personally, I have been guilty of accusing Sting of living the life of Reilly while I run around like a crazy person trying to keep everything together. After all, you don’t see HIM trying to find 350 bucks for extended Gymboree music classes, do you? Or last night, when S was up about a zillion times…where was Sting? Sound asleep in his bed, far away from the turmoil happening in our house. And the clincher…we can’t attack them for it. In the past when he pissed me off at least had the outlet of screaming and ranting and fish-eating. And now? I just have to smile and deal with it.
You're right. Everything you wrote in that paragraph is exactly how I feel.
I was standing there, Saturday afternoon, rehashing to her all the reasons that Sting had pissed me off, and the ways the sitch pissed me off and just one of those rip-him-another-one venting sessions. She says…
“Pick a day, any day and get over it.”
Gee, can we get this put on a plaque?
Harsh, huh? Not really. She gave me a pretty decent formula to work from. Anything that you do for your LBS, do twice for yourself. I’m sure I’m getting a lot of “huh’s” right about now because that is exactly what I said to her. HUH?
So, here are A’s rules for DB Resentment:
If you are changing for anyone but yourself, don’t bother with the change.
If you ARE changing for yourself, there won’t be a price tag attached for someone else to pay.
If you feel that you can’t handle all that is on your plate, clear some off into the garbage disposal.
If there is something that you truly cannot handle (CANNOT, not not-willing!), get help.
If the WAS does not help you, find someone that will. Friends, family, baby-sitter, etc.
If you feel resentment for the WAS, you’re doing too much for them and not enough for you.
If you always prepare for a life completely on your own, you’ll rarely wind up disappointed.
If you quit assigning obligations to others, you won’t be resentful when they don’t follow through
Where the heck did A come from, the top of the guru mountain? Where the heck did she learn all this stuff? Mer, this post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. The really crappy stuff started when I quit focusing on myself - setting goals for myself, doing what needed to be done each day. For whatever reason, he is just not at a point where he is able to share the responsibilities that I (emphasis on I ) feel we should be sharing.
Here is what I have to do tonight: 1) Go get bunches of OTC items for S: soft kleenexes, kid's Dimetapp, dye-free Motrin, etc. 2) Figure out if we really need some laundry done bad enough to put S through having to go to the laundromat (we are kind of saving up for a new washer and dryer now). I think we at least need sheets and towels done in case S starts throwing up again. 3) Decide if I want to go to my office and pick up work or just concentrate on home right now. 4) Pick up enough that the mess is not making me distracted and irritable. 5) Go to bed EARLY so I am not a shrew tomorrow morning. 6) Be gracefully together when H comes home (if a little drowsy). Try to stay away from contacting him a bunch tonight, mostly for my own sanity. I love him, and I do very much want to learn how to be peacefully marriedto him - I love being his wife when things are peaceful, and I think I know how to make them that way! Thank you, thank you, Mer and Bets (and Guru A!) for the insight. It was ABSOLUTELY dead-on. HUGE HUGS and thank you for not letting me slink away defeated, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
The rules are DEAD on. Words for us all to live by. Yes, we believe the WAS is living the "new" life and by God, they are. New apartment, new furniture, not expected to be "home", can come and go as they please, do not have 3 children and a house to take care of full time. Sorry, but right now, in my opinion, the WAW has the easy part. Maybe, maybe at some point the guilt, selfishness, sadness creeps up on her, but right now, I'm not seeing it.
"Yes, it does seem like it is all about them. The walk away spouse just really has it all. We’re bending over backwards trying to get them to see our changes and change along with us. We’re taking on more responsibilities because they walked off and left the responsibilities behind them. We’re busting our butts to make this damn thing work in a way that THEY can live with, and without much help or feedback in return. Yep, damn frustrating."
This sums it up. But we will be better people and if they want to be part of our lives, then at some point, we can talk about it. Because I know I need to make permanent changes and I contributed to the collapse of the M, but so did the WAS.
Hang in there. We all need each other right now; we are the strongest, most supportive family we have.
