Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[mamabird]

Hey guys. I have been thinking about you and this board lately. I really don't have as much time as I used to and I miss it!

I guess my last post was around 2 months ago. I'd say that things haven't really improved since then; in fact, they have probably gotten worse. I see my H sinking back into a lot of his old patterns - a lot of the blaming and not being able to see things as they are, even when we have neutral third parties involved. Our MC says all the time that he sees I'm trying and that H needs to give me the benefit of the doubt.

H and I did a 30-day "cleanse" together in the month of May. It was hard but I'm glad we did it together. We both needed a little bit of a reset in the eating habits department. We started exercising more too. He bought me a bike for Mother's Day which was a great gift. I'm embarrassed to say I wasn't able to reciprocate so generously for Father's Day.

I started a new job about a month ago which is going great. Early hours mean I can make dinner and be home with the boys in the evenings, and it's very close to home so that helps too. Full time though, so I still have less time for everything, but on the flip side, the extra money helps. We were also able to refinance our house (finally) so we are knocking out a lot of the credit card debt that was weighing on me like an anchor. These are all really positive things.

Still though, I am not feeling 100% about the M right now. For those of you who have been following me for a long time, H has a habit of "having the last word." By this I mean he ups the ante to a point where I have no choice but to fold. My IC says he goes right to the end of an argument with no middle. For instance, we had an argument about having the TV on in the morning. He doesn't like it, I do. He got so offended that I would dare to turn the TV on that the argument ended with "This (the M) just isn't working." It is ironic that H has no idea how to argue, because he almost went to law school to become a lawyer. MC says he does not fight fair.

When H makes that play, I've noticed that I completely retreat. In the old days, this is exactly when I would have called OM1 for lunch. When H does that it makes me feel so unstable - as if he can and will pull the plug at his whim. I end up having a very self-protective visceral reaction so I'm trying not to act on it in a negative way. When this happened last time - when he said, "This isn't working," I really stood up and told him he couldn't say that anymore. We had some other dumb argument a day or 2 later and that time I literally screamed at him for 15 minutes because I was so utterly frustrated (ending with, "Make up your GD mind"). He is still playing the "you cheated on me and I'm not over it" card, but only when it is convenient to his argument or when he's not getting his way. Other times he seems perfectly fine.

I will say that this past weekend was the one year anniversary of our bomb. It wasn't mentioned, but I wonder if he realized that? He's been doing a lot of "I love you, I love you not" lately, and it makes me a little nutty. A lot nutty. It's maddening actually.

I've also noticed a pattern where H digs his heels in real deep (about whatever topic is at hand), we end up fighting, then he goes away on a business trip or even to the grocery store, and has a change of heart the second he gets into the car. This also is pretty frustrating, especially when H has made a big deal about me not owning my sh!t. We have discussed it extensively in MC. I have heard it here on this board. I need to get better at that, but it doesn't mean that he's allowed to live in denial.

I'm also still not feeling attractive to him. He says that he is attracted to me but he doesn't usually behave as if he feels that way. This is also a big part of the OM thing for me. Sort of the rush of having someone "like" you that way. I am paying particularly close attention to this so that I do not fall into the OM trap again with the cute bald guy with the beautiful eyes and long eyelashes at my office. I have to consciously fight against this every day so I don't repeat my mistakes.

H is in FL this weekend attending a family event and I gave him the Gottman book to read. I don't know if he's read any of it, but I hope he does. When we go to MC, H claims to understand his patterns and contribution to our mess, but I don't see him changing his patterns. H says he "gets triggered" and loses his cool but he does this with such frequency that MC told H he was going to call H's IC to make sure this gets addressed. H can be very, very destructive with these angry outbursts - and even just his scornful reproachful looks do not have a place in a M.

So, all in all... I still have a lot of the doubts that I had back in January when H agreed to start reconciliation. Certainly we have made a lot of progress but I don't know that the fundamental issues are being addressed. H is telling me that I somehow need to be different but I'm having a hard time understanding what it is he wants. He has trouble putting his wants and needs into words so it's difficult for me to make the changes he wants, because I don't know what they are.