Where can I get a damnit chicken??????? I swear to goodness I haven't had such a good laugh in awhile... the mere visual is well worth procuring one for myself.
For all who are interested, I shared that technique with Myrrh when she enlightened me on the nuts and bolts of how they argue.
When she had a problem, her emotions got the better of her, and she attacked her H verbally. In turn, her H wouldn't finish the convo or would start fighting back. He accused her of not really listening.
That technique is the PERFECT answer to her H's accusation. It's really tough (if not impossible) to really listen to someone when you're either preparing your defense or your next offensive move.
The situation becomes unmanageable and then both parties are overwhelmed and have gone nowhere.
For the record, Myrrh promised to use the techniques by following the rules: to be calm.
We then discussed the idea of having a timeframe one day per week to address things with her H. This would signal to him that it was time to clear the air and he would only have to endure conflict once a week. It would also give Myrrh some cooling off time and time to construct some questions about a topic that has her feeling resentment.
Cuz Myrrh told me that she really wants to dump the resentment she feels toward her H.
This is how we came to this sort of idea sharing.
She's easy to work with!
Hugs,
Bets
p.s. Myrrh, how long will you be there for a chat?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I am going to post my own away message. I left work earlier because I couldn't stop throwing up (sorry, tmi, I know) and my S is also kinda pukey as well. So, hopefully I will be back up and running tomorrow - send (gentle) hugs and good thoughts my way, please!
Til Later, Myrrh
P.S. Bets - sorry, I left work rather suddenly, and I was kind of upset about an experience I had with my boos (not related to me being sick). I'll fill you in by e-mail later!
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I sure hope that you are feeling better today. I can endure any type of normal illness, EXCEPT the stomach stuff. Here's a couple of warm hugs knowing you are feeling bad.
I love the idea of that chicken. What a laugh. And I am continually amazed by you and those other venusians posting on your site, relaying communication techniques. Betsy's plan is so simple and clear, I look forward to using it.
Dazed, Thanks so much for the hugs! As for clear planning, I can't speak for the other ladies, but I've found that having specific goals and a plan for achieving them is the surest way for me to be successful in my dbing. It also helps (because I tend to be overwhelmed by emotion) to have the calm guidance of people more experienced at this than me (Betsey, Mer, PamC) and people who are at different points in their own journeys (CBH, Pattie). They all have wonderful things to teach me, and being a participant in this site has changed my life.
As for the chicken, it was just something that occured to me when I was really angry on the phone one night. Mine happens to be a rather durable plush pet (yeah, I know, but they are sturdier!) toy from the dollar store. His outside is terry cloth, so I can't pull out his fur, and his wings and beak are VERY firmly attached. I'm glad he amused you guys. Me finding myself abusing a stuffed chicken in the middle of a telephone convo is also meant to make me laugh at myself and find the humor in my sitch.
The funny thing about Betsey's communication plan is that, since I've had it, I haven't need it! I know that if I have a problem, my H and I have a lunch date Monday when I am allowed to address my concerns in the way that's outlined above. But strangely enough, I haven't felt that bad about what's going on between my H and I. The process of thinking about what questions I want to ask him has allowed me to reinterpret the sitches/behaviors I was having difficulty with, and view them in a more compassionate and tolerant way.
Of course, my husband is really NOT acting like an alien. One of the things I've found out through all my dbing is that he is a really caring and loving guy, if I let him be. He is very receptive to cheerleading (aka Bob), one of Michele's strategies crossed with a Mer and Betsey approach. One of the biggest problems in our M was the fact that all I ever did was rip him down. I didn't do that because I was just a mean or bad person; I did it because I didn't know how to be supportive and consistently loving (that's a product of my childhood). But I am learning, and the best part of this is, the farther I get on working on my own issues, the better I feel about myself, and the happier I am about my life in general.
Wow, I didn't mean for that to be so long, but the PMA is waaaaaaaaay up today in my little corner of the BB.
Hugs to all! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myrrh, Caught your post to Betsey. You can not give up!!! If he files, it is just a piece of paper. Yes it will hurt. You have been doing so great with your dbing lately. Please think of anything that happened today as if your H is back in his cave.
Please keep up the dbing. You were seeing results. They just are sooooo slooooooow. Come on, if I can do this, you, who have seen results can try.
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Hi, had to pull over in a rest stop coming back from sunny Florida to check on my favorite threads.....Couldn't wait a few hours to get home....
I popped over to Betsy's thread also and read your post. You have made such great strides in your DBing that I hope you will just allow this to pass by as another play in this game of getting back with our loved one. Who knows what he is being told by friends and his atty. My atty. would have already had me file and be going after sole custody of the kids. That's what makes them money.
Thank you, Dazed and Pattie, for being here. I am okay. It's kind of like World War 3 here right now - well, not right now. I do know that part of my EXTREME upset/discontent/irrationality is because of ...PMS. Yes, plain and simple PMS. Unfortunately, that doesn't take away the hurt feelings of my H. He just left - Ihe said he needed to think, so I hugged him and told him to go, that I would be here. I am afraid of what he will think of when he thinks - I haven't exactly been the model of loving kindness lately, but ...it's all I could do. I could have made him stay here - for some reason it seemed like he needed my permission to go, and needed to have me be okay with it. And for once, instead of just pushing on, I had to let him go.
Dammit - I don't know what's going to happen now. Part of the behavior (most os it) that gets on my nerves is, I really think, symptoms of adult ADD that has never been dealt with. But I can't change him, I can only change me. Boy, Betsey is going to whack me with the 2x4 from hell when she reads all this on Monday. I feel like such a weenie. I don't know if this can be fixed. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Maybe it should be a 1x4 this time. Look at the great steps you took just knowing his need and allowing hubby to leave and to give him space. We martians HAVE to go into the cave to think and regroup. Having you show support that you understand this is necessary is such a positive! Each time you can do this will make the stay in the cave shorter.
Don't be afraid of 'what he thinks when he thinks.' The thing he will remember most is that hug and accepting send-off you gave him. Great job there.
Focus and know that the steps you have made are working. I will check back soon.....
1. You’re not a weenie 2. Anything can be fixed with the right tools 3. Only the dead cannot change
Okay Ms. Oscar Meyer…
The devil is in the details, perhaps. But, here it is the only thing that will be able to help us uncover what the problems are.
His ADD bullcrap…what behaviors are he exhibiting that you’re having trouble dealing with? Let’s list them out and see what we can identify as ADD, what can be labeled as PA and then what we’ll do with the rest.
And as for you…what behaviors do PMS bring out in you? Do you think that your behaviors bring on his? Let’s explore the down and dirty details…well, not THAT dirty…but you know what I mean.
Something tells me that Betsey won’t 2x4 you – and if she does it won’t be very painful. We’ve all been there, guilty of thinking the worst and acting on it. As I tell S, pick yourself up, shake it off and keep going!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I swear to goodness I haven't had such a good laugh in awhile... the mere visual is well worth procuring one for myself.
