Looking to keep hope alive

[ALF213]

I think you did the right thing. After all, why should YOU be the one to leave when you don't want all this? Maybe she'll secretly gain a little respect for you because of it.

Thanks for the support, JRG. She's not very happy about this as expected. She thinks someone influenced this "change of heart" as she calls it, which is not true. I came to this decision on my own.

You have to stop reacting to "seeing her hurt". She's not a kid you're protecting. She has to live her live and make her choices, and you don't have to like all of them and you don't get to protect her from feeling any of her feelings. She is wanting to be separate from you, so it's understandable if she communicates to you that she's frustrated or sad or mad about your decision to stay. You could validate that if she seeks you out to communicate that to you.

Thanks for stopping by, adinva. You are right I have to stop protecting her. For a while, I put a lot of blame on myself for ending up her. As a result, I felt sadness for the position she was in and I tried to do what was best for her, not myself. Which leads me to you next point...

You have your own hurt to deal with, don't take responsibility for hers too. Respect that this is probably hard and painful for her too. There was probably a long road that led to here or she wouldn't be making the decisions she's making. I think the goal is to feel empathy and compassion, but not responsibility, for her feelings.

I became only worried about her feelings and not my own. I do feel empathy and compassion with what she is going through, but I also felt responsible as well. I'm trying to separate them.

[ALF213]

I need more advice/help. So here is the conversation via text this this morning. I don't think I handled it that great. She is opening up more and I'm still trying to learn how to validate.

W: "I feel I have been acting as normal as possible in front of the kids...so forgive me since I'm not at the moment. Its hard when YOU keep playing mind games for so long, which has been normal unfortunately fort he past 7 months. When I told you I was afraid you would start reverting back to your "normal" behavior" (acting angry...mean etc) I was correct in how I felt. You try to speak to me in soothing tones to make it appear that you are not mad...I can see right through it. I can only guess who advised you on your latest change of heart. For so long you questioned the company I keep. I advise you to look at the company you keep."

Me: "I understand why you feel that way. The last 7 months have been hard for me and I've been finding my way through it. I'm working to become a better me. I am not mad or angry and I'm sorry it comes off that way."

W: "I don't think you understand. Its a line you have been saying frequently to convince me? Yourself? Idk. My downfall it seems I still want to believe you, believe in you so badly...but then you keep pulling the usual stunts I am used to. Jokes on me I guess."

Me: "I might not understand. I am really trying to understand how you are feeling because I care very much for you. I have pulled stunts in the past and I could see why it appears I still am. I am working through this and its very hard and confusing at times. I may not understand everything that you are feeling, but I want to."

A few things. When she refers to me being "mean", its in reference to when she talks about how she wants a divorce. I am a friendly outgoing person, so when I am not so talkative after divorce talk, she calls that being mean. I am short on words and not my "normal" cheerful self.

W saying she wants to believe in me is new and kind of surprising. She has not communicated that to me in months. She has made it very clear verbally that she doesn't want to be married to me.

As for stunts, since BD she feels I am always up to something. For the first few months we were working on our M, I was doing everything I could to save it (albeit not the correct way since reading DB and DR). So now everything I do she thinks has an agenda, but thats not the case anymore. I am really improving myself for me and my kids.

During our brief talk last night when I let her know I would not be leaving the house, she again mentioned how hard it is to be around me. She has said this a few times, so I asked her why. She said its because all of the changes. The fixing up the house and yard, getting into better shape, dressing better, the new job...it frustrates her that I'm doing it all now. I told her I understand why it would be frustrating to her that I waited until now. That I had a choice to make. Continue being who I had become lately, or improve myself. I chose to improve myself.

So let me have it. Brutal honesty is welcomed.

[makingmagic]

ALF... I have not been following, but have just read your latest post. Sounds to me like you are DB'ing perfectly and truly understand how to validate. I am still learning. All I can manage is "I understand how you feel" or the occasional head nodding. I am going to take notes from your post above. Keep up the good work!

[chasingpavements]

Wow, great job Alf, you did great at answering her questions with honesty and giving brief and concise answers. She is sounding a bit skeptical, but you yourself know the reasons for your changes, and she will eventually come to realize that too, as long as you remain consistent in your actions. Keep up the changes, sounds like you are making great progress!

[ALF213]

Thanks wfm and H61. I appreciate the feedback.

So the drama continues today. My W has never really had a mother. I touched on this on pg 1. She considers a friend of her's who is about 20 years older as the closest thing she has had to a mother. My W called her this morning, and the friend called me afterward. I have had some discussions with her over the last few months, so I wasn't surprised by her call. She feels I'm doing whats best for me, and not whats best for the kids. She let me know my W feels the same. I let her know thats not the case, and I feel this is whats best. We agreed to disagree.

My concern is that she believes a D needs to happen, and she is a very opinionated person. She is so concerned about the fragile state of my W, that she feels the M is toxic for her. That I am the cause of her pain. Just like my W, she believes I don't think the D is coming. I told her I do, but I can't do it. My W needs to do it. This is her decision. She agreed and said she will help her take the necessary steps. My W has always counted on me to do the hard things. She even thought I would get the D moving forward. Now that she has help, I am assuming she will file now.

I'm trying to ignore the drama, but it is sticking with me today. Again, I am clearly not detached.

[ALF213]

W just called to inform me that she is filing for D next week. Its been a tough couple days. Trying to be strong.

[shouldistillhope]

Hey ALF,

Please do your best to stay strong. My W filed last month and my divorce will be final July 12. Just continue to be the best Dad you can be to your kids. This is the only thing that keeps me going most weeks is the fact that i am not going to be alone. We always have our kids, and we need to be strong in front of them no matter how scared and hurt you are felling right now.

Kids have an amazing way to bring a smile to your face when you are feeling your lowest.

I don't necessarily feel like i am DB'ing anymore, but rather i am trying to let her go and let her make this journey on her own.

Take care of yourself and your kids and let her realize what she is missing out on by becoming the best person you can be.

[chasingpavements]

Alf, by working to be a better person, and taking care of yourself only makes you a better parent to your children, to think otherwise is ridiculous. Stay strong and hang in there!

[ALF213]

Thanks for the support everyone. It really means a lot. I don't like that her reaction has me second guessing my decision to stay in the home. She has never been this angry at me before. I feel like it shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is.

I think its the fear that things will get much worse before it gets better. I need some tough love.

[ALF213]

Any vets have advice for the best way to interact with her moving forward? We are still in the house together for at least a few more days. We still need to discuss how the separation will work. That's what I tried to talk to her last night. She left the house before it could be discussed further, saying she still needs to figure it out. She thought I would have more figured out. Again, she was expecting me to do the hard stuff like I always have.