Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

Last night went particularly well. We set a lunch date for Monday to talk about any concerns we might have, more specifically our mis-matched schedules. However, H was really good about coming home fairly early last night (surprised the heck out of me!) so we got to spend some "hang out" time together, in addition to our nightly snuggle and such.

Thanks to some wise counsel from Betsey, I've realized that I am really scared of being truly successful at this. In other words, my crazymaking kicks in to sabotage things just as they are looking really good.
I do this for two resons:
1) I am scared by how calm and peaceful things are when they are calm and peaceful.
2) I feel like I don't deserve to be happy or have a good marriage.

The latter one is a self-esteem issue I thought I had resolved, but here it is again! I need the success in self-control to bolster my self-esteem, it can only improve it, but when I sabotage it all the time...

So, tonight is a danger zone. I will probably be in prime crazymaking readiness, so I need to make sure I can recognize when I am doing/about to do that. I also bought a dammit chicken (ever heard of a damn-it doll?) that lives by the phone now - I can choke him, or punch him, or throw him at the wall during frustrating phone convos (my biggest problem) and no one ('cept the chicken) will mind. Plus that way I shouldn't break anything. I used the chicken a little bit last night, and he really helped.

Plus, I have a new plan (again, with Betsey's help) for dealing with issues that I REALLY have a problem with. It's a convo format she learned from her MC, and it is:
1) A topic is chosen and only ONE topic per convo is discussed.
2) One person asks questions, and only questions during the first half of the conversation. The other person only gives answers. The questioner asks until they feel they have gotten the answers they needed (or I guess you could do an agreed-upon time limit), and then signal the end of the first part by saying: [spouse's name here], is there anything else I need to know about this?
3) Then you switch roles. The S asks only questions, and you only give answers. The end is signalled by that same question, "Is there anything else I need to know about this?"

If more discussion is need, th ecouple agrees to have another convo about it, but only ONE topic per session. We haven't tried this yet, but we have a lunch date for Monday to try it - I will definitely let you guys know.

My goals for today:
1)Try not to throw up anymore - I ate what I think may have been bad Chinese food, and I am now paying for it in a big way!
2) Work on Flylady goals - but if i feel this bad when I get home from work, I am givin myself permission to be a couch potato until I feel better. Thanks goodness I picked up last night!
3) Work reallyreally hard on not eating fish tonight; I may be too sick to do anything more than issue occasional moans from the couch...
Hugs,
Myrrh