She went out and started buying clothes, tanning, spending a lot of time with friends, and just wasn't there for anyone else (ie kids, work, me).
Yep, that's how it was with me, and still is to a degree. The main change is that she spends more time with me now. We "date" by going out with just the two of us. A good sign for me was a month ago when on a Saturday afternoon she was playing a game with my youngest daughter. It's been months since she interacted like that with the kids. She hasn't done that again since.
Originally Posted By: Thumpered
Now after doing the 180 for the last 3 weeks, with a couple of minor slips, she says she's done going out, wants to stay home, tired of her friends, doesn't want to do anything. BUT, she says she wants the marriage to get back to normal, in a kind of reverse physcology kind of way, meaning NO effort at all. I've told her I can no longer live that way, I've made all these changes (GAL'n, gym, hanging with friends), and I need more in my marriage/relationship now. I'm tired of no communication, lack of sex, rug sweeping. I told her i'd rather be divorced than in a marriage by myself.
Same here again, except my W still goes out. Main difference is that sometimes if something is going on at home she will stay home.
When my W stopped talking about separation/divorce, and decided to stay in the marriage, she still says she doesn't really love me. She said she is "working her way back to me." It was her opinion that I should be happy because she didn't leave. Afterall, according to her, she hasn't really loved me in many years, yet I was happy. The only difference is that now I knew she doesn't love me.
and about the NO effort on your W's part. Same here. Her effort is that she didn't leave. In the DB book it says how one partner will be doing most of the work. I just sort of accept that.
What do I think? The problems in the marriage weren't insurmountable, in fact the 180's changed much for the better. It is not me, A MLC is an identity crisis. Her inner turmoil and unhappiness spills over into the relationship.
I try to remind myself that it is not just about me. She is struggling with many feelings/emotions.
Originally Posted By: Thumpered
These are probably wrong things to say, but I tried to let her know that marriage to me, because of the new me, needs to be healthy or not at all.
I said much of the same thing to my W. I said that I don't need her, and if she doesn't love me then I don't want to remain married to her. The thing is that you cannot expect your W to turn around so fast. This takes time and we must be patient. In my mind, I have milestones where I intend to reassess my marriage and my feelings toward my wife. I don't share this with her. For me it is a way to keep going, by having shorter-term milestones to think whether I can keep going and whether progress is being made, and whether I want to continue.
You might consider making some short-term goals and see how well you can progress. For example, sex once a week (if you have non now), her doing more clearning in the house, dinner once a week with just the two of you where you talk to each other.
