Ya, I have admitted to myself a LONG time ago that I am scared....that's not a new thing.
As far as GAL and moving forward with my life, I am just at a roadblock. First and foremost, I need to work at my business. I have been catching a LOT of flack for not being as involved as I should be lately, and it is starting to hurt the daily function. My brother and sister have REALLY been picking up the slack. I have been writting off getting involved and making decisions to the fact that I am still upset about my collapsed marriage, and I need to just focus on myself right now. I also realize I have been using that mentality as a crutch for self pity a little as well. I have been selfish in that regard. I need to get back in the game, so to say. The catcher is, once I jump back in and fill my position, my time will be spoken for. We typically go long days, 7 days a week during our season. It doesn't leave much time for self. That has been one of wifes gripes over the years. However, our season only last about 2-3 months....
I have a good group of friends coming down this weekend. It should be fun, campfires, socializing, bike rides, that sort of thing. However, it is my same old group of friends. I can't help it. I love them and like spending time together, so that makes it even harder for me to branch out and meet new people. And here is the thing I struggle with, I already have a great network of friends. I mean everybody can use a new friend, but isn't "moving on" really about meeting new romantic interests? I mean I meet new people constantly in my line of work, some I connect with others I don't. It is usually very very casual aquintances. That fills a space, but is that what is considered "moving on", just filling my time with new couples or new buddies, or is it really about meeting a new woman? I have friends telling me contantly, that I need to start dating. To be honest, I am not totally against that. I just don't have a clue in the world who I would date, or if I am even well enough to start looking for that. Perhaps it would help my healing. I don't know......I am still just spinning on where I am headed, frusturated, scared, still confused about marriage collapsing, just not happy about much. Perhaps it is my negative mindset, but I am trying to fill every moment with things that are positive as I can be, but still....ugh!
