Looking to keep hope alive

[ALF213]

I need more advice/help. So here is the conversation via text this this morning. I don't think I handled it that great. She is opening up more and I'm still trying to learn how to validate.

W: "I feel I have been acting as normal as possible in front of the kids...so forgive me since I'm not at the moment. Its hard when YOU keep playing mind games for so long, which has been normal unfortunately fort he past 7 months. When I told you I was afraid you would start reverting back to your "normal" behavior" (acting angry...mean etc) I was correct in how I felt. You try to speak to me in soothing tones to make it appear that you are not mad...I can see right through it. I can only guess who advised you on your latest change of heart. For so long you questioned the company I keep. I advise you to look at the company you keep."

Me: "I understand why you feel that way. The last 7 months have been hard for me and I've been finding my way through it. I'm working to become a better me. I am not mad or angry and I'm sorry it comes off that way."

W: "I don't think you understand. Its a line you have been saying frequently to convince me? Yourself? Idk. My downfall it seems I still want to believe you, believe in you so badly...but then you keep pulling the usual stunts I am used to. Jokes on me I guess."

Me: "I might not understand. I am really trying to understand how you are feeling because I care very much for you. I have pulled stunts in the past and I could see why it appears I still am. I am working through this and its very hard and confusing at times. I may not understand everything that you are feeling, but I want to."

A few things. When she refers to me being "mean", its in reference to when she talks about how she wants a divorce. I am a friendly outgoing person, so when I am not so talkative after divorce talk, she calls that being mean. I am short on words and not my "normal" cheerful self.

W saying she wants to believe in me is new and kind of surprising. She has not communicated that to me in months. She has made it very clear verbally that she doesn't want to be married to me.

As for stunts, since BD she feels I am always up to something. For the first few months we were working on our M, I was doing everything I could to save it (albeit not the correct way since reading DB and DR). So now everything I do she thinks has an agenda, but thats not the case anymore. I am really improving myself for me and my kids.

During our brief talk last night when I let her know I would not be leaving the house, she again mentioned how hard it is to be around me. She has said this a few times, so I asked her why. She said its because all of the changes. The fixing up the house and yard, getting into better shape, dressing better, the new job...it frustrates her that I'm doing it all now. I told her I understand why it would be frustrating to her that I waited until now. That I had a choice to make. Continue being who I had become lately, or improve myself. I chose to improve myself.

So let me have it. Brutal honesty is welcomed.