Husband has one foot out the door!

[chasingpavements]

You are right mizjjd.. either way I am going to be hurt. Right now I am hurting, and if he leaves I will be hurting. I kind of have the feeling that if he leaves, I will hurt and then at least be able to move on with my life.

In my situation, where he has no feelings for me and seems like he has no hope, how likely is it that he will come around, I am wondering. How likely is it that he will have a change of heart? If he is depressed, which is what I suspect, or having a MLC, then I can see that there would be hope if he eventually comes out of the depression, and comes to realize what is in front of him.

[chasingpavements]

You're doing good HWY. But, I sense you have an attitude of "waiting", and that can be dangerous. Sort of like you're holding your breath, or walking on eggshells, hoping this will make him stay. That's ok in the beginning, but what you want to work toward is becoming so whole and healthy that you feel ok whether he stays or not.

You are right on this as well! The reason I feel like I am waiting is because, for one thing, I was under the impression from him that he was going to let me know whether we will stay together or if he is leaving. However, I am usually the initiator of these types of discussions, and since I have not pressed the subject, he has not brought it up either.

The other reason I feel I am waiting is because I feel he is hurrying to finish renovating our basement in order to sell it in the fall. Right now I am a stay at home mother to our children, and will be watching them full time over the summer. In the fall, I will most likely return to my old, full time office job. I feel that most likely he is biding his time in the house until things are settled in the fall, and then will be leaving. Hence, me thinking I am waiting until the fall.

You are definitely right that I should get out of that mindset. Even if my fears are true about that, there is still time while he is living in the house, for my 180s to start working. And, you are also right, that I should be doing those 180s for my own self.

And truthfully, the GAL'ing is doing wonders for me, I feel like a new person, and wondering why I didn't do these things sooner! I feel like in the past I was holding back on trying new things, and why should I? I have even been interacting more with people out in public, and in the neighborhood, and now I am wondering why I didn't do that before?

[labug]

I've been reading your thread off and on and just want to say, you're doing a lot of mind-reading and fortune telling. Operate on facts, your H is still in the house. He is currently living with you. You have no idea what will happen in the fall, you don't know what will happen tomorrow. Live today.

Cadet usually gives people the "gift of time" message. Did you get it? Are you using that gift? What were your H's complaints when he dropped the bomb? What do you want to change about yourself? What are you doing to enhance your inner growth? That's how you use the gift of time, you squander it by being constantly worried about your H's next step.

What is the worst thing you imagine happening in this scenario? Face your fear and follow it. Came back here and tell us about that.

[chasingpavements]

Here's the complaints my husband had when he dropped the bomb, (and afterwards) and here is what I am doing about it currently:
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~too dependant: I have been trying to solve problems on my own more, trying to fix it instead of asking him, running more errands myself instead of asking him to, for example, getting groceries
~don't like driving: have been driving more often and running errands
~feels I don't trust him: haven't been asking about his whereabouts or any questions like that
~feels I am too stressed about work & kids: when he gets home if I am stressed I am trying to stay positive and focus on the good parts of the day rather than mentioning to him if the kids acted out, and also mentioning to him the positive things/cute things the kids did during the day. I am also trying to stop the nagging him to do things around the house, and asking in a nicer tone if I need help with the children.
~feels he doesn't get enough time to work in basement: trying to give him more space and time to work in the basement

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I have also been sticking to sandi's rules, and I have stuck with my 180's that I mentioned earlier on in this thread.

So far the results have been positive so I am going to keep at it!

If anyone else has any suggestions please let me know!
thanks!

[lovethehub]

Highway, your story sounds similar to what I am going through now although our before BD histories are different.

The hardest thing to grasp and put into practice is that you aren't making these changes to bring them back, at least not solely. We start out there, but you need to start making the changes about you, not about whether he is going to stay. (Fall is a long way off in DBland so anything can happen if you stay on the right path).

I found that keeping a journal has been very helpful. I write what I am feeling, what I would like to say to him if I were talking about our M, the realizations I have had that make me understand why he feels the way he does and my goals.

I go to my journal, or this website, when I want to talk to him. I have learned to bite my tongue and, in doing so, I have adopted a completely different perspective on H and our M in the last few months. My two closest friends are shocked at the difference in me when we talk about my M and they can see how I am handling everything differently. And believe me, they have heard a LOT over the last 4 years.

Get excited about learning more about yourself and growing as a person. Even though you want H back, make the changes for you or they will not last if you R. He will also see through it if it is a ploy to get him back.

You are arousing his curiosity. I did it, too. Pulling back was so hard. In conversation, I acted like I always did and was happy and engaged. However, I stopped reaching out to him, initiating those conversations, etc.

It sounds like you are giving him his space, now you need to dig deep and prepare for this to take a while. Yes, you will have up and down days but we will be here for you.

[chasingpavements]

Thanks lovethehub and labug! You are right about the gift of time. I do have time on my side. I think he is feeling defeated right now. And I also like the journal idea. I do have some ideas written down, but I think that journalling would be a good idea. And I will keep posting on here as well.

He has mentioned that he feels that he cannot be here for me the way I need him to be. He says that I need certain things and he is just not able to offer it. For example, when we were in counselling we both read the LL book. I mentioned to him some things I felt I needed in order to feel loved (kissing, hugging, small, cheap gifts once in a while, send me a nice email, and snuggling). He says it is too hard for him to remember to do those things and it feels like a big deal to him. For him this is a big deal. He mentioned he thought we were incompatible. I imagine this is part of his reason for saying that.

How can I tell him that we can work on that and I would be satisfied with smaller things to begin with. He feels like a failure and that he cannot give me what I need. No matter what I tell him he feels that way.

When my mother passed away a few years ago, I gave him a few ideas of things he could do to make me feel better when I was feeling depressed. He did not do any of the things I told him about, which seriously hurt my feelings and made me question whether he cared about me or not.

During our bomb drop conversation in February, that was when I asked him if he even cared at me at all since he was not there for me when my mom died. I felt bad bringing it up that he did not do those things for me, as I had never told him that before. That was when it came out that he did not love me anymore, or care about me as much as he thinks he should.

[chasingpavements]

Help!

Ok, this morning I told him I wanted to separate. He asked why and I told him because I felt he needed time and space to think about things. Then he looked really uncertain and sad that I wanted to separate. I think I caught him off guard. He is still sad but it seems like he doesn't want to give up. He asked if we could have a talk about it tonight. So.....wish me luck!!
In our talk I don't want to come across too needy or desperate...any advice?? ahhhhhh

sigh....

[chasingpavements]

Would anyone have any advice for me.. I am so worried I am about to screw this up! I wish I hadn't said anything to begin with, but now it looks like we are going to talk tonight.... ah!

[ALF213]

I wish I could help, H61. I certainly understand the feeling of second guessing a decision dealing with this stuff. I hope your talk goes well!

[lovethehub]

I don't know if you already had your talk or not but what I found to be very helpful when H and I finally had our first talk was listening, validating how he felt and explaining how I understood his feelings. I did not discuss my feelings or needs at all, just gave him what he needed.