How to proceed with angry, almost-walkaway H?

[maji]

Hi Mr Bond, AnotherStander,

I really appreciate your support. Oops, I didn't realise that asking him what he wants for dinner is considered "pursuit". Makes me wonder what else I'm doing wrong. But isn't it odd if I just start making dinner without asking him? Should I say "I feel like abc tonight. Is that ok with you?"

Here are the answers to your questions.

>> What have you been doing together?
We spend most of our free time together like before BD, doing everyday things -- groceries, cooking, playing games, going to restaurants/ movies/ art galleries/ events around town etc. The difference is he's been glum and sullen these 2 weeks since OW's goodbye -- mostly silence, apathy and one-word answers from him. So I've been pulling back. I let him initiate conversations (no pursuit, right?). Eg he becomes chatty when watching TV shows or comedies, and he'll try to engage me.

It's a struggle to figure out how to go about activities on my own without "abandoning" him because we have many common interests. I'll probably sign up for some classes on some weeknights, but for weekends… I'm lost... Any ideas???

>> When was the last correspondence? After you contacted the OW, I'm pretty sure she told your H and that it shook her up. That's why he seems miserable.

She emailed goodbye on 24 May, and he naturally followed with "please don't leave me". Since then, he's texted her twice to try to reconnect (no response from her). But honestly, I have no access to his work PC so I don't know if they've resumed contact since then.

>> But you shouldn't have intervened, because that often has the opposite effect of what the LBS intends.

Yes, you're absolutely right. It was a rash, desperate, stupid move. At this point, I've decided to detach from their EA. Let them ride their own rollercoaster.

>> You should really quit snooping

Yeah, you're right. I must. But it's really, really tough not to check his phone. In a way, I'm glad I saw those emails because I now know where I stand, and it has helped me give up wondering/hoping. I can move on now.

>> Did your H ever tell you about the OW?

Not voluntarily. I confronted him (calmly) a few days after BD after stumbling across texts on his phone. He grudgingly admitted that he's been pursuing her via texts since Feb (BD was mid-Mar) and that he has no remorse. He said he's physically attracted to her and felt a "connection", even though he hardly knew her at that time. Oddly enough, she reminds me of me. Sigh...

>>> We have good days but he's been increasingly distant and indifferent."
>> This is just you being more sensitive than normal.

Ummm, I doubt that I'm reading too much into it. His behavior these 2 weeks:
stopped smiling except when watching comedies, stopped saying hello when he comes back, stopped calling me from work, sleeps an awful lot, no interest in eating, gives mostly one-word answers, animosity in his tone. He wasn't like this before OW left. The silence and tension has been growing these 2 weeks.

There're signs that he's getting ready to move out. He's not putting his clothes away in their right spot -- instead, there's a growing stack of carefully folded clothes in the wardrobe. But I recognise that the only thing I can do is work on myself and leave him to his own misery. If he tells me that he wants to move out, I will tell him that I understand and I support his decision.

>>> "5. As long as the WAS stays home, how can I give him adequate SPACE?"
>> What did he ask you for?

After BD, he said he wanted time and space. "Let me deal with it my way." He's ok with me seeing a C, and sleeping in the same bed, but he asked that I don't touch him in any way, not even hand-holding or hugs. Since then, I've stopped saying ILY, avoided R talks (except through RetroV dialogues, which seemed to help), stopped all talk of any future for us.

>> How much changing have you done and what EXACTLY have you changed?

180s I've had success with:
Be calm no matter what happens
Be more decisive -- work in progress!
Say what I want instead of having others guess
Not get upset when my buttons are pushed
Not persuade H to let me have my way
Stopped being critical/ blaming H when he messes up
Compliment, affirm H often
Not spend so much time on the internet
Be on time

Things I've decided to do but have not had much practice:
Trusting other people to do things right -- not do it for them
Not always needing to have the "best"
Wake up early
Spend more time with my family and close friends


<< you have to decide for yourself if you're going to follow DB'ing or another approach. Don't try to mix and match, some people have tried that and it doesn't work out well.

Thanks for pointing it out. I need to read up more before I decide for sure. Could you briefly summarise what went wrong for those mix n match cases that didn't work out?

Right now, I'm leaning towards DB-ing since the core principles makes more sense to me. I just need more guidance on how to apply the concepts in daily life. Can anyone point out a few successful women who were in similar stiches? I'm now reading up on SDSoundGirl's story. Inspirational.