I agree that betrayal and rejection are very very hard to come to terms with. How can we not feel worthless when the person we most loved rejects us?
We tell ourselves it isn't us, but feeling it is another matter. That takes time. Actually there is great dignity in raising our kids as a single parent, and we gradually become someone that we can be proud of. We have to create our own reality, instead of a shared one, in which someone we loved is reflecting good things about us, back to us. that is really powerful. It isn't co-dependence, but affirmation.
Self affirming is harder. You will get there - I am sure of that, but it will be hard at times. The bad patches become less, and the good ones longer and longer, but to be honest, even now, I miss my xh and marriage, as it was.
GM, I am watching your posts. I was just at a C session with S19. In session s19 said "I'm doing fine mom" I know I can't control this or "will" it to how I want it to be. So, I will take care of me-work, stay out of trouble, get good grades". My kids are so good to one another. I feel my JOY in how proud I am of my kids. Is this the sit that they or I want? NO, absolutely not. Maybe someday, my boys will be awesome husbands and fathers. I keep reminding myself there are life lessons to learn. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
GM & WBW - I too hope that my sons become good men, fathers, and husbands one day too. This fact alone keeps me going. My children.
GM - Our children, while didn't want or need any of this, are strong and will build their strength from the parent they most respect and see. This is what God keeps telling me, which is why I stay as strong as I do.
GM, I have said this before and I will say it again. You are a strong woman and mother. You can do this girl! I aspire to be strong like you...look at what you have been able to do for the past 18+/- months. And think of how much more you will do in the next months, years,etc.
Let's face it. Your H is a stupid man right now to let someone like you be out of his life. You are the prize sweetie...and I beleive he will regret all his losses one day...maybe not when you would like, but one day.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I'm so glad the boys are out of school. They are content hanging out and doing things together and I am enjoying having mornings to myself. I'm not in the usually frenzy of making breakfast and lunches, looking for socks, etc. and getting everyone out the door on time. I work close to home so I can have lunch with them and be a little bit of a presence midday.
Not much has happened with the D the last few weeks and I've noticed I feel happier. I've been laughing a lot at work, I'm sleeping better and have a sense of well being that has been lacking. I have had moments of sadness, too, but I know they are temporary. All of this underscores how important it is that a settlement be reached and the D finalized. This isn't what I wanted, but since it is going to happen the sooner the better.
I do wonder what my H is experiencing now that he has zero contact with me, can no longer track my life through our bank account (I'm only using my new account now) and he can't contact my attorney - the new one will not allow it. After a year and a half he has no connection to us anymore. We're feeling better. Is he? It's interesting that in the last email to my former attorney he wrote that he no longer has contact with me and the boys; how much worse can this get? What did he think, that he could lash out at me forever? Did he still consider me a safety net? I don't know. I just thought it was odd coming from someone who abandoned his family and was enjoying a new, carefree life.
What did he think, that he could lash out at me forever? Did he still consider me a safety net? I don't know. I just thought it was odd coming from someone who abandoned his family and was enjoying a new, carefree life.
I started this reply and my computer decided to update with no warning and everything was lost. Time was it used to ask, now it just does it. Maybe in MLC!
Anyway, yes, the ones who walk away seem to spew the most, as if it is a right, which is a bit weird. The ones who stay around in the home usually act a bit nicer (if you consider that flaunting an affair is good behaviour!), but they tend to be more civil. Don't know why, perhaps we would throw them out if they weren't polite. Perhaps leaving gives them a license, in their minds, to be hurtful.
My xh is less inclined to spew these days, the need seems to fade over time. I suspect they are deeply conflicted, and it comes out as anger towards us.
You may find after the divorce (not right away) that your xh will entertain the belief that you can all be friends again, and possibly hang out together. My instainct is to raise my eyebrows and say 'Really?' Not good DBing, but once we are divorced I am not sure we need to worry about that one!!
The MLCer will tell us it is just a piece of paper. Well yes it is, but an important one, and they fail to realise that with it we become exactly like anyone else. I considered getting some sort of restraining order if the spewing continued post divorce, but didn't need to.
You ask what they are experiencing - as far as i can gather from looking at posts from those who experienced MLC, not a lot goes on in their heads. But they do come to think of themselves as the victims in all of this.
My xh has said repeatedly that he is 'shunned' by his family. My eldest son has told him that he is sorry he feels this way, but there are good reasons why no-one wants very much to do with him, which he (my son) is happy to talk about. The offer is never taken up.
Bea, I agree w/you about the "friends" bit. My xh spewed and was the angry green eyed monster for well over 3+ years. A few days after the funeral of my BIL in 2005, I got a rather lengthy email from him wanting to be friends and the he had friends who were divorced and the exes were really good friends, so why can't we be friends. Well, hello? No one treated friends the way he did me and I pointed out that maybe they have to be friends because of children or finalizing he separation of martial assets. To this day, he still doesn't get it.
Yes, the do think of themselves as victims, not once considering that they put themselves in the position of being where they are with the consequences of their actions. I know that my xh doesn't want to talk about his reign of terror and does everything possible to sweep it under the rug. It's very sad, but that's the way most of them are.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bea and snodderly, my H makes absolutely no connection between his actions/behavior and the state of his relationships with me and the boys. He is the victim in all of this. He doesn't understand that we stopped communicating because his words are hurtful. It's amazing how underdeveloped and child-like he is. If he would take the time to sort himself out he would see he was a victim in his birth family, but not in this one.
It will be interesting to see what he expects post-D. At this point, I really can't see communicating with him. Emotionally I don't want to go back to where I was, but until he starts taking a hard look at himself he will continue on as he has.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and that's stirring things up a bit for me. In the past I always acknowledged the day with a new framed photo of the boys for H's office (he loved that) and made plans for time together as a family. Does H even remember those days? This will be the second Father's Day since he left. Does he care? I care a lot. Over the last few weeks I've had moments when my heart is fully open and my mind isn't sabotaging the love I feel. I have had thoughts of sending H a card with pictures and an encouraging note. I couldn't bring myself to do it since anything I do that is sentimental and expresses feelings could be viewed as manipulative. I don't believe H's in a place where he can accept my words as a true expression of my heart.
Something H said a year ago haunts me still. He said "The day I left I decided I would never put the boys first again. I did that for years and I was unhappy." When I brought it up days later he vehemently denied saying that. I know he did, but won't bring it up again.
I do believe H loves the boys. I believe he misses them. He doesn't seem to know how to take steps to start repairing the damage. His rhetorical question to my attorney asking "How can things get any worse" says to me that he doesn't believe there is anything he can do to make things better. He is not an optimistic person. He doesn't believe people or situations change. That's why he leaves. He doesn't see the actions and commitment that are necessary to create change. IDK, maybe I'm assuming too much. This is what I've concluded based on his words and actions, or lack thereof, over the years.
Anyway, tomorrow will be sad for my boys. We will spend it with my parents, but it will still be hard for them. They want their Dad to come back full of love for them. Instead, he continues to threaten their security while chasing a fantasy.
I read this in a blog (Marriage, Divorce, Reconcile by Rachel Clark, Pychology Today) and wanted to share.
"When there is love in a marriage, there is harmony in the home; when there is harmony in the home, there is contentment in the community; when there is contentment in the community, there is prosperity in the nation; when there is prosperity in the nation, there is peace in the world." Chinese Proverb
Shortly after BD, I as struck by the lack of mentors in our communities. Where are the people that, based on their successes and failures, guide others on the journey of marriage? Like the author of the blog points out, too many people buy into the false beliefs about what marriage is. It doesn't provide our internal happiness. Marriage is hard work and it, and the partners in it, must be nurtured. There will be times when it feels empty, lonely and even wrong, but it's not the marriage, in most cases. It's ourselves. We DBers know this now, if we didn't before. If only our WAS's understood the secret....
I think it is important that we have role models and people we trust who will teach us the hard work involved in a marriage. I now appreciate that my parents didnt hide their arguments from us kids. We also knew they loved each other but also that they didn't always agree. I know my H parents never ever fought in front of the kids because it just wasnt proper.
I believe that my H never seeing his parents work on their marriage influenced his thinking.
I also think that marriage requires that each person be honest with themselves about their own needs and desires. I know I suppressed a lot of my wants while my H and I were together thinking that I could make him happy if I did things his way. I also know he suppressed many of his own feelings and eventually he imploded.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
