Bad Timing and Making a Mess of Things

[slow_it_down]

Its been over 3 weeks since I've seen my H or spoken to him on the phone. Aside from a few emails regarding picking things up from the house the only communication we've had is the email he sent asking me two weeks after he left if I wanted to meet his new gf before our baby is born. I don't know what it is but of the 15 times he's come and gone from my life there is something that feels 'different' this time. I feel less hope than I have in the past that he'll come back around. Knowing there is definitely an OW in the picture I know he's more distracted than he may have been in the past, but even so, he seemed closer to 'done with all of this' than he had in previous separations.

I think the most frustrating part of my sitch is the timing of things. I feel like we married and moved in together right around the very start of an MLC for him, like getting married contributed to an emotional spiral for him. He'd been trying to move up in his career and marrying me put a few limits on how far he could move in a very competitive job market.

I tried so hard when we were dating to ask the 'important' questions and to be completely honest about what I wanted so we'd have no surprises. I asked him early on when dating if it was a problem to have to stay moderately close to where we live now even if it meant not being able to take jobs far away. Of course being eager to keep the relationship going he said he could live with his current job if it meant we could be together. It wasn't long into our marriage that he hated his job and just couldn't take it any more.

Suddenly he went into 'oh woe is me' mode where he was the victim of everything in life - from work to the weather spiting his every move. He felt like if work wasn't going to reward him with more pay he could use the money he was making to buy things that made him feel better (like not 1 but 2 boats). He felt like if he had to work 90 hours a week he should be able to do whatever he wanted with no responsibility when he wasn't working. He'd work 90 hours and then spend his only free time working on his boats, hunting, fishing etc.

When we were dating he'd find the energy to hang out and spend time with me but after we were married he was just too tired all of the time to do anything but nap when he wasn't at work. (We are talking an immediate change within months, not years like people just getting 'comfortable' and starting to put less work into a relationship).

He'd swear he couldn't get off work for any reason only to find a way to take long trips out of town for things he wanted to do, but then when it came to things with me work always came first. When I first approached him about these things he said "this is what you signed up for when we got married, you knew I worked a lot." And I agree I did sign up for that, but I also thought I signed up for a husband that would want to spend time with me, spend time helping at least somewhat taking care of things that needed fixed at the house and wanted to contribute at least some money into our family expenses.

What I've wrestled with in the 10 months since I blew up at him initially is wondering whether he's truly feeling the stress and burnout from work and going through an MLC for which I should stand for him or if he's just someone who isn't really willing to be part of a marriage.

I know that I could have been more supportive of him when we were together. I have a list of things I'm working on for myself through this DB process. What plagues us is that every time we come closer to reconciling he makes choices that put us farther away (ex we talk to MC about me wanting him to contribute financially and he goes out and buys a new sportscar). Or I tell him I want to do a better job managing work and family balance and then he can't go on an expensive vacation at the last minute because he didn't find someone to cover for him. (Nothing like spending Christmas alone at a pool in another state.)

I love his hardworking nature and dedication to his job. I loved the time we did get to spend together when he made time for me and had energy before we got married. The question is - do I keep DB'ing, hoping to get him back and really work through things to find out if this is an MLC that will pass? I keep vacillating between just plain missing him, making excuses for his behaviors and choices and wanting to move on knowing that whether he's here or not life isn't all that different.

Sorry this is all over the place. Journalling a bit to work through some of what I'm feeling. I'm a 100% believer in marriage and like many people here never thought I'd be in this position. I've heard of the beginning of marriages being rough but this is just plain confusing! One minute we are separated, the next we are looking into building a house together, then we are talking about how badly he wants to have a baby with me but then when I get pregnant he's out of the house again and buying tv's, cars and now dating an OW to fill the space.