This is my first post. I am still learning all of the acronyms so please bear with me. I'm sorry if this is too long of a post. I have been reading this forum for the last week, and have really been inspired by reading some of the stories on here. I haven't read DB or DR yet, but I've ordered DB from amazon and feel like the book can't get here soon enough. Until that time, I've been reading about some of the suggestions from other members on this site. Now, I would like suggestions for my own situation if you don't mind helping me out. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married nearly 3. We got married pretty quickly, and the realtionship was hugely rushed. When my husband first met me, I was a hot mess. I not only had a drinking problem, but I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I lived in an unstable environment with my parents, and would often take elaborate trips outside of the country to "escape". It wasn't until I found my husband and moved in that I found myself in a somewhat stable environment. Even then, my drinking was a problem. When we were first dating my husband (then boyfriend), threatened to leave if I didn't get help. So, I quit (with two or three drops off the wagon), and got into therapy right away. Several years later I am still seeing the same therapist, and am now on a variety of medications. These medications have made me fat combined with my sudden addiction to food (gained 70 pound in one year) :(, and have also essentially killed my sex drive. I was 24 when we first got married, and my husband 23, so not having a sex drive really hurt. Shortly, after we got married I decided to finish my bachelors, and am now doing my Masters. I am barely home, studying and going to work in my school's lab. When I am home I'm always feeling lethargic, and have no desire to spend time with my husband. Even if he did want to go out, I am still embarrassed years later of all the weight I've gained and don't want to go out in public. Part of my mental illness is having anxieties in large crowds, which living in Los Angeles makes it extremely difficult. I moved here as my husband had a good job and promised to support me in going back to school. To add to all of that fun stuff, my parent-in-laws, who my husband is dearly closed to, hate me and have made it clear. They have stated over and over again that I make my husband's life miserable (maybe they are right), and have told me I will ruin any grandchildren because I might pass on my mental disorder ( maybe.) Everytime my husband comes home from them he is bitter with me, and finds faults in everything I do. For the last couple of years, I take full responsibility in damaging a lot of our marriage. I was distant from my husband, did not desire to do much in terms of being a wife, and he has complained repeatedly that I am like a roommate. I have made empty threats in the pass over divorce, but they were just so he would get off my back about me not being a good wife. I realize now I took for granted all of the things he has done for me as a husband, and rugswept them. I also realized in IC that this is exactly how my mom (who also has Bipolar disorder) handled her problems. She would ignore us children, and my father, so she could go off into her own world. I hated my mom growing up because she ignored/neglected us, and I turned into her. Last week on Thursday, we got into another fight. We can't agree on location, and I no longer want to live in California after I get my last degree. He wants to stay here because his family is here and he doesn't trust me enough to move (his words). I threatened divorce again, and this time he called my bluff. At first, I thought he was just acting out. The entire weekend passed, and he was visiting friends, and a couple nights slept over at a friend's house. Of course I was going crazy, thinking "what if he's with a girl? What if he's sleeping with another person?" He's never cheated on me but my mind ran rampant. On Monday he said he wanted a divorce. I felt sick to my stomach and started to hyperventilate. I begged, and pleaded with him. Asked him for help. He ran out of the apartment and stayed over at someone's house again. He texted me saying he would pay for an apartment for a year until the divorce was final. He said he still loved me but couldn't deal with my problems anymore. He said we would never be getting back together again and I should call my therapist to deal with it. The next day I missed out on school, and layed in bed depressed. I took a Tylenol PM to get some sleep, but woke up feeling in extreme heart break. I wanted to cry, but felt so horrible I just couldn't any more. I stressed, and tried to find ways that other people have adapted to this situation, and ran into this website. This has been a real eye opener!!! I cannot stress that enough. Reading about all the things people have done to their marriages, made me reflect back on how I acted. I was a horrible spouse, and the only time I would talk with my husband was to complain about everything negative in my life. I don't have any friends or family I could talk to, and realized all of my negative energy was being thrown at my husband, and that was the only energy he ever got from me. I don't blame him in the least for wanting to leave. But I love this man, and I realize now more than every I don't want such a good person out of my life. Since I've been to this website, as I am short on money, and have not got the books yet, I've just been picking up tidbits here and there about ideas on what to do. I am a bit confused on whether to approach him with questions about his day, because I was distant before, and that was one of our problems. I have however, stopped texting him, signed up for some group exercise classes at my school, and have gone out with some people in my lab. I forced myself to be in large crowds despite my anxiety so that I could appear to have a life outside of my apartment. I have dressed up, and am actually wearing make up everyday (hardly ever put it on before). My husband since wednesday, has been sleeping in our bed, and has commented on how beautiful I look with the makeup. He still doesn't wear his ring that he took off, nor does he initiate any kind of intimacy, not even a hug. For now I've been backing off all realtionship talk, and all forms of physical contact. It has been extremely difficult, but I am determined to make things work. Also, I have felt good about going out this last week, so I feel the effects benefiting me, even if it is not benefiting our marriage. Though, I am not sure if it is or not. I remain positive in all conversations and have started more and more opening up my thoughts to people I hang out with in my lab. I have took my ring off too as I don't want my husband to think I am hoping for R, when he has told me it's never going to happen. Today he was a little depressed in the morning, but I didn't ask why. I'm still unsure in many situations what to do. yesterday, I actually looked at him when I asked him how is day went. I used to just ask him when I was staring at my comptuer doing homework. I never really listened before. I think even if my marriage doesn't work out, I have learned a lot about myself through all of this.
I look forward to listening to the people on this forum struggling through the same issues.
