This is my first post. I am still learning all of the acronyms so please bear with me. I'm sorry if this is too long of a post. I have been reading this forum for the last week, and have really been inspired by reading some of the stories on here. I haven't read DB or DR yet, but I've ordered DB from amazon and feel like the book can't get here soon enough. Until that time, I've been reading about some of the suggestions from other members on this site. Now, I would like suggestions for my own situation if you don't mind helping me out. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married nearly 3. We got married pretty quickly, and the realtionship was hugely rushed. When my husband first met me, I was a hot mess. I not only had a drinking problem, but I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I lived in an unstable environment with my parents, and would often take elaborate trips outside of the country to "escape". It wasn't until I found my husband and moved in that I found myself in a somewhat stable environment. Even then, my drinking was a problem. When we were first dating my husband (then boyfriend), threatened to leave if I didn't get help. So, I quit (with two or three drops off the wagon), and got into therapy right away. Several years later I am still seeing the same therapist, and am now on a variety of medications. These medications have made me fat combined with my sudden addiction to food (gained 70 pound in one year) :(, and have also essentially killed my sex drive. I was 24 when we first got married, and my husband 23, so not having a sex drive really hurt. Shortly, after we got married I decided to finish my bachelors, and am now doing my Masters. I am barely home, studying and going to work in my school's lab. When I am home I'm always feeling lethargic, and have no desire to spend time with my husband. Even if he did want to go out, I am still embarrassed years later of all the weight I've gained and don't want to go out in public. Part of my mental illness is having anxieties in large crowds, which living in Los Angeles makes it extremely difficult. I moved here as my husband had a good job and promised to support me in going back to school. To add to all of that fun stuff, my parent-in-laws, who my husband is dearly closed to, hate me and have made it clear. They have stated over and over again that I make my husband's life miserable (maybe they are right), and have told me I will ruin any grandchildren because I might pass on my mental disorder ( maybe.) Everytime my husband comes home from them he is bitter with me, and finds faults in everything I do. For the last couple of years, I take full responsibility in damaging a lot of our marriage. I was distant from my husband, did not desire to do much in terms of being a wife, and he has complained repeatedly that I am like a roommate. I have made empty threats in the pass over divorce, but they were just so he would get off my back about me not being a good wife. I realize now I took for granted all of the things he has done for me as a husband, and rugswept them. I also realized in IC that this is exactly how my mom (who also has Bipolar disorder) handled her problems. She would ignore us children, and my father, so she could go off into her own world. I hated my mom growing up because she ignored/neglected us, and I turned into her. Last week on Thursday, we got into another fight. We can't agree on location, and I no longer want to live in California after I get my last degree. He wants to stay here because his family is here and he doesn't trust me enough to move (his words). I threatened divorce again, and this time he called my bluff. At first, I thought he was just acting out. The entire weekend passed, and he was visiting friends, and a couple nights slept over at a friend's house. Of course I was going crazy, thinking "what if he's with a girl? What if he's sleeping with another person?" He's never cheated on me but my mind ran rampant. On Monday he said he wanted a divorce. I felt sick to my stomach and started to hyperventilate. I begged, and pleaded with him. Asked him for help. He ran out of the apartment and stayed over at someone's house again. He texted me saying he would pay for an apartment for a year until the divorce was final. He said he still loved me but couldn't deal with my problems anymore. He said we would never be getting back together again and I should call my therapist to deal with it. The next day I missed out on school, and layed in bed depressed. I took a Tylenol PM to get some sleep, but woke up feeling in extreme heart break. I wanted to cry, but felt so horrible I just couldn't any more. I stressed, and tried to find ways that other people have adapted to this situation, and ran into this website. This has been a real eye opener!!! I cannot stress that enough. Reading about all the things people have done to their marriages, made me reflect back on how I acted. I was a horrible spouse, and the only time I would talk with my husband was to complain about everything negative in my life. I don't have any friends or family I could talk to, and realized all of my negative energy was being thrown at my husband, and that was the only energy he ever got from me. I don't blame him in the least for wanting to leave. But I love this man, and I realize now more than every I don't want such a good person out of my life. Since I've been to this website, as I am short on money, and have not got the books yet, I've just been picking up tidbits here and there about ideas on what to do. I am a bit confused on whether to approach him with questions about his day, because I was distant before, and that was one of our problems. I have however, stopped texting him, signed up for some group exercise classes at my school, and have gone out with some people in my lab. I forced myself to be in large crowds despite my anxiety so that I could appear to have a life outside of my apartment. I have dressed up, and am actually wearing make up everyday (hardly ever put it on before). My husband since wednesday, has been sleeping in our bed, and has commented on how beautiful I look with the makeup. He still doesn't wear his ring that he took off, nor does he initiate any kind of intimacy, not even a hug. For now I've been backing off all realtionship talk, and all forms of physical contact. It has been extremely difficult, but I am determined to make things work. Also, I have felt good about going out this last week, so I feel the effects benefiting me, even if it is not benefiting our marriage. Though, I am not sure if it is or not. I remain positive in all conversations and have started more and more opening up my thoughts to people I hang out with in my lab. I have took my ring off too as I don't want my husband to think I am hoping for R, when he has told me it's never going to happen. Today he was a little depressed in the morning, but I didn't ask why. I'm still unsure in many situations what to do. yesterday, I actually looked at him when I asked him how is day went. I used to just ask him when I was staring at my comptuer doing homework. I never really listened before. I think even if my marriage doesn't work out, I have learned a lot about myself through all of this.
I look forward to listening to the people on this forum struggling through the same issues.
First off welcome to the boards. It's a tough place to be for sure but there are a ton of great people on here all working on similar things.
Next - these things take a LOT of time so don't worry that your husband called your bluff and said he wants a D (divorce). You have time to show him a new you and someone that he wants to be with.
So...who is it that you want to be?
You mentioned many things you regret doing over the years so you see some things you want to change. Has your H (husband) complained about other specific things you didn't mention? Are they valid and things you'd like to improve on?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Hi Spartan: Thanks for commenting. He has mentioned I should cook more and get into hobbies he likes. I'm all for,getting into new hobbies but I'm literally gone from 8am to 7pm to 10pm at night so its difficult finding energy. He also wanted me to learn his native language which tbh I have no interest in learning. He's mentioned getting along with his parents which I have tried but they have no desire to involve me. I however do want to be in a loving relationship with my husband not a roommate. My parents are more of the roommate couple that have made me believe that's the norm. I'm finally learning its not. Today he went off to his parents again and gave me a pretty untouchy hug. I've decided not to txt him this weekend so he can have space. Good idea? I appreciate your advice.
Well I have mixed feelings about this weekend. I turned OFF my phone so that I would not be tempted to text H out of habit. Turns out, I actually use my phone for a lot of other things aside from texting him so I had to turn it back on lol. However, I have not texted him while he was away. He did not initiate any texts towards me and I feel happy that I've had time to contemplate my own feelings, but I am also sad that he has not tried to tell me about what's going on. I guess I just have to be patient?
I decided our apartment has been depressing me every time I come home. Not sure why I felt that way, but I took this weekend alone to "update" it. Moved some furniture around to let more light in, as well as buying some decorations so that it brightens the place up. H's desk has always been a mess he has been promising to clean up. I'm a clean person and decided to just organize it for him; if he doesn't like it I suppose he can rearrange it himself. I also took some of his phone cards that he collected for the pictures and did a little craft project (not ruining the cards) so I could add another decoration to the walls. I steamed clean the floors, and scrubbed the tiles. It may sound odd but I love a good deep clean.
On Saturday, I went to IC. My therapist asked me an interesting question. "How do you feel this week compared to the rest of your year regarding your marriage?". I thought about it, and oddly enough I feel content. I never thought of it before, but our marriage was rocky this whole year, and I had secluded myself into all my school work not GAL of my own. (I think I also need a D from my school :P ) I do have moments throughout the day where I do get depressed over the situation, but other times I'm glad this whole things has happened. It really opened my eyes to what has been happening. It has also led me to get out to places where I would have never gone before. For example, I wouldn't have decorated the apartment before without H here. He has a habit of not trusting my decorative instincts, complains the whole way, and then ends up liking it at the end. This time I decided to just do it without the painstaking complaints, and go straight to the prize. I've also went to the coin-op car wash for the first time by myself. H used to wash my car, but I couldn't wait for him. My car was embarrassing, full of trash and filth. This may sound incredibly dorky, but I actually had fun experimenting with all the different settings there. I think I'll make a habit out of washing my own car. One of H complaints was also I didn't take care of my own car. H has implemented a passcode on his phone and started dressing nicer. He goes through mood swings with me of either being happy, or being angry at me when I didn't says anything. I'm starting to get a bit paranoid, what if someone else is involved, but I've decided even if it's true there's nothing I can do. Also, I'm probably being paranoid.
Things I want to start getting into the habit of doing: 1) Going to the salon twice a week ( I suck at doing nails) 2) Stick on a healthy diet 3) Go out with labmates more 4) Try a new activity (I'll have to think of this one.)
H just came home after being gone this weekend. He was cold and standoffish. He has always been that way as his parents will consistently bad mouth me and then he comes home believing it to be true. Usually, I would yell at him and ask him WTF... This time I didn't follow him around the house, and am now going to go out and get my nails down while I cool off. It pisses me off that his parents always have this effect on him. There's nothing I can do about them. He didn't seem to like the apartment, and the thing I made with his cards he says "that's a good idea" and then he walked away to the bedroom. No thank you.... The more I read on here the more I realize I have to do things and not expect to get responses out of them. I guess I can also add that to my goal sheet. It's a difficult one to follow. Please send good vibes to me.... thanks everyone for listening to me vent.
I realize my comments are still being moderated, so sorry I'm going to have a lot of comments in order. So after coming back from the salon my H was dressed up nice like he was going on a date. Probably not, knowing him. He's extremely shy, but if he's trying to portray it as if he's dating it's working. I assume he's going out maybe with another girl. I don't say this to him, instead I just tell him he looks nice. I've never been jealous before our entire relationship, but suddenly the green beast comes out of no where. Does anyone else have this happen?
I break down and start crying. He gives me a pity hug and tries to comfort me. He then says he has to go and I apologize for crying. I feel so stupid now for being weak and breaking down. Ugh, I was doing a decent job most of this week.
Some update, which I can really use some advice on.
A little more detail to our story; husband is getting citizenship under our marriage. It was a good faith marriage to begin with, but I fear he's postponing the divorce solely to complete his year left for naturalization. If this is the reason he is staying, he can very well play along good family and then leave.
His mother has been trying to separate us from day one. My second time meeting her she wanted to kick me out of our apartment (prior to being married). She stood in front of our door and screamed her lungs off in front of our neighbors for me to get my stuff out. H had to slam the door on her so she could go away. She still has a huge influence on him. She's a drama queen and likes to create a lot of her own drama. I try to avoid confrontation because I don't want to get involved in any of it. For the longest time she refused to call me by my name referring to me as "your wife" to my h. Last time she said separating would be good for us as she thinks we are too co-dependent on each other. (This is when we were doing good in our marriage). Who the hell says that to a married couple?! So H comes home after visiting them this weekend, and decides he wants a physical separation as soon as possible and not a divorce. I'm sure his mother influenced his decision on this, but when it comes down to it he's a big boy. It just makes me build resentment towards both of them. He said he didn't want a divorce and felt he can only work on our marriage if he moved away. Well, preferably he wants me to move away. I'm mid summer school and working in a lab and he expects me to just up and walk away with finals coming up in two weeks. I feel as if my school will suffer for this, and I have to constantly maintain focus. My question is this. I know most of you will say let him leave, and let him work on it. I feel like he's prolonging the divorce for the sole purpose of citizenship and that's not the reason why he should lie to me about working things out. Maybe I'm being paranoid? It is entirely possibly because I'm not sure what to think at this point. Is it really true that one can work on a marriage better if they leave? Has anyone experienced this? Thank you for your thoughts. Hopefully I'll get the DB book before the week is up. I have to play catch up before I make all the wrong decisions.
It's also nice to vent here. Thanks for listening.
Just checking in. I'm having a harder time detaching than I originally was. I admire everyone who can keep doing it so vigorously.
I am still keeping up with my diet. Lost a few pounds, and not because I was depressed. Mostly, because I've been watching my weight. I have set a future weight goal I hope to hit by the end of the month. H has stopped eating all together. I'm trying hard not to be concerned for his health, and just focus on myself. It's hard just thinking for myself now. I'm also trying hard to stay focused in my school despite everything going on. Thankfully, it's summer and things are slow. I get paid to work at the school lab, so my job is pretty lenient as long as I show some results. I'm thinking of going on a mini vacation to a resort for my birthday. Last birthday, as H and I share a birthday, we celebrated with his family at a cabin. They didn't wish me a happy birthday, nor acknowledge me. It was the worse birthday I've ever had. This time I say forget about his family, and H. I'm going to have me a good time, even if it is alone. I'm expecting to go alone, and while I have told H I have not invited him to come with me. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to or not.... I don't want to pressure him into doing something just to please me.
Well it sounds like you're following DB'ing principals pretty well, so stick with it. But I sense that you're looking for quick results and you're just not going to get them. You have to be VERY patient. It sounds like you've done some soul searching and implemented several much-needed changes. That's a great step, but your H is going to think they're just tricks to get him back. It's important to stick with your changes for the long haul. It'll take months before he starts believing that you've really changed.
As for his parents, you've got to set aside your anger and bitterness over them. You have no control over them at all, so there's no use in getting worked up over it. If it's true that they're filling your H with a lot of negative thoughts about you, then your job is to SHOW him something else. Be the spouse only a fool would leave. Good luck!
Thanks for responding AS, I know I can't make it about his parents. I certainly didn't marry them. I'm also a little impatient, but I'm that way in general. You're right, I really have to stand back and take a breather, learn to be more patient. I just feel like sometimes if I don't see instant results I'm not doing something right, but I know our problems didn't happen overnight and I have to learn they're not going to get solved overnight.
When it rains it pours. It was an especially bad day today. One of my labmates threw me under the bus so she could take my work hours. Something I would have never expected from her, but she's really desperate for money. I really love working in my lab, so when my adviser chewed me out it became too much for me. I'm now at risk losing my job, and a requirement for the graduate program is to stay in your lab. I kept a cool face, and then came home and cried to my husband. He acted blase, and ignored me. I forgot I can no longer rely on him for my emotional support, especially given our sensitive situation. I guess with so many events going on this week it became a bit too much for me. I can't go out and GAL right now because I have a test tomorrow I need to focus on. I started texting a good friend of mine and got some moral support from him. I can't wait for summer school to end so I can have a month to just inhale the fresh air and take some time to think. I'm already calmer now that I've vented on here. I guess this has helped.
