I've really been dwelling on my situation over the past week and I am actually driving myself crazy with it!!
Part of me feels like I should try going back to being friendly and doing things as a family because this seemed to cause me the least amount of stress,seemed ok with my H and seems like the best route to reconciling.
However, the other part of me feels like I did try that and it still left me in limbo and I feel like H isn't really getting the picture of what separation/D is really like (he's having his family but also not having to deal with me.
I sometimes think I should just move on but deep down I know this is not what I want right now.
It's funny how emotions can change from day to day. I feel like I don't even want to try anymore-if he wants a D then I should just give in.
2 Weeks ago I asked my H is he could watch the girls so I could go out with some co-workers from work. I actually got home rather early and went to bed. One of the co-workers, who is a guy, posted something on my FB that night about how him and the other co-worker ended up going to another place after I went home. At around 1 A.M. H texted me saying it was time to call this to a close (the M) and that he was tired and it was time (This had happened another time I had gone out with a friend. He ended up texting me 2 nights later saying that something clearly had happened, that I was flustered and that we needed to end this).
I called him and he was intoxicated.He told me he was no longer drinking during the week. I told him I was proud of him.He said I was never proud of him and then he kept asking if I was safe. After going around with him asking if I was at home and if I was safe we finally ended the conversation.
The next day I met my H and Ds for lunch. He apologized saying "I'm sorry about last night." I just said it was OK and let it go.
2 days later H and I were talking about a situation with our D. We were on opposite ends of what we thought we should say to her. I told him I felt like we all needed to go to therapy just so we could all communicate. He said he didn't like that idea. He then said he wasn't going to apologize anymore for anything that happened in our R, that he had already apologized enough. I told him I didn't want any apologies, I just wanted acknowledgement for all that I had done and sacrificed for him and our family.
2 days after that I got another late night (2A.M.) text saying he was sorry for everything. I just asked if he was OK and then told him to go to bed.
Interaction since then have been casual.Last weekend when H had our Ds I ran into them shopping and we all went out for lunch together. I told H that I was going out to dinner with friends this weekend and if he would like to join. He said he would think about it.
Well yesterday he said he was going to pass on going out with us. I really felt like I had been hit in the gut but just said OK.
Had another heated conversation last night. I asked him why he sent the texts about "ending it" at those moments. He said he thought my going out indicated I was ready to move on. I told him I wasn't ever ready. I also told him how I felt so unappreciated and beat down by him through the years. He indicated that now I made him feel lousy.
GotoGirl, I felt like no matter what or how I tried to communicate with my stbxw while she was in the WAW mode it was always interpreted incorrectly. I hope your H is willing to hear and understand your actions, thoughts, and feelings. Do you think he's looking for a reason to justify his feelings and actions? Hang in there GotoGirl.....you're doing great.
Thanks Blue. From things he has said, he feels like I haven't loved him and haven't been proud of him. I don't know if this is how he really feels or if he is justifying his actions and his leaving.
He says that he has changed and that I don't see what he's become. I'm not really sure what he's become but I feel like he thinks he's outgrown me because he has more education then me.
During our conversation last night he mentioned that we needed to "end this" and I told him he had to do what he had to do. I tried to call him today but he wouldn't answer.
I just hope I didn't totally blow it but at the same time part of me feels like it would put an end to this 15 month nightmare.
GotoGirl, My W said that I wasn't emotionally meeting her needs and that I wasn't her best friend. Sounds like a similar script. I just wanted to roll my eyes...are we in high school or are we grown adults with kids, responsibilities, and 12 years of marriage and history together. Why does your H need you to be proud of him in order to have a satisfying relationship? Again, my W told me that I never, quote never, told her in 12 years of marriage that I loved her. Really, how ridiculous is that statement! Same thing with your H...after 15 years of marriage you've never loved him? Sounds just silly...don't you wish that you can flip a switch and get the old person back
GotoGirl, sounds like you are getting tons of mixed messages...I get the same thing (except I'm not brave enough to bring up R talk & hear H is still wanting a D. I can only take hearing it so many times before I feel like I'll lose my mind)!!
I'm still allowing the family time...because I want it, I can't face losing my husband fully...yet. I too bounce between wanting to give up & wanting to keep standing. It hurts to stand & be rejected.
I just wish our spouses could understand that we are standing BECAUSE we value them & our relationships. The very thing we're accused of not caring about. Maybe late, but whatever happened to "better late than never"?
Maybe someday they will see how much we've tried, R or not.
H48 M46 T26 M25 S25 D21 10/4/12 BD - ILYBINILWY, S 10/7/12 H Leaves, works 2 hours away H Done 1/13 H tells S he wants D 2/13 NO R talk since - nothing filed We live together weekends
Well said Demoted. I'm the same with you in allowing family time because I want it. It is funny that we would get accused of never caring,etc and they can't see that we are trying because of these very things! Hang in there. I guess I don't have to tell you I know how hard it is
