Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

Well, I fell off the wagon already. I don't know where all this resentment is coming from, because I ate the fishie alive last night, and this morning, and I'm STILL hungry!Why am I so PO'd at my H?

I just feel like I am doing all the work for this M, and our S, and just generalyl EVERYTHING. I feel like everything is about HIM and never about me. I know this is how it's "supposed" to be right now, but I think it sucks. I still feel like a single parent, even when he's here. Nothing that I say I need ever happens, while I am at his beck and call 24 hours a day. He actually had the nerve to say this morning "you know this is actually how the house is supposed to look, right?"

Like he would ever lift a finger to make sure it stayed that way - then he's like "but I always tell my mom when she mentions it that you're busy" GRRRR. I am so mad right now! I work really hard with the house and with our S, and he does nothing, and STILL he always gets to be the good guy, while I am always the bad guy. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! I know I am not supposed to get angry, but when is the point when a one-sided relationship becomes even more one-sided? Aren't I encouraging him to take me for granted if I wait on him hand and foot while he doesn't have to do anything for the house or for our S?

He sleeps here. That's it. He doesn't eat here, pick up, clean, or anything. He brought his dirty laundry home and threw the bags in the middle of the living room floor. Wow, I am SO mad right now!!!!

*pant, pant, pant* Feeling a little out of breath. (I will NOT kill my H, I will NOT kill my H)

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

Well, get up, brush off the dirt and climb back in the wagon.

Undoubtedly, you just set yourself back a few weeks to a few months but you can start over.

I know this is hard--really hard. And of all people, you know that we all understand why you're not happy about having to do the work.

But right now, you HAVE to do it because you want this story to have a happy ending. You have the tools to do it, so that makes you perfect for the job.

Are you in?

Can you find some meditation tapes to help you relax when you feel like losing it? I pray, but some people don't--meditation can get you to the same centered place if you learn how to do it properly.

Hugs,

Bets

[Lyrael]

Well, get up, brush off the dirt and climb back in the wagon.
I think that's exactly what I'll do, instead of spending a week stewing over my screw-up.

Undoubtedly, you just set yourself back a few weeks to a few months but you can start over.

I am going to again ask for clarification on this, instead of getting all hypersensitive about it. Do you think this has set us back in our communication goals? Or do you think this may mean he is going to be ready to walk back out the door?
But right now, you HAVE to do it because you want this story to have a happy ending. You have the tools to do it, so that makes you perfect for the job.

I didnt come at him with nearly the amount of venom that my post had in it, so I may have made it sound worse than it actually was. It seems like it was a much bigger deal to me than it was to him. And this is not just my wishful thinking. We were still sniping a bit at each other tonight when we got in the car after grocery shopping, and he all of a sudden said "I'm done!" And then said it again. I started to cry (like the weenie that I am) and he grabbed me and kissed me. Then he said "I love you; let's stop this, okay?" I said "I love you, too, and told him my anger was really fear - I was so afraid he was going to leave right away again. Then he said "you and S are my family, and you're at home. I'm not leaving. I love you."

Are you in?

Heck, yes, I'm in - I will beat this stupidity - I CAN stop crazymaking, especially with a guy who really IS meeting me halfway. I can do this - I just have to keep trying.

Can you find some meditation tapes to help you relax when you feel like losing it? I pray, but some people don't--meditation can get you to the same centered place if you learn how to do it properly.

I am a "pray-er" myself - it has goten me through lots of other bad spots. I really want to check out that book "The Power of a Praying Wife," but I haven't yet. Praying for me, him, and us seems to put me back in the loving, forgiving, and patient frame of mind I need to be in to DB properly. I don't know what happened ;ast night.

So, was that an official 2x4? Thanks if it was - I need to be told to stop whining and start doing every once in a while. (Remember : think solutions, not problems!)
Thanks, Bets,

Myrrh

[dazedboy]

Hi,
I am intrigued by the ying/yang, Cain/Able, Tom/Jerry? haha relationship you guys have. I wish I could be as direct with my anger at times, but then I'd probably be writing this from some mental ward or solitary cell..

It sure seems to me you are being played. Who does this guy think he is with all the passive/agressive s**t he is pulling. As strong as you are, will you please just step back and define some boundaries for this guy? Coming by and just dropping dirty laundry in the middle of the floor is such a demeaning thing to do. It borders on degrading.

There comes a time when I don't care how much you think you love the SOB, there are things you have to stand up for. With his attitude, he is not seeing such a wonderful Flylady, he is seeing someone he is able to control and walk on. Time to show that you are a loving, but now a very firm partner in this M.

Could some of your anger be because you are allowing this, and perpetuating the sitch..? There are guys out here that would love to be in a R with someone like you, with that spunk and vitality. Your H doesn't see what he has now.

Maybe it's time to not only set those boundaries, but go a little dark on him and let him see what he will be missing. Not on his terms, on yours. He is such a putz... Thanks for letting me vent all over this guy. Take a stand, you deserve better than what you are getting right now.

[Lyrael]

Hi,
I am intrigued by the ying/yang, Cain/Able, Tom/Jerry? haha relationship you guys have.

Ouch. When I see that someone else is reducing my M to those terms, I realize I need to be a little more careful with how I present both it and my H.

It sure seems to me you are being played.

It used to seem that way to me, too. BUT (and there is a but), that was back when I wasn't willing to realize what my part in this was. You have to understand that there are 3 years of out-of-control behavior on my part - including a couple of months of almost unceasing suicidal threats/gestures. My anger isn't always justifiable, sometimes it's just RAGE - leftover from the rejection and abandonment I experienced when I was little. Right now the issue I'm working on is my own inability to express my emotions in a healthy and direct way, and to not express them at all until I can do that.

Who does this guy think he is with all the passive/agressive s**t he is pulling.

I'm sorry to disagree, but I don't think P/A is necessarily always a conscious effort to screw with me (if ever). It's a set of deeply ingrained defense mechanisms that he has had his whole life, just like my tendency to go ballistic and to create conflict where there is none is not something I do to screw with him; rather it's an old set of habits that I am working hard to overcome.

As strong as you are, will you please just step back and define some boundaries for this guy?

Perhaps when I can do that in a healthy, non-raging way, I will. But until then, he does okay. While he does come home late sometimes, I always know where he is, and can ALWAYS call him if I want/need to talk or just reassure myself he is where he said he was going to be.

Coming by and just dropping dirty laundry in the middle of the floor is such a demeaning thing to do. It borders on degrading.

I suppose it would is he had just "come by" and done it, but he lives with us now, and I TOLD him to bring the laundry home so I could do the rest of it. In my absolute fury of the other day, that was just something else to complain about.

There comes a time when I don't care how much you think you love the SOB,

Wow, if I don't really love him, what the hell am I doing married to "the SOB" as you so kindly referred to him.

there are things you have to stand up for.

He actually has started picking up his dirty clothes when he takes them off since I said something. I don't know how much more I could have stood up for myself the other day- I tend to think I went EXTREMELY overboard.

With his attitude, he is not seeing such a wonderful Flylady, he is seeing someone he is able to control and walk on.

I don't feel very controlled. I am happy that he is starting to feel like he can count on me to be an equal partner, rather than a needy child. He tell sme all the time how beautiful the house looks (which I didn't mention in my earlier post, to be fair to you).

Could some of your anger be because you are allowing this, and perpetuating the sitch..? There are guys out here that would love to be in a R with someone like you, with that spunk and vitality. Your H doesn't see what he has now.

(low chuckle) I think he does. You see, I only come to the board when I am irritated, confused, or feel I'm losing my direction. Perhaps I need to post some more of the positives from my M, so it doesn't sound so darn bad all the time.

Maybe it's time to not only set those boundaries, but go a little dark on him and let him see what he will be missing.

I'm not sure, but I think you're implying I just stop doing all the housework, laundry, etc, and stop any loving behavior. I think that would eb alittle counter-productive right now. I am realyl proud of what I'm doing, and to stop right now wouldn't be good for my PMA.

He is such a putz... Thanks for letting me vent all over this guy.

Thank you for venting - if only because it made me realize how negative I was sounding. He isn't a putz. He's a wonderful guy most of the time, or I sure as hell wouldn't be involved with him. He hasn't done anything remotely shady in months, and he actually listened to part of my tirade the other nigth apparently (since he is making the effort to pick up after himself). The anger comes from me not taking care of myself - more specifically, from not getting enough sleep. That makes me crazy.

Take a stand, you deserve better than what you are getting right now.

Gee, I am pretty satisfied with what I have right now, but maybe I'm just stupid like that.

I'd be interested in Betsey and Mer's comments on this post.

Thanks,
Myrrh

[Meredith]

I'd be interested in Betsey and Mer's comments on this post.

Absolutely Darling! Ask and you shall receive.

Dazedboy,
Passive-aggressive actions that are TRUE passive-aggressive actions should never be labeled as behaviors that people are pulling. They are part of a disorder that needs to be overcome, and the process takes time. I am curious as to which of these behaviors you classify as “sh*t that he is pulling”. I know first hand that they are not easy behaviors to work with, but work with them we must. Just as a handicapped person may not be able to jump up and walk upon command, we cannot demand that the PA spouse quit acting the way that he does…it takes a lot of time and patience and Myrrh is very lucky to posses both. You wouldn’t ask a wheelchair bound person to quit pulling that lazy s**t and get up and walk, would you?? Furthermore, I believe it is degrading to Myrrh and her sitch if you refer to her husband as an SOB and a putz.

Myrrh,
Don’t let the negativity get you down. He’s home, Sweetie! And he promised you that he’d stay there. It is going to take some time to get the wrinkles ironed out and you both are dealing with ingrained behaviors that need changing. All of us would be slightly frustrated by the things you were…and you did the right thing by venting those frustrations here and not to your H’s face!

We all agree that we need to work on boundaries. In my sitch, it is definitely imperative to find a method of boundary setting that works for both my PA (and subsequently SOB, I suppose) husband and myself. I’m sure this is where you stand too, and these things take time. I must say though, you are making an excellent start by keeping your plans Saturday morning and passing down some responsibility to your husband. That deserves a GO YOU!!! for sure!

What I once told CBH, to keep the resentment from creeping up behind you make sure that you do for him only what you can do without attaching a price tag. For instance, if you do his laundry, do it because you would like to and not because you expect something in return. If you can do this, you will be spared resentment.

Myrrh, the positives in your sitch are there – for those who choose to see them. I can see them, Betsey can see them, and most importantly – YOU can see them! If listing the positives in the black and white would help YOU then do so.

[Underdog]

Oh, Meredith, we are on the same wavelength today--I was just about to recommend to Myrrh to list them out for herself so that she can see concrete evidence of her progress as well.

Myrrh, get your ever-working mind working! Put them out here for us to see and I think it's going to give you some incredible PMA today.

Dazed, I agree with Meredith and want to add one more thing. There is an unspoken rule here on the board... that is, Myrrh can vent about her H and what goes on between them, but we do not.

This serves a huge purpose. Yes, we should validate her and help her see the progress. But remember, she loves her SOB H and her SOB H loves her and has recently come home. This says much in the grand scheme.

But most importantly, Myrrh has enough residual anger, resentment and anxiety to deal with on her own--without having any one of us add more to her bubbling cauldron. She's working very hard at addressing her own reactions, which ultimately set off some PA behaviors in her H.

She finds value in working at her M to her H--so our purpose here is to help HER identify behaviors and words that we see here that help us guide her to the right path.

I don't want to discourage you from giving us your feedback, because undoubtedly you have some insight as well. But it doesn't help to point out the problems--we have quite a good handle on most of them.

Where we need your help is finding solutions.

And that is my two cents worth.

Hugs to all,

Betsey

[dazedboy]

Obviously I meant no disrespect to you. I wouldn't have taken time to read/post if I wasn't interested in your situation. I am a little confused at the change in tone since your earlier posts. If it was just your way of releasing anger toward something other than your H, I misunderstood the intent of the post.

There may be things to justify about him and your sitch, but can all of it be, if it makes you so angry and uncomfortable?

[Lyrael]

Betsey and Mer-
That's pretty much what I thought you guys would say - *hugs* all around.
Okay- positives...
1) My H is making sure I always know where he is and what he's doing - definitely working at the trust/dependability thing.
2) He is making an effort to pick up his dirty clothes, etc.
3) I get lots of snuggles and love when he does get home - enough to keep me VERY happy.
4) We can talk about the stuff that's going on without the convo's completely devolving into a screaming match/insult hurling session.
5) We are both FIRMLY committed to our marriage now, and to making it work.
6) He is meeting me halfway on my efforts to become more understanding, by listening and validationg my feelings (even if he can't always work out the behavior).
7) HE'S HOME!!!!!
8) We are doing a lot of dreaming/planning for the future together!

Whew - now my cauldron is bubbling with PMA! And you are very right Bets, about me having quite enough strife on my own - I even have to be careful which threads I visit, so I don't inadvertently set off my own little pot of rage/resentment/anxiety - I think this is part of what led to the blowup.

You two, don't ever underestimate how much support you've given me over the past month or two. Having a solid cheering section has done me and my M more good than you can know. I couldn't have gotten this far without you!

Hughughug,
Myrrh

P.S> I do love my SOB H . He's a nice fishie most of the time - I think I need to get a new plant for his pond.

[dazedboy]

My Dear Ladies, (Underdog, Meredith, Lyrael)

Please accept my humble apologies and true remorse for the misunderstandings. I do also appreciate the education of the unwritten rule. It does make sense and I will abide by it in the future. I will plead the martian defense and try not to step on any more toes today. (Bad dazedboy, ,Bad dazedboy, )

All the best.....