Lovethehub.....I was really blind to her needs.. I'm hating myself for it. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and hope you can work it out. Thanks for your input..
Blue, I just reread my post, it was more about me than I meant. I was trying to show you how your wife felt but also, what happens when one pursues - I didn't mean to go on and on about me!
I hope you are feeling better today. Every day is up and down, you will start to get this and you will start to feel better.
I don't remember if you read Divorce Remedy, if not, read it right away.
It is not necessarily too late to show her you get it and you are sorry but if you want that chance, you have to let her go and give her the space she needs.
Start becoming the man you want to be and the man she needs you to be.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
All I can tell you is...it does get better. The first weeks after my BD I wallowed in self pity, and pain. But I started GAL'ing, and focusing on me instead of my WAW. I started doing hobbies I put off, going to the gym, and going out on my own.
Am I 100%...no sir. But, I have made significant improvements and increased my self worth and confidence. Of course it helped that a young lady took notice of me. I didnt act on it, but it proved that there was life after D from the W, and that I didnt have to be afraid, nor tethered to someone who no longer loved me. That neediness disappeared.
I still wait at a distance for my WAW to come around, but at this time I expect nothing. Just give your W space, and when she speaks...listen to her, really listen, and validate her feelings...even if they hurt you. Put your best face forward, especially around the kids. Make sure your dressed up in new clothes and groomed. Be the man your W wants to be around.
I am hoping things turn out for the best for you...but take care of yourself first...and the rest may fall into place.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Limbo...thank you for posting those encouraging words! I really appreciate the support. I'm glad you were able to get out of bed and find this site. I too have faith and have been praying harder and more than ever in my life. I hope you're doing well. I read some about the latest in your situation. You're a strong woman with a kind heart.
Lovethehub, I'm glad you wrote the post. It gave me some additional insight. I wish my W would have told me just how unhappy she was earlier in our marriage. I missed all the signs and when she finally told me it then seems too late to correct.. I just don't understand why it has to be so final or how you can love someone just 6 months ago and then erase all good memories and change the course of your entire life in a seeming instant. I just thought we were in a phase and would work through the issues.....I was wrong. Nothing occurred between us that I want to get a divorce over. I really need to emotionally detach from W. Every time we interact she's able to emotionally break me all over again. Letting go seems like more of a process than an event. It's filled with memories, identity, co-dependency, companionship, support, and comfort not to mention the loss of seeing my DD's every day, my home, and possessions. There is a sense of comfort in a persons home that I've taken for granted. It's a refuge from the outside world that's not easily recreated. Sorry for rambling...my mind is racing and won't stop. I know my wife is manipulating/testing me on a regular basis with her words and actions. She knows me sometimes better than I know myself.
Swede, Thanks for giving me hope. It's taking me a while to catch on but I realize that GAL is important. Its been hard to deal with all the life changes at once when you're abruptly asked to leave not to mention the emotions. I've been reading where the WAW had the same emotional issues but went through the grieving process months before. It seems so unreasonable not to tell your spouse how unhappy you are before you get to the point of separation and contemplating divorce.....obviously I'm not the expert on relationships.
Saw your response to LTH. And you are right on. I know I am coming off easy...but trust me, I was where you were in April. It is extremely hard to walk away from everything. Your W, kids, home, ect...but your not really walking away. As a matter of fact, you can use this time to become close to the kids without crowding the W.
As you have read...theres no point trying to understand the WAS. As you stated, they began detaching months, if not years prior to BD. The script they speak of is pretty common, and heart breaking for we LBS's who were clueless prior to BD. All those good times? Great nights? Great sex? Yeah...they dont remember them at all. But they do remember every single thing that annoys them about you, and every slight you ever made. This is why LRT is so important. No amount of persuing will bring them back.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Swede, W told me on Tuesday that the last good memory she has of us was when we got engaged almost 13 years ago. I have so many cards and pictures of her proclaiming her love. I just don't understand it. It's just heart breaking. I read about so many guys who do horrible things to their wives and they're forgiven and taken back over and over again. I just don't get it.
Script. Nonsense. You can brush those comments off with "im sorry to hear you feel that way. I remember it differently." If you let pure script derail you youre going to make things harder on yorself than necessary.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
