Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[MrBond]

"I'm not asking her to give the marriage a try, I'm asking her to give living together a try."

To be fair, you didn't give her a choice. It was "I'm moving back, take it or leave it".

"I never anticipated that things would be positive after I moved back. In fact, I'am conscious of the fact that w doesn't want me here."

Just dropping things off without telling her doesn't seem very conscious.

"Yes you're right Bond. I didn't really have the right opportunity to tell w I'm moving back. I could have laid it on her somewhere, somehow, but I'm not lying when I tell you we have hardly any opportunities to talk because were either in the house with the kids, or were doing totally separate things."

More excuses. You were there with her, that's all you needed. Bottom line is I think you were afraid.

"It can be very frustrating at times, but I'am learning how to detach now."

Doesn't matter what YOU feel. It matters how SHE feels.

"My allies are patience and GAL. I do feel that this is irreparable sometimes. My thoughts sometimes go there, but other times I feel optimistic."

You're still not listening. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU FEEL! IT MATTERS HOW SHE FEELS.

"She doesn't, but I'm confident that those days are over."

Go back and read the "she doesn't" part. She has no guarantee, but you expect her to deal with it.

"I've been through a few of the 5 stages of loss already. I've moved on emotionally. I still feel sadness, but to a much lower degree. I have more control over myself now."

But she has no guarantee and neither do you.

"I don't know what other options I have besides giving her the D she wants, or DBing."

You don't understand what DBing is. The first rule of DB is to change the behaviors that your spouse saw as negative. Your erratic behavior and not really listening to her were her biggest issues with you. And you're still doing it by just showing up and then not giving her a plan.

"My self esteem is coming back and I'am trying to be as compassionate and loving as possible."

She doesn't want that from you. She wants space because she doesn't trust you.

"This in the midst of w criticizing and putting me down. I'am not buying her angry projections, but I must say it is hard to experience that."

See? You haven't learned anything. She was pushing you away because of your erratic actions. You haven't taken responsibility for anything.

"I cannot do anything but continue to be the best father I can be, and to try my hardest to be as loving as possible to w."

NO! That's not what SHE wants.

"W said we already tried that and it didn't work. She said she thinks that problem is insurmountable because it is the very fabric of our individual nature. I disagree, what do you think?"

It doesn't matter what I or YOU think. What matters is what SHE thinks.

"I think M is about compromise, learning how to meet half way. It's not my way or the highway! I want an equal partnership."

Again, you're talking about what YOU want. You haven't even discussed what SHE wants. Your whole post was about you.

"What can I start to do to build more trust?"

You can start by stopping the surprises.

"W only looks for the negative in me. She doesn't see me, she doesn't see the good in me.She doesn't want to. I see the good in me."

Who cares what YOU see. Bottom line is that she left you because you were selfish and erratic in your actions throughout your M. She detailed it very well in the letter she wrote to you. But you seem to have ignored everything she mentioned and continue to do what YOU want to do. That was her biggest gripe. She feels she has no control over what happens because you just do whatever you feel like doing. When you were gone, she was happy because she felt that she could do what she wanted to. But now you're still trying to control the situation.

And you still haven't talked about a PLAN that you can talk about. You seem to be making every excuse to avoid it. You want to know how you can start? Come up with a plan for this living situation. Because this is YOUR decision to move back, if she wants to date other people, she should have the right to do so without any judgement from you.

[dorightman]

To be fair, you didn't give her a choice. It was "I'm moving back, take it or leave it".

Right, I messed up, point taken.

Just dropping things off without telling her doesn't seem very conscious.

I was aware of the fact that it was wrong. I had no other choice in the moment. I had time constraints and pressure to leave town for work. Where I went wrong was in not discussing it with w before hand.

More excuses. You were there with her, that's all you needed. Bottom line is I think you were afraid.

Yes there was some fear involved.

Go back and read the "she doesn't" part. She has no guarantee, but you expect her to deal with it.

Yes, I want to prove to her that I'am not going to make her feel unsafe anymore. I'am in control of myself and will not freak out in front of her anymore. If she has a problem with me being here, I will deal with it. In fact, her response after the initial anger was acceptance and she gave me instructions to take care of the kids more and to take on more family responsibilities. I'am happy to oblige.

Thank you Bond. I respect your opinions and I thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

My plan is to be as helpful as possible to my family. To be the best father and friend to my w as possible. To listen to my w, and honor her wishes to the best of my ability. To stop acting in controlling ways. To stop acting in selfish and erratic ways. To give her as much space and time as she needs. She has the right to date other people without my judgement. I love her and my kids Bond. They are everything to me.

[MrBond]

"If she has a problem with me being here, I will deal with it."

How? This is what I mean by having a plan. You can't figure out what to do WHEN it happens, you have to figure that out beforehand. And in a way that she feels safe with. That way you're showing responsibility and that you're concerned about her needs.

"In fact, her response after the initial anger was acceptance and she gave me instructions to take care of the kids more and to take on more family responsibilities."

You didn't mention this part before. So again, what do you plan to do if something does happen again?

[dorightman]

If it doesn't work out, me being at home, I will have to move out again. I can find a new living situation if necessary. Just not sure how I can afford it. Could sleep at a friends house or camp out

[MrBond]

Again, that's not a plan. You have to make it more specific and definite. For example, give her a code word to say when she feels uncomfortable. Then when you hear it, you are to leave, no questions asked. No debating and no fighting. You need to do something like that to give her some kind of assurance.

[dorightman]

Ok, I will do that. That makes alot of sense, thanks Bond! We have a therapy session next week and will discuss.

[dorightman]

Going to mc with w tonight or next week. What should I say or not say? Do I keep to Sandi's rules in mc?

[MrBond]

I don't know how many times I can say this. COME UP WITH A PLAN AND PRESENT IT.

[MrBond]

So how did C go?

[dorightman]

Not till next week!

Journaling, I just can't seem to wrap my head around how w feels the need to d when all Ive been saying since BD is I'll do whatever it takes to work things out!
Why does she think things wouldn't change if we worked through them? Why would she think I wouldn't want to change? It seems obvious to me that while she was unhappy, so was I! All the blame is on me, why wouldn't she understand that she also played a part in how I felt and reacted ? Why would she choose d rather then trying to give us a second chance based on all the work Ive been doing?