Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

Hi,
I am intrigued by the ying/yang, Cain/Able, Tom/Jerry? haha relationship you guys have.

Ouch. When I see that someone else is reducing my M to those terms, I realize I need to be a little more careful with how I present both it and my H.

It sure seems to me you are being played.

It used to seem that way to me, too. BUT (and there is a but), that was back when I wasn't willing to realize what my part in this was. You have to understand that there are 3 years of out-of-control behavior on my part - including a couple of months of almost unceasing suicidal threats/gestures. My anger isn't always justifiable, sometimes it's just RAGE - leftover from the rejection and abandonment I experienced when I was little. Right now the issue I'm working on is my own inability to express my emotions in a healthy and direct way, and to not express them at all until I can do that.

Who does this guy think he is with all the passive/agressive s**t he is pulling.

I'm sorry to disagree, but I don't think P/A is necessarily always a conscious effort to screw with me (if ever). It's a set of deeply ingrained defense mechanisms that he has had his whole life, just like my tendency to go ballistic and to create conflict where there is none is not something I do to screw with him; rather it's an old set of habits that I am working hard to overcome.

As strong as you are, will you please just step back and define some boundaries for this guy?

Perhaps when I can do that in a healthy, non-raging way, I will. But until then, he does okay. While he does come home late sometimes, I always know where he is, and can ALWAYS call him if I want/need to talk or just reassure myself he is where he said he was going to be.

Coming by and just dropping dirty laundry in the middle of the floor is such a demeaning thing to do. It borders on degrading.

I suppose it would is he had just "come by" and done it, but he lives with us now, and I TOLD him to bring the laundry home so I could do the rest of it. In my absolute fury of the other day, that was just something else to complain about.

There comes a time when I don't care how much you think you love the SOB,

Wow, if I don't really love him, what the hell am I doing married to "the SOB" as you so kindly referred to him.

there are things you have to stand up for.

He actually has started picking up his dirty clothes when he takes them off since I said something. I don't know how much more I could have stood up for myself the other day- I tend to think I went EXTREMELY overboard.

With his attitude, he is not seeing such a wonderful Flylady, he is seeing someone he is able to control and walk on.

I don't feel very controlled. I am happy that he is starting to feel like he can count on me to be an equal partner, rather than a needy child. He tell sme all the time how beautiful the house looks (which I didn't mention in my earlier post, to be fair to you).

Could some of your anger be because you are allowing this, and perpetuating the sitch..? There are guys out here that would love to be in a R with someone like you, with that spunk and vitality. Your H doesn't see what he has now.

(low chuckle) I think he does. You see, I only come to the board when I am irritated, confused, or feel I'm losing my direction. Perhaps I need to post some more of the positives from my M, so it doesn't sound so darn bad all the time.

Maybe it's time to not only set those boundaries, but go a little dark on him and let him see what he will be missing.

I'm not sure, but I think you're implying I just stop doing all the housework, laundry, etc, and stop any loving behavior. I think that would eb alittle counter-productive right now. I am realyl proud of what I'm doing, and to stop right now wouldn't be good for my PMA.

He is such a putz... Thanks for letting me vent all over this guy.

Thank you for venting - if only because it made me realize how negative I was sounding. He isn't a putz. He's a wonderful guy most of the time, or I sure as hell wouldn't be involved with him. He hasn't done anything remotely shady in months, and he actually listened to part of my tirade the other nigth apparently (since he is making the effort to pick up after himself). The anger comes from me not taking care of myself - more specifically, from not getting enough sleep. That makes me crazy.

Take a stand, you deserve better than what you are getting right now.

Gee, I am pretty satisfied with what I have right now, but maybe I'm just stupid like that.

I'd be interested in Betsey and Mer's comments on this post.

Thanks,
Myrrh