MT last week - I had to go there... said that I needed clarification of our direction with therapy. Which leads to, if we were to rebuild a R, what would that look like? I feel so lost about how to reconnect with H and where to start, where would that go? C asked H if he had thought about that & he kinda scoffed & said 'no! He's been mainly focusing on R with dds.' It was amusing... but I restated that I did not want our old R back & would only be interested in building a new one with H.
H did say that he's seen this 'nice' version of me before and that it doesn't last... I tried to validate but don't have clear picture of what he's talking about. Anger? Yes, I had reason to be angry. C offered that I wasn't that approachable in the past & I acknowledged that is true too.
We've been communicating a little more, mostly because d18 is graduating from hs tomorrow! I'm nervous about the many days of contact with H and extended family.
To that note, my dad is arriving today, he lives many states away & rarely visits. H sent a text last night & asked if we had plans for fathers day. I felt sad for him & called... I know he feels like he's walking on egg shells around dds. But also he's not taking any responsibility for it because we've been in therapy now for 2.5 months all geared toward his parenting & he hasn't followed many of the steps to rebuild with dds...
I asked if he was doing anything Sunday and invited him to breakfast with family & my dad. He actually said, 'no, i'm sure your dad doesn't have a very high opinion of me right now'. I just replied 'my dad will be fine with whatever I do'. BUT that felt a little major for me because - this entire last year my H has not vocalized ANYTHING about being wrong, admitting he's been an ass, admitting his actions were at all unkind. So it felt like an actual awareness for him to realize - hey, some people may not think to kindly of me because of my actions. Even at concert last February when he saw my sister & family, he went up & acted like nothing was wrong & hugged them & I thought he had brass balls to act like nothing was wrong.
I offered for him to see girls on father's day (me again doing too much, but I felt sorry for him). He said he hadn't heard anything from them & figured they were busy. I told him it's his day & he can take initiative & make plans for him & girls! That's what I had to do on mother's day! He said on phone that he's been feeling really good about things with girls lately and they've seemed more friendly with him. I validated & asked the magic question we learned in therapy - 'is there anything I can do for you? anything I can do to help?'. He said no but thanks.
So I just need strength to continue with patience and keeping positive changes going. It's been a very stressful week and I've lost it a couple times with kids not helping. But it's just a little bump in the day now, whereas a year ago it would have started a few days of war. And I can mostly be aware & recognize the stress wave as it approaches.
