Hey Blue, sorry you find yourself here, but keep posting.
Couple of questions....have you read DR/DB yet? If not, start there. After that, I suggest The Five Love Languages.
Definitely back off the pressure...you need to leave her be for a while and focus on yourself. This is really really hard....I get it, but it's the path forward.
As others have said, GAL is extremely important....it'll help keep your mind off the negatives and help build your self esteem. Get involved in something, preferably where you can meet some new people.
The other thing to focus on is improving yourself. What are some things you don't like about your role in the marriage? What are some things you'd like to change about you? Think about your W's complaints, as well as your own. Make a list, and start working on them. You are going to have to change....really change for your W to want back in. She doesn't want to go back to the old marriage and my guess is that neither do you.
It sounds like I walked away for the same reasons as your W. I spent years practically begging my H to spend time with me but it didn't happen. I believed that he was out of our M and I made the poor choice to have an A based on what I thought was true. I had days were I truly wanted to leave but deep down I never wanted our M to be over, I just couldn't deal with the pain and the loneliness any longer.
When he found out about the A, he started doing all of the things I had asked for but by then, I didn't care and they didn't feel real to me. The more he wanted to talk about things the more turned off I became.
I personally found that MC made things worse.
Eventually, he stopped pursuing and we sort of settled into a routine. It wasn't great, we were still together and we started to make progress.
He saw me hugging OM, it was innocent but there was no reason for him to believe that. This is when I became LBS. For months I pursued, we tried on and off, eventually he said he was done and I knew he meant it. I found DB/DR and began applying the principles.
I don't know what will happen. We are "together" but we are not "creating a new marriage" YET. I believe if I keep focusing on me, figuring myself out and growing as a person, that will come. I don't know but I do believe.
Your W must see the changes in you and believe them to be real. You giving her everything she has been asking for is more upsetting and a turn off at this point than anything. You are only doing it, and only hearing her, because she left.
Work on yourself. Let her know you are there for her when she is ready to come to you. Don't chase.
Yes, hard. Hard to go dark when being distant was your thing. MWD is very specific that when you are S or spouse has CLEARLY STATED
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
CLEARLY STATED they want a divorce, you MUST LRT. So LRT. Be as nice as you can during your interactions, but show her your GAL. Let her know you are there for her but also getting your life together.
It's confusing, the vets help explain it better!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Hi Bluedown~~~I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I had a magic wand to take all of our pain away. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I do know the only way we can make it is to go through it and get on the other side. We are in this together.
Limbo....thanks for checking on me. I've had a lot of contact and relationship talk with W this week. 90% of it was initiated by her. My W has changed into a different woman that I don't recognize. She's no closer to wanting to reconcile than when we started this almost 90 days ago. I'm overwhelmed by my emotions. I couldn't get out bed yesterday and called in sick to work. I'm having a rough time with this. I miss my wife and kids so much.
Blue, I'm really sorry you are in so much pain. Take care of yourself. I have been there... when work seemed too much. When everything seemed too much. Do you have an independent counselor? Mine helped me so much when my pain and grief seemed so overwhelming. ((((((((((((BIG Hug to Blue))))))))))))))))))
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Hi Blue~~ I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I know that pain. I too did not want to get out of bed and as a matter of fact I didn't for a few days. But then~~I am going to be totally honest with you and it might even give you a smile...I stunk!! I mean it. No shower for a few days and wallowing in my bed. So I took the longest, hottest shower I could. Screamed at the top of my lungs while in the shower. Got dressed, put clean sheets on the bed and then hit the Internet looking for something, anything to help me with this pain. And you know what??? I found this site and these amazing people. I don' t know what I would have done.
I have had some really bad times and I went to some really BAD places inside myself that I never thought I would go to. And the people here got me through. You cannot do this alone. Period. You just can't. I also am trying to stand very strong in my faith in the Lord. It scares me to think it out loud but I would not be here right now if not for my faith in God and these people who are like angels on earth to me. That pain just rips apart your very soul. But....
Start by just taking deep breaths. It helps. I pray constantly. If that is not your thing, don't worry I got you covered . Get out and feel the sun on your face. Come here and let it all out. Start a journal where you can name call and say anything you want. Heck I do that on here. There is no judgement here. We are all in this walking the same awful road but at different streets...Eat cake for dinner.what ever you need to do to start taking baby steps FORWARD. Will you have backward days...oh yes my friend you are talking to the backward queen.
I know you miss your old life. Right there with you Blue. Who's to say what is on the other side of the tunnel?? You have to stay strong and want to be doing this. I am right beside you walking with you. And I will pick you up and help you move forward. You hang on Blue. Like Winnie the Pooh said to Christopher Robin.
You are braver that you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Whatever I can do to help~~I am here. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
