Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

I keep going back to my W, the A, and the AP. Why? So I was thinking about what someone on the forum told me recently. (One of you amazing people!) It was along the lines of, "we focues on the S, the OP and the A as a way to avoid our own feelings."

As I drove to work today, the AP invaded my head and I felt pain. I just tried to talk it out with myself. Outloud. (Oh how I must have looked to other drivers!)

For my journal and restrospection later it produced this:

"OK RT. If you are thinking about the AP what are you trying to avoid feeling? Are you trying to avoid the thought that you really are done and ready to move on? You've been talking and thinking that a lot lately. No that's not it. I don't really want my M to end. I don't mean that when I say it. I want her to come home and I want us to put all of this behind us and move forward."

"OK RT. So whay are you refocusing on the A and AP so much lately? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my W will end our M permanently and leave me for the AP."

"RT, thinking about them only causes you pain. W may end the M and leave you for AP but at that point you will have resolution. Limbo and wondering what they are doing will no longer be a struggle for you every day and you can move forward. You can find peace."

"So from now on RT, when the AP or the A, or a memory pain from W invades your thoughts you will recognize that it is there because you are afraid she will divorce you and choose the AP. You will say that to yourself so that the vision in your head doesn't have power. The feeling has the power and then you will sit with the fear of W divorcing you and you will comfort yourself through it. You will remind yourself that you are not in control of your W's decisions and allow yourself a few minutes to grieve what you've already lost instead of fearing what you might lose."

AN UPDATE: My needy, affection-starved, monster child won last night and I texted my W at bedtime. "Sweet dreams. Thinking of you." She texted back "XO". I'm not dissapointed in myself or viewing it as a mistake. It is what it is. I missed her and wanted to tell her. Bump in the DB road.