Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

Thank you BF! I am glad to inspire!

So the thing that H asked for was his key to his car, which I half own. I thought about it, and with a reminder from him again last night decided to give it to him, but made sure that I got mine in return.

I know it was petty for me to even think not giving it to him, but found that to let him go fully, I need to let every aspect of him go, even minimalistic possessions that are attached to H.

I do see this as a sign of no return for him. I know I am analyzing again, but that is what I see. It crushes my heart every time I relinquish pieces of H. But, I know this must be done for not only him, but for myself as well.

I know I asked directly if anyone saw hope in my sitch yesterday. Call it a moment in my journey where I questioned me. Doing nothing about the sitch and sitting patiently...still doing it and I seem pretty settled in doing this...but I have to say that my gut is telling me I need to fight for him and profess my undying devotion and love to him. Ugh! Just the thought of that is sickening to me, because the hurt and anguish that he caused me should really negate those feelings. I wish I could feel strong enough to tell him to go fvck off. He owes me a lot to R with me, and the longing feelings of him really apologizing with meaning and remorse is something I hope I get one day!

I think I am moving along in this journey okay. Still not over H, but the desparation of trying to cling to H, wondering, worrying, etc...have subsided a lot.

I keep forgetting how early I am in my sitch. It takes comments from others that say 2 years, 1 year, 18 months, for me to really realize how long this could go on. Even comments about NC for 2 months or that early on no positive signs or progression were seen by others with their MLC'er. ILYBNILY came on 11/27 for me...so I am going on 7 months from that day. Wow, 7 months sure has felt like years. Not sure I can last as long as others with things like this, but the way I look at it, I have no choice as I am forever tied to this man because of our boys. Something I will always cherish as I will forever have a part of him in my life through them. And not because H will come around, but I see MY true H in my boys all the time.

Funny, H and I have two boys together and no other children for either of us. One looks like me, but acts like him, and the other is the opposite and looks like H, but acts like me. He could never deny that these are his children. And honestly, because of them, it makes it so hard to forget about H, I will always have a reminder of memories.

I know that is what happened with me yesterday with the car key. I remember saying to H that it was time to get him a new car, going to pick it out, and his smiling face when we signed the papers. I know, silly. But I do remember it vividly. But with relinquishing the car key to him, several thoughts passed through my mind...1-Him giving the key to OW, 2-Him selling the car, 3-him locking me out of another part of his life. I guess all fears really, but ones I released by giving him the key back. Which was part of the decision to give it to him rather than saying it was lost...lol!

So I guess that is a progression for me, I am slowly releasing H to the Wild! I wish he would let me take care of him, support him, and work on us. I think everyone deserves second chances.

I also had a little feeling of regret last night that I didn't pursue the conversation with him last week regarding his problems at work. I know I did the right thing, but part of me is curious of his life. But, if I gained that knowledge during our interaction, it probably would have lingered with me and become my burden. One's I didn't want to bear as I have enough on my plate already.

Sorry this is such a long post this morning, but I am trying to work through some things...

Have a good morning everyone.