hope your day is okay. i never got back over to my own thread to look over your last NOTE. as usual, stuff to think over and you're kind to lump yourself with me. it's weird how sameie these wierd guys sound. my h never was a big "image" guy with the cards and flowers.
i always remembered THO that my ex-husband WAS - he did things the "right way" and professed his love ALOT- but (AND IT WAS A BIG BUT) HIS actions DID NOT MATCH UP to his words either.
this h - his words are hard & hard to hear (or non-existent). his actions (last couple years) are & always have been - more generous and kindly.
(WELL- EXCEPT FOR HIS GIANT GIANT TREASONOUS ow sitch) how to juggle that with otherwise person he is (was?) don't even know which is which-
WOULD THE REAL H PLEASE STNAD UP?
ANYWAY- just your comment about him not being a "cards & flowers" kind of guy ever.
oh well huh? bad sore throat this a.m.- those little guys in middle school were all coughing & sick on monday- sure it's them. I HAVE TO REMEMBER to wash my hands more & use a little anti-bacterial thing I guess. i usually avoid them- i think too much anti bacterial junk around. & we're breeding super-bacteria that are resistent from sooooooo much contact.
I THINK in life i'm having "information overload" from media- news- magazines "them" computer, etc.
ever wonder how nice life must have been before you had every single talking device bombarding you with constant info about what to eat- what pills to take - what problems you have or should look forward to, etc.?????
it's insane. i'm not thinking of one bad thing today- (well, aside from wondering if my mother is sick also- i fixed her a sandwich last nite after work - cripes !!!!! don't even want to think about THAT...
ANYWAY - YOU ARE SOOOO RIGHT about the fact that we are our own worst enemies with the "over thinking". i don't kn ow how one becomes someone else - (well- ditchign the bad bits anyway)
i'm working on it tho- i've spent whole days and not thought of h - maybe til bedtime. something about end of the day & getting in bed that reminds me what i do not have at this time. (like that????? i'm not viewing it as forever gone- (him or anyone) merely - AT THIS TIME.
anyway- late at nite & first thing in morning are my bad times- im getting better. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN EXACTLY ABOUT BEING "TAKEN CARE OF". IT is a notion i love.
I'm not sure at all about life. I've always managed somehow- i would not say i'm a big take-charge kinda woman. i'm more a "deal with what you get given" kind of girl.
the couple times on my own - in an apartment - i've been poor poor poor. i have to admit I REALLY DO LIKE feeling like there is someone else in my life - a SAFETY NET OF SORTS. i find that feeling very darn hard to let go of. maybe it's merely our primordial urge to do what is best for our survival.
lets face it- we have instincts that tell us to aly ourselves with a man. I'd say it's a very big instinct in women. PERIOD- NOT A VALUE JUDGEMENT OR ANYTHING ELSE. it's like being a scardy cat (which i am) - prudent to the point of pain.
i'm thinking it is not such a bad thing to take one's time, be painfully careful, etc. if you stack it up against all the stupid movies we see - which lets face it- THEY ARE STINKING ENTERTAINMENT- MOVIES... not real life.
my vote is do what we're doing. i don't usually have this much clarity of vision. just a blip this morning. i do not see that you or I could be doing anything else (if we are to keep our brains functioning). this business of grand gestures, etc. to make a show for who??? they may have a giant (good) effect - they may not...
you'll get there- my working is reinforcing in my head how much i like getting out and interacting. and it always surpr9ses me because i'm a person with alot of big interests that are pretty much solitary and i've always enjoyed my privacy and alone time.
HOWEVER - it's good. i make friends easily- i'm not a big "activity" kinda gal- but i do like people and the kids. i like to laugh (alot) and i like to learn about people - it's interesting....
the $$ is not great- it's still too "iffy" if i need to support myself-
i don't feel bad about dragging my feet. sometimes i feel pressured by EVERYONE ELSE - but remind myself they can all go to #ell really- at the end of the day i'm the person dealing with being TOTALLY ALONE. YOU TOO- remain true to dawn-
FUNNY you saying i am independent. I am - but i'm insecure too. have always been a worryier in life. i always thought it was a "strength" of mine- knowing my weaknesses & being willing to work with them & around them- and /or ask for help when i needed it. i see no value in being "strong" if it causes you to go down with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
i was thinking the other nite i just would like someone to "take care of me" also. oh well-
maybe i'll get it- maybe you will - maybe not. that's the $uck part of real life. we'll bumble thru-
okay- sick but have a ton to do today since they did not call me to work. i'm secretly glad since i feel like pooh- but guilty (of course- what else would i be? see, my insanity. guilty to be sick!!!!
oh man- i sure could use a brain over-haul to get rid of all the neurotic & counter-productive parts. oh wait- that would be a lobotomy- we do not think so- erase that notion...
been reading "a beautiful mind" and at part of the aAWful TORturous treatments they used to do to and give schizophrneic people back in the 50s - thank God we're sane....
HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOOD- DID YOU GET THE LAUGHING BUDDHA? MADE me laugh because i have a laughing buddha in the kitchen- i just liked him- BUDDHA SAYS IT'S OUR destiny & right to be happy...
& a foo dog also- hey- and i also painted my door way molding blue - keep out those evil spirits (one door only- need to do other two i guess to truly keep them out!!!)
love ya- and hang on and have a good day. smell the flowers & today lets enjoy being alive & sane & nothing more. well, you can enjoy your kids & projected grand kid. xxxxoooo ((()))
