There are others that use to post here that still have their spouses and ex-spouses still on the lam. So, you can't go by what you read here. It takes as long as it takes and some come out and recover nicely and others remain stuck and become bitter old people.
Linda, I really don't care whether he comes out or not because he's not my problem.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, at least your xh had the sense to use something that would hold more than a paperbag. I have a feeling that this is going to take him weeks to do and that he is doing it purposefully. I don't think he really wants to leave but is being pulled by a force beyond his control.
He seems to be slowly saying goodbye with his behavior. The guilt seems to be manifesting itself in different ways. This morning after he got up and showered he came back into the bedroom and stood over me. I felt him there but didn't open my eyes. He leaned down, kissed me, smoothed my hair down with his hand and whispered I love you. It took every ounce of strength that I had to keep my eyes closed and act as if I was sleeping. I wanted to burst into tears but held back until after I was sure he was gone.
He's hired someone to do the yardwork, left a bundle of cash for me to use in case I need it for emergencies and hired someone to paint the exterior of the house. We built this home just 5 years ago as our retirement home and it doesn't need to be painted! Last night he told me that he was goining to be spending Wednesday night at the new house but that I was welcome at the new house whenever I wanted and didn't need an invitation. Hmmm, he didn't offer a key so I guess I'll have to call ahead just as he will when he comes here. I don't think I'll be visiting him anytime soon.
His behavior is also causing him some issues at work. He's just been back at work for 6 weeks and he told me that he made a huge mistake that could cost him his job. He's doing damage control and hopes that it's recoverable. Apparently he overstepped his bounds and took control of someone else's project which is typical for him....taking control of everything that he's involved in. Anyway, it would be a wakeup call for him to be let go. He works at a company that employs people with very big egos. That's part of the reason why he was tired of working for this particular company but then turned around a year later and took them up on their offer to come back. If he weren't in the state of mind he is in he would have turned them down flat when they offered.
Thanks again for the reminder about things disappearing when you're not looking. I know that he will be back for more things as time goes on. I really don't want to put a time limit on when he needs to get everything that he wants out of the house but I have a feeling that I will eventually have to do that. The locksmith will be here tomorrow instead of today. Oh well, I should be back home by the time he gets off work so I will be able to supervise any moving activity tonight.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Snodderly, I found this on one of the threads you and Wonka found for me yesterday. It made me think of your xH, the perpetual teenager.�
From "Men in Midlife Crisis" by Jim Conway:
The question repeatedly asked of me is, "What if he doesn't make it through these stages? What if he only goes as far as anger, or depression, or withdrawal?" The answer to that question is tragically simple. If a man does not progress through the stages, but for one reason or another stops along the way, then he will probably experience a prolonged period of trauma. He will likely experience recurring cycles of midlife crisis during the next fifteen to twenty years.
As he comes to retirement, he will then be struggling with two stressful developmental stages at the same time---midlife and retirement. At that point he will verbally kick himself---"Why didn't I think about making changes back in midlife, instead of blindly doing the same dumb things for the alst twenty years?"
If he fails to resolve his midlife crisis, then his third settling-down stage following his midlife crisis, which should have been marked by a great deal of peace, will instead be marked by unsettledness and continual anguish. He is similar to the person who never quite makes it through the adolescent transition into young adulthood. That person forever tries to be a teenager. The man who doesn't make it successfully through his midlife crisis will forever try to be a young adult.
A few men whom I have counseled have deeply concerned me, because I was afraid they would not make it completely through all of the stages. Thus far, however, I have only seen a few who have not made it all the way. In later years these men have become angrey that they did not use the midlife crisis time to improve their lives. But the good news is that successful men who make it all the way are more focused, highly motivated, and have a long season of peace and prosperity.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
From "Men in Midlife Crisis" by Jim Conway: If he fails to resolve his midlife crisis, then his third settling-down stage following his midlife crisis, which should have been marked by a great deal of peace, will instead be marked by unsettledness and continual anguish. He is similar to the person who never quite makes it through the adolescent transition into young adulthood. That person forever tries to be a teenager. The man who doesn't make it successfully through his midlife crisis will forever try to be a young adult.
This part that Conway talks about as a settling down process is very interesting.
Must admit I never noticed it before when I read the book.
Of course now I know so much more, maybe I should read the book again.
Linda, thanks for posting the Jim Conway quote. I can see more clearly now why this is happening to my h. He did go through a period of buying a sports car, paying more attention to his physical appearance, health etc. about 15 years ago but must have avoided the most important part of his MLC. After reading the Artists Way he did change in some ways but not all good. He became more focused on himself, journaling but has now become even more self centered and more determined to do what HE wants to do without regard to how it effects anyone else around him. As I reflect, I now see that reading the book, doing his "Morning Pages" and writing out his thoughts each and every day may have been the beginning of what I'm seeing now. A full blown MLC. His parents, his sisters and many other difficult stages from his past have been topics of conversation over the past few years. We've visited his parents more often in the past 2-3 years than we have in a very long time. I believe that after reading the book he began to form a new attitude and life. When he says that if his/our friends don't like what he's doing then they aren't his/our friends, I know he's missed the authors point!! (To everyone out there, if your spouse shows any signs of MLC don't let them read that book!) LOL
His mantra that "it's MY time and I'm not going to let ANYONE tell me what to do" is getting really old. I wish I could respond with something profound but I know that whatever I come up with other than validation would be a mistake. Unfortunately, I can't find a way to validate that other than to say that "I understand why you might feel that way". This all so frustrating!
This morning when I went outside to put the garbage can at the curb I found my h halfway down the driveway rolling it to the street. I jokingly asked him if he was stealing my garbage can. He laughed and said that he thought he'd stop by to be sure that I remembered. I thanked him, told him Happy Birthday and that I hoped he had a good day. I turned to walk away and he said he'd call me in a little while. About 5 minutes later the phone rang. I debated whether to answer and decided to give in to temptation. He thanked me again for being so understanding and putting up with his crazy behavior. I acknowledged his "apology" by saying you're welcome and that this can't be easy for him. He rambled for a few more minutes about nothing in particular till I told him that I had to get ready to go out. He wanted to know what I had planned for the day and I avoided specifics. Half an hour later he called again....let the answering machine get it. The phone just rang again and he left a message. Of course it was nothing urgent just asking me if I would make a call the dentist for him. I don't think so, your teeth, your problem. LOL My days of helping him in those ways are over.
Although I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night (alone) I woke up this morning feeling much better than I expected. If I imagine that he's on a business trip for the next 5 years I think I'll get through this.
Cadet and Snodderly, thanks for digging out all of the old posts on Depression, Boundaries etc. They are my lifeline right now. It not only keeps me busy, it helps me understand what is happening in my h's mind and how to best react to the craziness.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
oh NLT, it must be so frustrating to have your H moving into his own home and insisting that this is HIS time on the one hand, and being up your butt with the phone calls, taking out the garbage and visits on the other LOL!
One of the posts Wonka, Cadet and Snodderly found was a list of validating statements. I copied it on my phone, as I have so much trouble with anything more complicated than "I'm sorry you feel like that!" Here are a few of them:
If H talks, just listen. Keep your questions impersonal.
"Sorry I interrupted you, I value what you have to say, please continue."
"You may be right."
For surprising information: "Wow, you think (my computer time was detrimental to the kids)?"
For new info: "Gosh, I didn't realize you thought (I was neglecting the family)."
"I hadn't thought of it that way"
"I can see how it would feel that way"
"I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through"
"I am gonna have to think about that a little more"
"Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that"
"I can see you're really serious about this"
"I see this is important to you"
"I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less
emotional about this"
"I understand why you might feel that way"
"Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough."
"Gee, it must have felt terrible to think that"
"I am sorry that you feel that way"
"I appreciate you being so open and honest with me"
Try and use "Would, will" statements. Do not say "should, could" if you can!!
"Wow, that's a lot to deal with"
"That sounds discouraging"
"That sounds like it would really hurt"
"It sounds like you are really feeling xxxxx"
"It sounds like xxxxx is really important to you"
"I can see that you are really upset"
"Would you like to talk about it"
"That really bothered you, didn't it?"
"How did you feel when xxxxxx?"
"What bothers you the most about it"
"What would help you feel better"
"I can see you are really uncomfortable about this"
"I can understand why you would be upset"
"So, you really felt insulted (or whatever emotion), is that it"[/*]
kml, I like that, a truck with a BIG gun rack in it! If I can find someone with a truck I'd have them park it in the spot that he usually parks his truck. As a matter of fact he parked it there this morning. I guess he doesn't want to disrupt his routine too much quite yet. It's just a matter of time before I pull one of the other cars out of the garage and park it there so he has to park it on the street.
Linda, I think he's already beginning to regret his decision to move. Well, not completely but he's been calling all day again. Btw, yesterday he ended up calling a total of 7 times and texting 3. I responded with 1 text late in the day and answered the phone last evening. Thanks for sending those validation statements. I did copy and paste them and put them in a safe place on my computer.
Today he only called 4 times and texted once twice. Once to tell me that he forgot his dental appt. today! They must have called his cell phone to reconfirm yesterday and he had already forgotten by today?
He came by a bit ago to get his truck. Boy was he surprised when his key didn't work in the door!! I didn't even know he was here until I heard his voice around the back of the house where I had a sliding door open. He didn't say a word about the locks being changed but after chatting for a few minutes about his busy day at work, he fed the cat, asked if he could take a bottle of wine out of the wine cellar, picked up his stack of mail from the counter, looked me straight in the eye and said, "it must be nice sitting here in a nice home". I thought, you are a "victim" by your own choice so don't expect sympathy from me. My mind was racing through the validation statements and I could find one that would fit. My brain immediately went to something that wouldn't have been appropriate so I looked him in the eye and said nothing. I'm going to have to memorize those or print them and carry them around with me in case I'm at a loss again. Anyway, he sort of sighed and humph'd and walked back out the door he came in without saying goodbye. Reality check, bud!
I received a call from one of my daughters yesterday afternoon. She had just gotten off the phone with h. She told me that she had called to wish him a happy birthday and he told her that he was moving to a house that we bought for an investement. She questioned him further and he actually told her about the OW!!!! If there is a positive to this it would be that if he was going to tell any one of the kids, she was the right one to tell. The two boys would have and come over to knock some sense into him. In fact this could be a very good thing. She is away at college in Boston working on her PhD in Clinical Psychology. She is one smart kid. She immediately asked non threatening questions. Here is what he told her:
1. We bought the house as an investment.
2. He told her the ow's name and said that she would probably be moving here soon.
3. That it would be for about a year.
4. In answer to her question about whether he and I were separated he responded with NO, I have no intention of separating from your mom.
5. In answer to the next question about how I feel about what he's doing he says, "she doesn't really like it but she seems okay with it".
6. He told her not to tell anyone and that he was telling her because he thought she would understand. ????? (More craziness.) She is an open thinker but not THAT open.
I asked her what he told her about the ow and she didn't really get into specifics but I know he didn't tell her a great deal. She said he made this ow sound like no big deal! I did fill her in on some of his antics over the past year. She had noticed the last time she was home (during spring break) that he had a different attitude about everything and seemed distant. She wondered what was going on with him but never brought it up to either one of us. As we talked and I told her my approach (DB approach) and she completely agreed with me on how I was handling it. I also told her many of the things that he's been saying and how he seems depressed etc. She asked a lot of questions and then said it sounds like Psychosis. She warned me to watch the finances (gee, has she been on the boards here?) because he could start going on a spending spree. Yep, he definitely could but so far he hasn't and doesn't didn't even take a checkbook when he left. They are safely tucked away inside a house that he can't get into. I pay the bills and have access to ALL of the accounts AND check them daily. I suspect she will will coming home sooner than she had planned this summer. As much as I didn't want any of the kids to know, I do feel better that I can talk to her about him and that she will do her own version of DBing with me.
It was dinner for one again tonight. That is one of the things that I already miss and even though we haven't been eating many meals together lately, I knew he was around. We use to have good conversations at dinner. Oh well, the cat and I will survive this one way or another.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
