You see Myrrh, you have a good start on the path already.
You have recognized your contribution to the circumstances of him leaving and he has recognized his. Your admittance is the key because now you can go back, see what YOU had done to not make things work, and not do them anymore. My W, as of yet, has not provided that luxury for me. I have let her know my admittance, but still have not received any ownership from her. So I am still on the road to Piecing by myself.
Acceptance when hurt is involved is not easy and very few people are willing to subject themselves to this path. But unfortunately, this is the path that needs to be followed and it sounds like you are more than ready to walk this path. But don't think you are walking the path alone. You have many fine people, including myself, on that same path.
We are right there with you if you need us, every step of the way!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Okay- new goals for the day. 1: Do my Kelly's mission and 15 minutes of zone cleaning (yeah, I do Flylady). 2: Make a decent dinner for Rhane and me. 3: When S goes to bed, head there myself. Take ahot shower, find a boook, go read until I fall asleep. I need some space to sort things out, and I'm falling into the trap of nagging H to come home from work ALREADY. I REALLY need to detach from this, or he and I are going to spiral into exactly where we were. I think I've screwed up pretty bad so far, but its never too late. I need to get some SLEEP! Being tired makes me CRAZY!!! Love to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Okay - night one of no crazymaking. It sucks. I feel as if I'm in one of those "trial by fire" situations. I feel like he's going to come home as late as he can for awhile, just to test and see if I'm going to freak out on him. Which is just great for my learning process. Anyway - I'm going to do my Flylady missions of rthe night and my babysteps before bed routine, and then I'm gonna hit the hay. This not being in control is exhausting. Please somebody, tell me this will get easier! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myrrh, Sweetie, you know it isn't going to be easy. You know your hard work starts now. Yes it is hard. You have not trusted him. Sure there will be backslides. Just REMEMBER WHAT YOU WANT AND ONLY YOU CAN WORK TOWARD THAT GOAL. You can do!!!! I know you can!!!
pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
speaking from experience with the MOTHER of all backslides yesterday and tuesday. It isnt easy but if you can take something away from it.... new insight?
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Thanks, Pattie and Bill, for the wonderful words of encouragement. Last night went smoothly (much to my surprise). I managed to do most of my Flylady missions for the evening, and I actually made a really tasty dinner (honey mustard chicken and mashed potatoes) and cleaned up afterwards and did some other dishes, too. S went to bed peacefully at about 8pm, and I took about an hour for myself, reading and just relaxing. Then I decided I missed the H and called him to see what he was up to. He was logged onto the game we play together (which henceforth on this thread shall be known as Everquest, or EQ) and so I told him I'd like to log in.
We played together until about 1 (later than my goal of only midnight, but we were spending time together). Then I logged off to get ready and go to bed. He did a few things at the shop and then came home. We (that's happening with astonishing frequency now), and I don't mind it a bit! Anyway - he still came home late, but I always know where he is and how to get in touch with him, something that I really appreciate on his part.He's really working hard to let me know what's going on in his daily life. You're right about the lack of trust, Pattie.
Sometimes it takes work for me to believe he'll come home at all. I keep waiting fo rhim to walk out again, but then I remember that our sitch is SO much different than it was when he left. I am so much different than when he left. I am committed to my marriage all the way, instead of just half-heartedly. And he is meeting me halfway on almost everything. For being PA/ADD, he's doing an okay job, mostly. I keep reminding myself that building our marriage back up will take time. But things were calm last night and this morning, except when I crabbed at him for not getting to the phone in time (he called me crabby and I made little crab claws and pinched him - that's just how we are ). I told him he was right, I was mean and need to be more patient with him. I said I was sorry, and we kissed each other before I left. I need lots more days like this before I feel safe, but we're on our way! WOOHOOO!!! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Wow, you want me to tell you it gets easier? LMAO... you're a riot!
Of course not... at least not yet. You've got a lot of ground to cover, sweetie... and that just means more hard work. But you know what the saying is? To the victor belong the spoils. Yada yada yada....
And don't forget the one about reaping what you sow. And getting back what you put into it. Blah blah blah
So now you know that you can succeed--for sure--but it's going to take time. Hey, you don't get a college degree just by enrolling in the classes--cuz you have to show up and take the tests!
Just think of you being enrolled in a masters program in communciations!
There's going to be a ton of homework, a few lab assignments and some big hairy tests. Are you in?
Hugs,
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bets- I know you're right - patience is the biggest virtue I'm lacking. I blew up at him some, meaning I was naggy and bitchy on the phone with him, and I have no idea how it happened. I think maybe I need to institue a "no phone calls after midnight" rule. I don't actually think he just won't show up (and really, so what if he doesn't?).
The real issue here is that I feel like he's not listening to me. This is just me being non-accepting of the PA behavior, because I know he's never going to come out and tell me - this is why I need this time every night to myself, and this is why I don't want to come home early. I really don't care when he comes home! I know where he is and what he's doing, and I should be in bed asleep during this time anyway.
We were talking after he got home last night (I was still a little miffed), and he said he should come home by 10 (my PA warning bells were absolutely CLANGING by that point in the convo), and I realized that I do value my time alone every night. I can do my Flylady routines, I can just hang out...and we do spend time playing EQ together every night. Nighttime is really the only time he can play without it interfering with his other responsibilities. This "fight" is realyl about me being afraid that he'll just disappear, and it's exacerbated by the fact that I'm having a hard time detaching, and that's what I HAVE to do, no matter what he decides to do.
Okay, so - new plan - no calls after midnight. No comments for at least the next 24 hours about him coming home, when he's coming home, etc. I will try my best to go to bed and just go to sleep! If he isn't there tomorrow when I wake up, we'll address that then.
In the meantime, I am going to keep up with my Flylady stuff, because he IS noticing and appreciating that. I am going to concentrate on getting things in order so that I can go back to school in the fall; I also need to do some work on my financial situation, because it's a mess.
I can do this!!!! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: Okay, so - new plan - no calls after midnight. No comments for at least the next 24 hours about him coming home, when he's coming home, etc. I will try my best to go to bed and just go to sleep! If he isn't there tomorrow when I wake up, we'll address that then.
In the meantime, I am going to keep up with my Flylady stuff, because he IS noticing and appreciating that. I am going to concentrate on getting things in order so that I can go back to school in the fall; I also need to do some work on my financial situation, because it's a mess.
YAY!!! That is the spirit! Go you!!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
(that's happening with astonishing frequency now), and I don't mind it a bit! 
). I told him he was right, I was mean and need to be more patient with him. I said I was sorry, and we kissed each other before I left. I need lots more days like this before I feel safe, but we're on our way! WOOHOOO!!!