Portia, just saw your post. Thank you for some clarity today. I have accepted things are what they are right now and may be that way forever. I have learned to realize that I over think a lot, on everything. Guess I need to learn to let go of things and not over analyze, but honestly, I like that about me for the most part so maybe I will just turn it down a degree and try to shut it completely off when it concerns the sitch.
I said I have accepted things, I truly do feel I have. I no longer try to hold onto things when it concerns H. Do these things bother me at times, yes, and then I start going all analytical.
Still processing a lot, but I do see that I no longer hate h. The man does sure know how to drive me crazy though. Hopefully one day he will see me, the wife he once cherished and adored. I do miss him a lot, and don't know that I will ever completely get over him. Despite everything that has happened, I know that I could fulfill his needs. This sitch taught me things about myself as a wife. I was a good wife, but I neglected my H's emotional needs, which was a detriment to the marriage. Will I ever get the chance to show him I see my problems and am trying to work through them and become better. At this time no, and unfortunately, some changes, will only be seen if we ever reconcile, which I don't have any hope for.
Not beating myself up, but this is true from my heart. I see myself changing and learning everyday....one day, I will make a great wife to someone, h or not. I just hope that there is someone out there for me too!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
So the thing that H asked for was his key to his car, which I half own. I thought about it, and with a reminder from him again last night decided to give it to him, but made sure that I got mine in return.
I know it was petty for me to even think not giving it to him, but found that to let him go fully, I need to let every aspect of him go, even minimalistic possessions that are attached to H.
I do see this as a sign of no return for him. I know I am analyzing again, but that is what I see. It crushes my heart every time I relinquish pieces of H. But, I know this must be done for not only him, but for myself as well.
I know I asked directly if anyone saw hope in my sitch yesterday. Call it a moment in my journey where I questioned me. Doing nothing about the sitch and sitting patiently...still doing it and I seem pretty settled in doing this...but I have to say that my gut is telling me I need to fight for him and profess my undying devotion and love to him. Ugh! Just the thought of that is sickening to me, because the hurt and anguish that he caused me should really negate those feelings. I wish I could feel strong enough to tell him to go fvck off. He owes me a lot to R with me, and the longing feelings of him really apologizing with meaning and remorse is something I hope I get one day!
I think I am moving along in this journey okay. Still not over H, but the desparation of trying to cling to H, wondering, worrying, etc...have subsided a lot.
I keep forgetting how early I am in my sitch. It takes comments from others that say 2 years, 1 year, 18 months, for me to really realize how long this could go on. Even comments about NC for 2 months or that early on no positive signs or progression were seen by others with their MLC'er. ILYBNILY came on 11/27 for me...so I am going on 7 months from that day. Wow, 7 months sure has felt like years. Not sure I can last as long as others with things like this, but the way I look at it, I have no choice as I am forever tied to this man because of our boys. Something I will always cherish as I will forever have a part of him in my life through them. And not because H will come around, but I see MY true H in my boys all the time.
Funny, H and I have two boys together and no other children for either of us. One looks like me, but acts like him, and the other is the opposite and looks like H, but acts like me. He could never deny that these are his children. And honestly, because of them, it makes it so hard to forget about H, I will always have a reminder of memories.
I know that is what happened with me yesterday with the car key. I remember saying to H that it was time to get him a new car, going to pick it out, and his smiling face when we signed the papers. I know, silly. But I do remember it vividly. But with relinquishing the car key to him, several thoughts passed through my mind...1-Him giving the key to OW, 2-Him selling the car, 3-him locking me out of another part of his life. I guess all fears really, but ones I released by giving him the key back. Which was part of the decision to give it to him rather than saying it was lost...lol!
So I guess that is a progression for me, I am slowly releasing H to the Wild! I wish he would let me take care of him, support him, and work on us. I think everyone deserves second chances.
I also had a little feeling of regret last night that I didn't pursue the conversation with him last week regarding his problems at work. I know I did the right thing, but part of me is curious of his life. But, if I gained that knowledge during our interaction, it probably would have lingered with me and become my burden. One's I didn't want to bear as I have enough on my plate already.
Sorry this is such a long post this morning, but I am trying to work through some things...
Have a good morning everyone.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I'm glad to see that you are working things out in your mind. It takes a while to get your footing in situations such as this.
As for the key to his vehicle, I think it's their way of ensuring that they have everything that is "theirs". I don't think it's anything more than wanting it, but to also ensure that you don't come and get it. My xh told me later on that the reason he wanted my key to his vehicle was that he was afraid I would take it from him one night while he was sleeping. Silly? To me, yes, but to him very real.
Again, it's all part of his journey and yes each thing that he does, will feel like the last nail in the coffin, but try to remember, they all do things that we can't understand, but to them they are very real and must be done.
You have two beautiful boys that are the light of your life. Try to keep your focus on them and on you for now. God is watching over your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It does take time, so please be kind to yourself. I never would have thought I would/could make it this long, but here I am.
This touched me:
Quote:
Something I will always cherish as I will forever have a part of him in my life through them. And not because H will come around, but I see MY true H in my boys all the time.
Our boys all have W in them...the oldest is probably 50/50 W/me, the middle more me, the youngest more W, in both physical and personality aspects...it is kind of haunting at times. It also helped solidify that W will always (most likely) be around in some fashion, regardless of what happens...this was comforting in a sense, but also helped galvanize me to continue standing for some reason.
W also did (still does) all sorts of things that didn't make sense, but somehow work for her at that moment. I will say that she was mostly working off of what she wanted/felt/thought at that moment, not much energy spent on future reality (future fantasies, oh yes, but not reality). Maybe "living in the NOW" taken to extreme...lol! She even let slip on our anniversary "date" that she was into fantasy right now, not reality, when she chose the movie we saw (and she has NEVER been into fantasy films, books, nada).
I don't know if this is helping at all, but know that things do change unexpectedly...I thought W would be long gone by now when I was 6-7 months in...our actions now are what helps shape our future.
Hang in there!! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I don't know if this is helping at all, but know that things do change unexpectedly...I thought W would be long gone by now when I was 6-7 months in...our actions now are what helps shape our future.
Hang in there!!
T, yes this is helping, YOU are helping, I have learned a lot reading your thread. You are a great man, and I hope that things work out for you the way you want them to.
Thank you for this!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
It does take time, so please be kind to yourself. I never would have thought I would/could make it this long, but here I am.
I had another one of those nail in the coffin...Snodderly, you were wrong, the girlfriend got the key to the car and the car seat is now a permanent fixture.
I can't do this. He left and now can take care of OW and OWD more than his own children. What kind of man is that?
I am done...this is BS, and I am tired of getting hurt over and over.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Sorry, I had a moment and even posted the wrong quote to my last post.
I guess I am just tired of being, being what I don't know. Is it angry, is it crazy, is it heart-broken, stabbbed, saddened, hurt, what?
It is as if he is trying to push me to the breaking point by doing more and more "evil". The quieter I sit the more he throws in my face. When will this stop, what can I do? I am really tired of getting stabbed over and over, again and again.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I guess I am just tired of being, being what I don't know. Is it angry, is it crazy, is it heart-broken, stabbbed, saddened, hurt, what?
It is as if he is trying to push me to the breaking point by doing more and more "evil". The quieter I sit the more he throws in my face. When will this stop, what can I do? I am really tired of getting stabbed over and over, again and again.
B, just saw your post. I am so sorry you are hurt. I don't blame you. Do you think he had to do that to "make up" for ditching her the night of your son's ceremony?
In the end, the hardest thing is to realize that he isn't doing this to you. It hurts you but that is not the reason he is acting this way. At some point, his actions will not hurt but I think that takes quite a lot of time. I found that a nice interaction, as you had with him, makes the hurts a little harder to bear because we can't help but think something might be changing in their attitudes toward us. At least in my own experience.
I guess I am just tired of being, being what I don't know. Is it angry, is it crazy, is it heart-broken, stabbbed, saddened, hurt, what?
All of the above?? That's what I would feel and have felt through this during the twists, turns, etc. of this journey.
I am so sorry things are going in the direction they are. I was devastated just seeing that W was looking at apts...I cannot imagine how I would be if she was moved in with OM, he was driving "our" truck and his kids' car seat a permanent fixture, and she was playing "mom" to his kid...oh man that would hurt...
I am pondering over this, ans waiting to see what the ets might have to say...
Just take care of YOU and the kids today and this weekend, I know it's tough, but try to keep H out of mind as much as possible...
Hang in there! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
