Journal, Been working through my feelings the past week and a half. I've learned to sit in the uncomfortable. Just as I have one idea, another one crosses my mind. My mother always said.. if the heart and head aren't on the same page - it's best to do nothing.
X reached out to me again. I won't go into great detail but we continue to have good conversation. I continue to guard my heart and end conversations first.
It's been a process accepting that our dialogue are consequences of my actions... at least partly. I think we tend to only think of negative consequences.. If I treat x bad, bad y actions will happen....
.. but the reverse is also true.
And the simple fact is that even though my x stopped loving me. I didn't stop loving her. I worked hard to forgive, not express anger, or react in a negative way towards her. I did this for her. I did this for myself.
So I guess it makes sense that she would reach out. Because I've never acted otherwise. Especially if she is working through her own demons. . If she can overcome herself... it would become easier to move back towards me.. because I threw very few stumbling blocks in her path.
It's what most hope for. I guess I just didn't believe it would happen to me. In some ways, I still don't believe it.
Now that I know these are the consequences of my actions I need to figure out how to best move forward. History has shown me that although loving decisions are often difficult, they leave me with peace in my heart.
They leave me with the confidence that I am being the "best Val".
Although I know I want to be loving, I still very much struggle on what that looks like in this new dynamic.
As a DBer - it makes sense to allow x to grow at her own time, let go of the expectations, and not pressure her.
As a spouse of an addict and a victim of an emotional abuser - it makes sense to set strong boundaries, let her know that it is forgiven but not to forgotten.. and that those boundaries cannot be crossed again. That she needs to work on it as well.
It's a fine line to walk. Allowing her to grow without it hurting my own. And yes.. I know... it's about me. I don't owe her anything....
..except I don't function that way. Not with her or anybody for that matter. I don't believe that's what God intends for me. I don't think he would have created me with a deep desire to love others... if that's what he doesn't want me to do.
I continue to sit. I'm sure the answers will come... in it's own time... in it's own way
And I will just have to accept x's participation in my life until God reveals what I need to do next.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
